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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27531886">Tear In My Heart</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BossPotato01/pseuds/BossPotato01'>BossPotato01</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Even If You Find Us, We're Apathetic [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cartoon references, Drinking, Food, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, no beta we die like men, referenced pedophilia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 06:47:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>43,141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27531886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BossPotato01/pseuds/BossPotato01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is suffering the effects of the last two years, especially Dr. Emile Picani.As he tries desperatly to fix the problems of his fellow sides, Patton continues to work in the mindscape, the king is struggling to understand what's been happening to his family, and someone is on the brink of snapping. </p><p>At least Honesty's dead, for good this time. Right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders / Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders, King Creativity | Romulus Sanders / Morality | Patton Sanders, Nero | Wrath Sanders/ Narcissus | Lust Sanders, Oz | Depression Sanders/ Nero | Wrath Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Even If You Find Us, We're Apathetic [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766137</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Father Of Mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>What is up my good readers!</p><p>[Chapter warnings]<br/>-break downs<br/>-discussions of child abuse and rape/non-con</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emile took a deep breath, settling into his chair and checking the wall clock. Pride was five minutes late. He glanced nervously at his notebook, trying to calm his breathing and get enthusiastic. Pride would be the first real patient he'd had in months. Back before the whole subconscious ideal, Nero had been seeing him twice a week, but obviously, that had stopped in the year he was gone.</p><p>There was a sharp and precise knock on the door, and Emile called for him to come in. Pride swung open the door, closed it firmly behind him, and sat down on the sofa with a bounce. "Sorry I'm late, I couldn't find your office. I thought you'd be in the light sides, but all I found was the king sitting on the counter eating cheerios out of the box and drinking milk directly from the jug. He didn't know where you were, so I was going to ask-"</p><p>Emile smiled. "well, I'm glad you're here now, Pride. Alrighty, let's get started, okay?"</p><p>Pride nodded, and Emile took a second to take him in. Pride was wearing a white vest over a neon green long sleeve shirt- probably Envy's- and black dress pants, and he was fidgeting with something on a long necklace. "I don't... really know how this is supposed to work," he admitted.</p><p>"That's quite alright. Let's start at the beginning. Do you how do?"</p><p>Pride bit his lip for a second before he seemed to comprehend the question. "Oh! I... I have no idea, really. Apathy's really sick, Logic doesn't know why so we're going to try and take him to the dragon witch tomorrow. So yeah, overall I'd say not great."</p><p>"Why is that? Besides Apathy."</p><p>Pride shrugged. "Everything's new. I mean, last night was my first time back in the actual mind palace in over a decade. Things are weird, I guess. Probably a good sort of weird, but..."</p><p>"...you're uneasy about a new situation. That's perfectly understandable."</p><p>Pride tilted his head to the side, and Emile could see he had gone onto a completely new train of thought. "This isn't going to make things weird between us, is it? Me unloading my trauma?"</p><p>Emile laughed. "I don't think so, Pride. But I appreciate the thoughtfulness. Now if you don't want to talk about something yet, that's a-okay with me, understand? This will probably get pretty deep, but don't feel like you're trapped in our conversations."</p><p>"Are we going to talk about my da- err, Honesty a lot?" Pride asked, biting his lip.</p><p>"Not if you don't want to. But I'm curious. You caught yourself from calling him 'dad'. Why is that?"</p><p>Pride thought for a moment. "I don't know... it's just weird now, I guess. To his face, it was just about always 'sir,' but to each other- me and the other sins- we just called him dad, when we were little. It got pretty weird for me after we... Uhm... started sleeping together, but I guess it's a force of habit," he said with a blush.</p><p>"How long were you and Honesty in a romantic relationship?" Emile asked carefully.</p><p>"Oh, only like, the last four years. I think he just liked that I never questioned or disobeyed him. Well, until the time I did." Pride made a show of doing finger guns, chuckling to himself, but his face fell. "It was annoying though, I guess. I don't know why he even bothered with me."</p><p>Emile scribbled on his clipboard. "Why do you wonder about it? You just said it was because you didn't question him-"</p><p>"Nah, I don't mean it like that. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know why he bothered with me when he was always so obsessed with Lust."</p><p>Emile's stomach churned, and he let his pen halt. "Why do you think he was 'obsessed?' with Lust?"</p><p>Pride seemed sad thinking about it, but he didn't stop talking. "I dunno. Lust was the baby of the family; he was adorable. But I think Lust was always afraid of Honesty, at least somewhat. He nearly didn't join us in the first place, he wanted to stay behind with Nero and Remy, but... but we pressured him. Especially me. It always seemed like Honesty wanted Lust so bad because Lust hated him."</p><p>Emile sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Pride, I have a question for you. After Oz came back, and we were trying to figure out how we could go about getting you and Virgil back, we had a meeting where the other sins had a little discussion with Honesty about some of his... unorthodox and abusive parenting methods. Is that something you're comfortable discussing?"</p><p>Pride thought for a long moment. "Sure, I guess," Followed by a long pause. "Honesty never really punished me that much. You know, I was pretty 'well behaved,' he said, rolling his eye and doing long dramatic finger quotes. "And he was pretty private about how he punished the others. Not that we didn't discuss it amongst each other, but I think he enjoyed hurting us, and if he made to many examples, he wouldn't have as many opportunities, if that makes sense."</p><p>Emile was silent for a minute, trying to keep himself from crying. He wasn't great with child abuse. "Why is it that Envy, Greed, and Gluttony didn't believe Lust about the method that Honesty was abusing him?"</p><p>Pride rubbed his eye, and it was clear that he was crying. "Fuck... I don't know. Lust was 14, Honesty seemed to adore him! What could we even do about it, if it was true? The first couple of times, he tried to bring it up to us, to ask us for help... and I... I..."</p><p>Emile leaned forward, placing a comforting hand on Pride's shoulder. "Hey, just breathe, Pride. It's okay." He guided Pride through his breathing, in for four seconds, hold for seven, and out for eight. After a few moments, Pride calmed down a little, rubbing his face with his hands. "I... I told him he was supposed to enjoy that thing... if he was telling the truth."</p><p>"You know Pride, you remind me of Finn, from Star Wars," Emile said after a long moment.</p><p>Pride seemed confused. "Who?"</p><p>"Finn. He was a Storm Trooper who, after he saw the horrible things that were happening under the commands of the empire, defected with the intent to stop them, just as you did when you saved Apathy from Honesty. Now the analogy isn't perfect, but-"</p><p>Pride laughed sadly. "Yeah, because I'm not a hero."</p><p>Emile smiled softly, pushing up his glasses. "And why is that?"</p><p>"Because of... everything?" he said, gesturing to the world. "I could've tried to stop Honesty sooner, I could've done something I should've listened to Honesty-"</p><p>"Now Pride, I didn't say you were without fault. Every hero makes mistakes. But you know who you're a hero to?"</p><p>Pride rolled his eye. "Who?"</p><p>"Apathy. You sacrificed your life to save him because you knew that, no matter how much you loved or respected Honesty, what he was doing was wrong."</p><p>Pride blushed slightly. "I still feel awful though. About everything."</p><p>"That's understandable. And remorse can help us grow. But you don't need to feel like everything happening in Thomathy's mind is on you. And if you really feel so awful, perhaps apologizing to Lust for your word choice back then would make you both feel better. And remember, it's okay to make mistakes sometimes."</p><p>Pride sighed with relief. "Wow. Picani, you're... really good."</p><p>"Thanks," Emile said, and he felt his heart flutter a little. </p><p>Pride left his office, and Emile collapsed back into his chair. One down, he thought pessimistically. So many more to go.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I'm Countin' Sheep But Runnin' Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yo! Sorry this took so long; I'm really tired.</p><p>[Chapter Warnings]<br/>-child abuse (flashbacks)<br/>-The Office is a trigger?<br/>-mentions of rape/non-con and underage</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lust spent the night in Nero's room. Nero wasn't even there; he was to busy fretting over Apathy, but he was comfy, in that big bed crammed in the corner of the room, buried under a pile of ugly blankets where Nero had tucked him in and told him to stay put so he'd stop ripping out his stitches.</p><p>And he had planned on listening to that advice. Nero had given him a kiss on the forehead and rushed out when Oz burst into the room the night before, his face reddening when he saw Lust and Nero kissing, and frantically explained that Envy was on fire and Apathy had collapsed. Lust had wanted to go help, he really had, but Nero said stay put.</p><p>Stay put.</p><p>You would think that Lust would've slept well that night. The last time he'd slept had been on the floor in a cave, and he had spent the day running through the subconscious and Remus's castle before having a psychotic break and stabbing himself. Also, it really hurt to move. It should've been easy; there was a TV in Nero's room, but Lust assumed the side had punched it, as the screen was cracked and the picture slightly distorted. He had flicked through channels for a while before turning it off altogether and listening to the sounds of the commotion outside.</p><p>There was a lot of crying. At least 3 different people were crying. Logan was yelling at someone... Envy? And Envy was yelling back. Finally though, and Lust must have zoned out, there was silence.</p><p>Lust didn't like silence. He wasn't quite used to it. The house had never been silent when he was little, he could always hear the other sins whispering and trying their damndest to sneak around without waking Honesty. It was almost a game, really, he reminisced as he fell asleep.</p><p>"Envy, get on Gluttony's shoulders!" Pride hissed as Lust crept down to the kitchen. They all froze at the sound of the kitchen door creaking softly, but Pride smiled, rolling his eyes when he saw it was Lust. Envy waved from where he was standing on Gluttony's shoulders, Greed trying to steady them as Envy reached into the cupboard.</p><p>"What are you doing? It's 3 am," Lust asked, sitting down crisscross on a barstool at the kitchen island.</p><p>"I could ask the same thing, Narcissus," hissed Greed with a laugh, suddenly losing hold of Envy, who smacked his head on the ceiling and then fell down with a thud onto Gluttony, the three of them hitting the floor.</p><p>Pride rubbed his temples, sighing. Pride was so different back then. Demanding. Haughty. Brave, like an off-brand version of Roman. "Greed, don't be a Jerk. We're trying to get the cookies off the top shelf where dad hid them."</p><p>Lust bit his lip. "Can I help?"</p><p>"Knock yourself out," Pride said, waving a hand dramatically at the cupboard.</p><p>"Literally," Envy had muttered, rubbing his head where he had hit it when he fell.</p><p>Lust twirled the longest strand of his hair for a minute before he set to work. He climbed up on the counter, making a point to step on Envy, and began climbing the cupboards. Perks of being the smaller, he mused, he didn't have to really worry about the shelves breaking, even when he was 16.</p><p>He finally reached the top shelf, opened the cookie jar, and pulled out two for each of them, unaware of the door's creak, and began slowly climbing back down. "I don't see the point of having the cookies this high up, dad can't even reach this shelf without a stepstool-"</p><p>hands gripped his waist, yanking him down to the floor. "And yet at this height, I get crystal clear viewing of your nefarious schemes, don't I?" Honesty hissed. The five boys had stood silently, afraid to make eye contact.</p><p>"Sir, I'm sorry-"</p><p>"I don't want to hear it." Honesty snapped, taking the cookies from Lust. "Who's idea was this?"</p><p>The sins had looked at each other. Gluttony opened his mouth to speak, but Lust spoke up. "Mine. I'm sorry, sir, we didn't mean to wake you up."</p><p>There was quiet. Typically, they knew better than to lie to Honesty, and wouldn't have tried it, as it often got them in more trouble. Gluttony glanced at him but did not contradict. Honesty's eyes had flickered between the two boys. He sighed, rubbing his temples, clearly exhausted. He shoved the cookies into Gluttony's hands. "Enjoy them. I hope it was worth it, you're not to eat again until Tuesday, do you understand me?"</p><p>Gluttony nodded, biting back tears. Honesty snapped his fingers and pointed in front of him. "Envy," he said, and the side stepped forward. Lust had hurried and closed his eyes, but the sound of honesty's fist connecting with Envy's jaw and the sin's whimper was enough to make him shiver. "Now off to bed with you. Greed, come here." Repeat.</p><p>Honesty suddenly grabbed Lust's arm, yanking him along behind him as he went to leave the room. Pride spoke up. "And me, sir?"</p><p>Honesty rubbed his eyes. "Go to your room; I'm sick of your face."</p><p>"Come on, Narcissus." He said, and Lust followed silently along behind him, but the panic was growing inside of him. Even now, after so many years, he could always remember that feeling of dread that came with being told to go to Honesty's office.</p><p>Honesty let go of his wrist, and walked over to his desk, talking about something. Fuck, Lust knew he should be listening, but he was filled with the phantom pains of last time he was punished, and he couldn't cope.</p><p>"You know, Narcissus, I didn't.... what are you doing?" Honesty asked when he finally looked back to see Lust. Lust was sobbing, frantically trying to dry his eyes, while he was kneeling on the cold, hard stone. He cried, trying hard to speak, but he could barely breathe, let alone speak. "Oh come on. Why are you crying?"  Honesty said, leading him to the sofa in his office (his grip much gentler this time) and sitting the two of them down, carefully wiping the tears off his face.</p><p>"You need to take some long breaths, your blubbering isn't getting anywhere," Honesty said, wrapping his arm around Lust's shoulders. Which actually made it much harder to calm down, but he still managed.</p><p>"I... Aren't I going to be punished?" Lust asked.</p><p>Honesty shrugged. "I thought about it. But frankly, it's just no use when you're already this distraught. It stops being fun."</p><p>"... oh. I'm sorry," he stuttered, looking away.</p><p>Honesty smiled, leaning in and kissing his cheek. "I don't like seeing you so... mopey all the time. You remind me of O-" he had paused for a second before waving his hand dismissively. "You're much prettier when you're happy; you and Pride both. But then again, Pride's easy, all it takes is a wink and a smile and he's probably cumming. But you'd know."</p><p>Was that supposed to be a question? Why was he supposed to know? Lust shuddered, wanting more than anything to get out of Honesty's arms. And he didn't want to think about Pride that way.</p><p>Honesty slid his hands through Lust's hair. He had worn it longer back then, specifically because Honesty didn't like it long. "Anyway, I wanted to say that I was... surprised and impressed with you. You'd have to be very stupid or very brave to try lying to me."</p><p>Lust finally found his voice, but it was soft and fragile. "And which do you think I am?"</p><p>Honesty had thought for a moment. "You're not brave. Perhaps you're a little smarter than the others, but the bar is low. No, I think you're just loyal to them. Which is silly, really."</p><p>Honesty got up, and Lust could finally breathe properly again. "Is loyalty a bad thing, sir?"</p><p>Honesty shrugged, his thin but muscular frame swaying slightly as he decided how to answer. "You shouldn't be so loyal to them. The others... they don't seem to like you very much. Why is that?" Lust looked away, and Honesty smirked. The older side walked up to him, taking a hold of his chin and turning Lust to face him. "oooh, I hit a sensitive spot, didn't I? Come on, no point in lying."</p><p>Lust pulled away from Honesty. "They... they think you play favorites."</p><p>Honesty laughed. "hmm, I wonder why they think that..." he said playfully, booping Lust's nose and walking over to his desk, riffling to the bottom and pulling out a Tupperware. He opened it, and Lust saw it was full of cookies. He grabbed two and put the container away, walking back over to Lust. "You know, I wasn't really that mad about the cookies. Morality made them anyway. I just don't like being disturbed, you have to understand." He handed Lust a cookie and sat down, grabbing the TV remote and pulling a blanket out from under the sofa in his office.</p><p>"Why... why are you doing this?" Lust said after a long moment.</p><p>"Doing what?"</p><p>"Why are you being nice?! When are you going to yell? Hit me? If you're going to do something, just fucking do it!" Lust shouted.</p><p>Honesty laughed. "One, never speak like that to me again. Two, I enjoy your discomfort. And three... let's just say I do have a favorite." He kissed Lust's cheek again and slung an arm around his shoulder, getting comfortable. "Now then. According to Morality, Thomas has just started watching this show called The Office. You're going to watch it with me."</p><p>They watched an episode. Honesty's hand wandered the whole time, smiling when he got Lust to make a noise of discomfort. And when the show was over, just like every other damn time... he...</p><p>Lust woke with a start, pain shooting through his side when he jerked upright. He screamed, but only for a moment before he worried he had woken the others and forced himself silent, even though it felt like the entire mind could hear the beating of his heart.</p><p>He pushed himself from the bed, ignoring the pull on his stitches, as much as it hurt. He couldn't breathe. He wandered out into the hallway. It smelled slightly like smoke, he realized as he grew closer. Must've been from Envy.</p><p>A door on his left swung open, and Lust jumped. Virgil stood there, his hair wild, his eyes bleary. "I heard a scream, are you- oh..." he said as he saw the tears on Lust's face that the sin didn't realize were falling.</p><p>"Here, let's go to the living room, my room wouldn't be good for you," he said, offering Lust a hand. Lust took it, and they wandered into the very dark room. Virgil turned on one lamp in the corner that had a dark blue shade and sat next to him. He summoned a cup of hot chocolate for both of them.</p><p>"Bad dream?" Virgil guessed. Lust nodded.</p><p>"Do you want to tell me what it was about?"</p><p>"...him."</p><p>"who- oh," Virgil said as he realized.</p><p>"Just... memories. Times he was nice... and then not."</p><p>Virgil smiled. "Yeah. Lust, I know what he did was awful, but I promise that the others and I will never treat you like that."</p><p>Lust sighed. Wouldn't they? Were these guys really that different than Honesty? Patton sure wasn't. Roman had done some pretty bad things. His own family, the other sins... they had abandoned him. Logan had a pretty hard time choosing to join them over the others. And Virgil...</p><p>Virgil smiled, reaching for the remote and turning on the TV. "We should watch The Office! Have you seen that?"</p><p>Lust's mind flashed to his memories, and he felt a pit growing in his stomach. "I have, b-but we can watch it if you want to."</p><p>Virgil smiled at him and put it on.</p><p>The opening theme played, and Lust felt like he was going to throw up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Work 'Till You Bleed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yo! Sorry my schedule's slowed down, I'm on a trip right now. I love all you readers, make sure to self care! Drink water or I will steal your kneecaps.</p><p>[Chapter Warnings]<br/>-mentions of abuse<br/>-hallucinations</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What the fuck do you mean, he won't wake up for a while?! Why not?!" Nero shouted, his eyes glowing orange.</p><p>Logan was sitting on the edge of Apathy's bed, putting a cold washcloth over the younger side's head. The Dragon Witch looked peeved. "Let it be known that I certainly didn't miss you, Wrath. What I meant to say is that he's overexerted himself. He performed magic that was incredibly taxing even for me, and after barely a year of study. His body is reacting to it."</p><p>"Well, how long is he going to be in this state? He held a fever of 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit for the entirety of last night, and no medication seems to have any effect."</p><p>The Dragon Witch threw up their clawed hands. "I don't know, logic! I warned him against this, and he didn't listen. There's not a whole lot I can do. It is very unlikely that he'll die though, so I hope that will put you at ease. But I do have to ask. Why are you two asking for my advice, and not his parents? I much prefer Janus's attitude, and I haven't seen him since you've been back."</p><p>Logan and Nero looked at each other. "... thanks for your advice, DW." Logan said, and waved his hand, sending them back to the imagination.</p><p>Nero sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, this is just peachy."</p><p>Logan frowned. "I disagree, nothing about this situation pertains to peaches-"</p><p>"It was an expression. But anyway, this is just what we needed, isn't it? As soon as we get home, everything has to go to shit." Nero sat down. "You look like shit, Lo, do you want to get some sleep?"</p><p>"You haven't exactly slept either, Nero."</p><p>Nero shrugged. "Alright. I'll go check in on the others, see if anybody can fill in."</p><p>Nero got up, shutting the door carefully behind him. It was early in the morning, the light just starting to poor through the windows that showed into the imagination. He was hungry, he realized. After Envy's catastrophe, nobody had actually eaten. </p><p>"Yo Dee, you alive?" he said to Janus's yellow door. No answer. He knocked thrice, rolling his eyes. "Jan, if you don't respond, I'm coming in."</p><p>"He's not here." Said a voice, and Nero jumped. Pride stood there, bouncing on his heels. "This is for you, by the way, it's from Emile." Pride handed him a scrap of paper with an appointment time on it.</p><p>"Where is he then?"</p><p>"He decided that crying in his room wasn't getting anywhere so he snapped himself into the imagination to visit Remus's castle. I saw him leave."</p><p>Nero sighed, shrugging, and passing Pride. After a while, he found his way into the living room. Virgil was asleep on the floor in front of the sofa, splayed out like a starfish. The TV was playing The Office, but Lust was sitting quietly, zoned out and clearly not watching, fidgeting with the end of his shirt.</p><p>He walked over and placed a delicate kiss on Lust's temple, causing the side to give a startled squeak. "Hey, you good?"</p><p>Lust shrugged, waving his hands. "Are you?"</p><p>"I was hoping to catch some Z's before my appointment with Picani," Nero said, hugging his boyfriend loosely. "But we need somebody to watch Apathy, he's still out with a fever. I'd rather not ask Pride, and Oz spent the night making sure Envy-"</p><p>"I'll keep an eye on him for you," Lust said softly.</p><p>Nero frowned. "Really? You don't look like you got any sleep either-"</p><p>"I'm fine. Really. You and Logan get some rest, I'll see you after your appointment."</p><p>Nero helped Lust to his feet. "How's your wound?"</p><p>"Better. I heel pretty fast."</p><p>"You were impaled."</p><p>Lust shrugged again, this time with his exhaustion more evident. "See you later."</p><p>Nero grinned, giving Lust a peck on the cheek and walking off. Lust walked slowly and carefully to Apathy's room and sat down on the small sofa in the corner that Logan had put in for this very purpose, and carefully lifted the corner of his shirt, looking at his stitches. The wound really wasn't that scary looking, for the fact that it had gone through him. The matching stitches on his back were more painful, but he couldn't really see them. At least, he sighed, he knew that Logan had done a good job.</p><p>"Aww look L, we match!" purred a voice, and Lust's breath caught, terror flooding through him.</p><p>He looked slowly to the side. Honesty was leaning over the arm of the sofa, showing off his own gory wound, his grey outfit drenched in blood as it had been when he died. Or at least, when Lust thought he died.</p><p>"Why the long face? You didn't really think I was dead, did you? Did you cry?"</p><p>Lust blinked slowly, laughing to himself. Honesty frowned. "You're... you're not real. I'm hallucinating. Ha! This is wonderful."</p><p>"Why do you think you're hallucinating? Trust me, your feeble mind is not good enough to create this god-body." He laughed, admiring himself in Apathy's vanity mirror. He began to slowly lick the blood off his right hand.</p><p>"You're dead. I killed you. And damn it, I know I'm mentally fragile enough to do so, I'm not stupid."</p><p>"I never said you were stupid."</p><p>"Honesty thought everyone was stupid."</p><p>The hallucination chuckled, and reached over, wiping the blood off of his left hand onto Apathy. Lust cringed. "Don't.... don't do that."</p><p>"Why? If you're so sure I'm not real, it doesn't matter exactly what I do, does it?" Honesty laughed and walked over to take a seat next to Lust. </p><p>"Go to hell, Honesty. I don't want you, and nobody but Patton seems to want you! Just leave me alone!"</p><p>Honesty laughed. "Hell spat me back out, Narcissus. And anyway, you know I like you. Why would I want to be anywhere else?" Lust spun to hit Honesty, but the hallucination dodged him. "Jeeze, L, are you asking to be punished?"</p><p>Lust rubbed his temples, clearly trying to convince himself. "You can't hurt me, you're not real."</p><p>Honesty grinned, cracking his knuckles sickeningly loud. "Do you really want to test that?"</p><p>Lust shivered, dropping his eyes. "No."</p><p>Honesty laughed. "I thought not. Anyway, I'll be around, making your life hell. Now, can daddy get a kiss?"</p><p>Lust's already sickly pallor greened. "Did you just call yourself 'daddy?' "</p><p>"Do you look like a cheap Vegas hooker? The answer to both is yes. Toodles!"</p><p>Lust looked down at his clothes. "There's nothing wrong with sex work," he muttered to himself. "He was just being an asshole." Lust was wearing a grey t-shirt he had tied up like a crop top so it wouldn't touch his healing wounds and a pair of soft purple jean shorts and looked pretty plain looking. It was the fishnets, he decided with a sigh. He should get new clothes; something that will make others take him more seriously.</p><p>______________________________________________</p><p>Unlike Pride, Nero was right on time. He looked exhausted, his leather jacket tied around his waist, wearing orange and purple checkered leggings, knee-high boots, and an orange polo. "Heya doc, what's up?" he said, visibly brightening. He high fived Emile on his way in, sitting down on the couch.</p><p>Emile rubbed his temples. "Oh, you know how it is. Forever and always exhausted. "</p><p>Nero nodded sympathetically. "You should take a vacation or a little time off; you deserve it for putting up with us."</p><p>Emile forced a soft smile. "That's a nice suggestion, but as of right now there's way too much I need to get done. But enough about me. Let's talk about you, Nero. It's been a long time since you were in my office."</p><p>Nero nodded. "Yeah, I wish it hadn't been. I mean, I'm not going through a crisis right now, but I enjoy your company. I'd say things have been... chaotic, but not necessarily bad. I guess talking to you is helpful."</p><p>Emile smiled. "How so?"</p><p>Nero shrugged. "It's like my head is one of those ball pits and you just shuffle through it, sorting them out and finding the messed-up ones. I feel better when I talk to you. Hope that's not weird."</p><p>Emile blushed, feeling good about himself. "It's not weird, I'm glad I'm helpful. It's a little funny that you're my boyfriend's ex though." Emile took a long breath. "So. What is uptown funking you up today, friend?"</p><p>Nero bit his lip in thought. "I feel... unstable."</p><p>"What do you mean by that?"</p><p>"We didn't exactly have a quiet night last night. Apathy's really sick; I spent all night taking care of him. Jan said he would, but the poor guy seems way too emotionally fragile right now, so I insisted. He is not taking the king's return very well. I'm really stressed out about it. Lust keeps tearing out his stitches because he wants to follow me around; and I mean I love him but the dude's gotta bed rest for a bit. Envy has third-degree burns on his arms, so Logan's been trying to deal with that-"</p><p>"How on earth did he get third-degree burns?" Emile exclaimed, his eyes wide.</p><p>"I think the mixer caught on fire at the outlet while he was cooking and he threw water on it."</p><p>"...yikes, poor guy."</p><p>Nero nodded, shuddering at the thought. "Yeah. Virgil did a really good job of comforting Pride when he was freaking out over Apathy, but he didn't get home until a lot later after visiting Thomas, and I'm worried about Lust, and-"</p><p>Emile wrote something down. "Why are you concerned about Lust? Do you think he's still suicidal?"</p><p>Nero sat quietly for a moment. "I don't think so- I mean, we recently got together. I know my last relationship was abusive, but I haven't even heard half of what Honesty did to Lust. I'm trying to be really careful; I don't want to trigger him, or in any way hurt him... but then Virgil brought up that maybe I was being overly protective and treating him like a fragile object and not a person. I don't want to do that either, I..."</p><p>Emile blinked slowly. "Wow, that is... a lot to unpack. Well, Nero, I'm certainly happy for you. You know how fusions work in Steven Universe?"</p><p>"Yeah, it's when Gems get together to create a stronger entity for combat and such."</p><p>"Good. Well, maybe you should think of your relationship as a fusion. Just like on any team, it works best if you play to each other's strengths and protect each other's weaknesses. Lust has been through some intensive childhood trauma, and it's wonderful that you are consciously making an effort to put him at ease. I can't imagine that killing Honesty was easy for him, but I think that's a good reminder of just how protective he is of you and all of us. Honesty is dangerous, and Lust understood that and took action, despite the injury it caused him." Emile pushed up his glasses. "On the other hand, you're a very emotional, strong-willed person. I think that the problem you faced in your last relationship was that Roman possessed the same traits, and he weaponized that."</p><p>Nero nodded. "That's a pretty fair assumption."</p><p>"And I think it's also fair to say that you're afraid of treating Lust the same way Roman treated you and that he wouldn't stand up to you in that case."</p><p>Nero seemed to think about that for a long while before slowly massaging his temples. "...it took me a long time to realize that the relationship I had with Roman... wasn't healthy. I'm afraid that... we wouldn't recognize a problem just because it's not as bad as it was before."</p><p>Emile gave him a reassuring smile. "And that's why communication is so important. If having a romantic relationship with Lust is something both of you want, you have to work to build up trust. I'll talk to him during his appointment tomorrow, but I think it's important that the two of you discuss your boundaries properly, so that you don't have to worry so much about what may or may not cause problems."</p><p>Nero stood, stretching, and smiled. "Thanks, doc. I was wondering- do you and Remy want to go with Lust and me to dinner in the imagination later?"</p><p>Emile chuckled. "You asking me to a double date, Wrath? And that's not going to be weird since I'm dating Remy?"</p><p>Nero shrugged. "I mean, it's not like I still have feelings for him; Roman cut the hanahaki out of me. But of course, if he's not down, I get it. Just text me by six if you're interested."</p><p>"All right. Well, I'll talk to you later then."</p><p>Nero did awkward finger guns, nearly ran into the door, and left the office, the door closing firmly behind him.</p><p>Emile sighed, flopping back on the sofa. "Holy shit." He muttered to himself. "I was actually helpful. For once." He rubbed away the tears forming on the corner of his eyes, and sunk out, popping back up in Remy's bedroom, and crashing like a sack of potatoes onto his boyfriend's bed.</p><p>Remy, who was sitting at his vanity watching tik tok, looked over, his expression soft when he tilted down his sunglasses.</p><p>"Hey babes. You okay?"</p><p>"We're going out with Nero and Lust later on a double date."</p><p>Remy looked elated. "Whoo-hoo! I didn't know they were together, but that's Gucci. I can wear those shorts I have that fluster you!" he winked before his face fell. He stood up, walked over, and flopped down next to Emile, pressing a kiss on his cheek. "You okay? You didn't answer me earlier."</p><p>"Tired."</p><p>"Well gurl, what'll help? I can put you to sleep for a bit, or do you want coffee? food? Cuddles?" Emile reached out and yanked Remy closer. "Woah, cuddles it is then." He took Emile's glasses and his own and set them on the table next to the bed, before realizing Emile was crying.</p><p>"Woah, babes, what... what happened?"</p><p>Emile just sobbed harder. "Don't... don't wanna talk about it. Later?"</p><p>"Yeah, jeez, okay. Just... just let it out. Take some breaths." Remy said as he held Emile close, petting his hair.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Passed The Point Of Delirium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gonna start out by apologising for this taking so long. My December has mega sucked; had finals, my partner broke up with me, my mental and physical health's been icky- but here we go, I give you a longer chapter as a gift for being so patient with me. Am I projecting on Lust? yeah kinda. Sorry Lust. Also yeah yeah, this chapter title's another lyric from Green Day's Brain Stew, so sue me, but it's a bop.</p><p>[Chapter warnings]<br/>-mention of underage drinking<br/>-suicidal thoughts<br/>-some self-harm<br/>-etc.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lust knocked softly on Logan's door. After a moment, Logan opened it, not wearing his tie and his eyes bleary as he slipped on his glasses. "Hello Lust, what can I do for you?"</p><p>"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were asleep, I'll go."</p><p>Logan smiled softly, yawning. "it's fine, It was never my intention to sleep all day. Do you want to come in?"</p><p>Lust nodded and Logan stepped aside, opening the door for the other to enter. Logan summoned a glass of water, offered one to Lust, and turned to the mirror to tie his tie. "Now Lust, what do you need?"</p><p>"I... Uhm..." Lust scratched his head, looking at his own expression seriously. "Objectively speaking... why don't people take me seriously? Is it my looks or personality that make people think I'm a deviant?"</p><p>Logan thought for a second. "I believe it comes down to your appearance and how they believe you should behave. You dress somewhat promiscuously, which is what might be associated with your function."</p><p>Lust crossed his arms, biting his lip and looking like he had expected that answer. Logan sighed. "And while I always would suggest that dressing professionally is a key part of being perceived positively, anyone who speaks for you for more than a moment could see that you are in no way-" Logan riffled through some vocab cards on his desk. "...A thot. And of course, we all love you, Lust, you shouldn't feel the need to change yourself."</p><p>Lust's cheeks grew pink, and he tried to push down the overwhelming warmth that filled him at Logan's casual remark of him being loved. "That means a lot, logic, but Uhm... I think I want to change up my look; be more professional."</p><p>Logan nodded. "Very well. My schedule is free at this moment. I suggest we go to one of the towns in Roman's side of the imagination, there will be plenty of stores there."</p><p>Suddenly, the door flew open, and Envy fell into the room with a shout of surprise. He jumped to his feet, looking awkward. "Sorry I eavesdropped, I was coming to ask Logan for more gauze- can I come with you?"</p><p>Logan shrugged with a nod and summoned more gauze and winter coats for everyone. He helped Envy rewrap his arm burns, and sunk the three of them out. </p><p>The cold of mid-January was intense, snowflakes falling and sticking in everyone's hair, children laughing and having a snowball fight in a nearby field- it felt so... real. Lust had always loved the imagination for that. Logan lead them down the street to a small clothing store and pulled them inside.</p><p>"So. Lust. What exactly are we looking for?"</p><p>Lust shrugged. "Something professional. I need to leave better impressions on Thomas and the others."</p><p>Envy combed through a rack of shirts. "Do you want people to look at you and know you're gay?" He laughed and pulled a mesh out of a rack. "I think this would make Nero's eyes bleed."</p><p>Logan rolled his eyes, holding up two ties. "Lust is under no obligation to consider what Nero might like, this is about what he wants. And please, try to move past the gay fashion stereotype."</p><p>Envy blushed, glancing at Lust. "Sorry man didn't mean to come off as rude." Lust nodded and Logan shooed Envy off to go pick out some shoes. </p><p>Logan shoved a few items into Lust's arms. "Here. Try these on so we can determine your sizes. I assume you don't know what size you wear."</p><p>"Not really. But we're about the same height, right? What size do you wear?" Lust asked.</p><p>Logan bit his lip uncomfortably. "We are the same height, but there are... other factors in finding your size. Now go on," he said, ushering Lust to a dressing room.</p><p>Lust closed the door with a sigh, pulling off his shirt and putting on the outfit that Logan had chosen. A very dull purple cardigan with a plaid t-shirt and black jeans. "Other factors? You know he basically called you fat, right?" came a voice followed with shrill laughter. Lust jumped and saw Honesty standing next to him in the mirror.</p><p>"Fuck off, old man, I do not have the energy to deal with you right now. I need to change."</p><p>"Go right ahead, I don't mind." Honesty said with a smirk. Lust took a deep breath, closing his eyes. </p><p>"You are not real. You're not here. I'm alone. I-"</p><p>"Oh, save this bullshit for Picani. You will never. ever. get over me," Honesty spat.</p><p>Lust dug his fingernails into his palms, steadying himself. The harder he pressed, the less prominent was the sound of Honesty's voice.</p><p>"Lust, don't you dare ignore me!" Honesty yelled beside him. "Open your eyes, right now!"</p><p>Lust opened them, for a brief moment, and in the mirror saw Honesty kissing his neck. "See? This is better. Why don't we go to the house- it's only a mile or so north of here- and I take care of you? You seem awfully... upset."</p><p>"D-don't touch me. Please," Lust begged weakly, trying to shake off what he wasn't fully sure was even real.</p><p>"Why not? I've gotten what I wanted from you plenty of times. Do you think that Nero would even look at you if he knew all the ways I've ruined you? He probably just pities you, Narcissus. He'll leave you soon enough."</p><p>Lust whimpered and closed his eyes again, digging his nails into his palms harder and harder. When he finally opened his eyes, Honesty was gone, but his hands were bleeding quite a bit from the recently shaped scratches embedded in his palms. Lust slumped against the mirror in the dressing room, sliding to the floor and pinching his eyes shut. His heart was pounding- had it ever been this loud? He clamped his hands over his ears, his arms shaking with the force.</p><p>And then there were hands, gently on his arms. Somebody was speaking, but he couldn't focus. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Logan.</p><p>Logan was there, his eyes filled with worry but his voice steady. Envy sat next to him, trying to coax him to breathe.</p><p>"Lust, can you hear me?" Envy asked softly.</p><p>Lust just nodded, unsure that his voice could make it past his lips. "Envy, go pay the cashier for what Lust is wearing, I wouldn't want to overwhelm him by trying to get him to change. We'll meet you outside in a short while."</p><p>Envy nodded and left quickly, and Logan summoned a first aid kit. "We were worried when you weren't answering us, but luckily enough you left the door unlocked," Logan explained as he opened the kit. "Lust, may I touch your hands?"</p><p>Lust visibly cringed but shakily outstretched his arms to Logan, who carefully massaged Lust's hands until they unclenched, and cleaned the wounds. "...I'm sorry," Lust stammered, unable to look Logan in the eye.</p><p>"You have no reason to apologise, Lust, you're the one suffering. If you're able, can you explain to me what triggered this so we can avoid it in the future?"</p><p>Lust was quiet for a long moment. "Honesty... is gone."</p><p>"That's true. I helped Oz dispose of the body myself."</p><p>"I... he..." Logan finished cleaning the wounds and pulled out some bandages, but paused for a moment so he could hear what Lust was trying to get out. "He's not gone... for me."</p><p>Logan looked confused. "Lust, Honesty is dead and decomposing, he is most certainly-"</p><p>"I still see him!" Lust spat, and then curled in on himself. "He follows me around like a ghost... I can see him, I can feel him... I.."</p><p>Logan hushed him. "While repression isn't ideal, I do want to avoid giving you another panic attack. it seems to me, Lust, that you're hallucinating due to the extreme trauma you've undergone. I highly suggest you bring this up with Picani during your next appointment, seeing as it has such a negative effect on you. Can you stand up?"</p><p>Lust nodded, and with some assistance from Logan, he rose shakily to his feet and left the store. Envy stood outside, making a small snowman. "Hey dude, you good?"</p><p>"He had a panic attack, due to some hallucinations caused by Honesty."</p><p>Envy picked up some small stones and pushed them into the face of the snowman for eyes, making it appear like an insect. "Yikes, that's... horrible. I'm sorry man."</p><p>Lust heard his phone ding. He fished into his coat pocket and saw a text from Nero.</p><p>'Heya L! I planned something special! You, me, Remy and Emile are going on a double date! You weren't in the mindscape, so I assumed you were in the imagination. Wanna meet outside Tiana's in 5?'</p><p>Lust smiled softly and typed an affirmative. "Hey guys, Nero is meeting me for a date in a few. Thanks for coming shopping with me-"</p><p>"We're not leaving until we see him," Envy announced.</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"Uhm, we're worried about your safety?"</p><p>"I'm not a little kid, Envy."</p><p>"You did just have a mental breakdown and self-harmed, we're concerned," Logan said. "It would be much more advisable for you to simply tell Nero you need time to recharge and heel more, he would understand-"</p><p>Envy yanked Logan's arm closer and cupped his hand to whisper to him. "Do NOT ruin this for him, Logic."</p><p>"I am simply suggesting that he put his needs first-"</p><p>"He needs time with his partner!"</p><p>"You do realize I can hear you both, right?" Lust said with a sigh. "Look, I really appreciate your concern, and if it means so much to you guys, escort me there."</p><p>"That's ideal, we wouldn't want you to slip in the snow and tear open your stitches," Logan said, and they began walking down the snowy streets toward the restaurant.</p><p>There were lots of villagers about. Roman had really taken his time, it seemed, and many of them had the faces of famous actors Thomas admired. Every business was bustling with people, all but... all but one.</p><p>"Hey fellas, that doesn't look very Roman-y, does it?"</p><p>Logan frowned. "It most certainly does not, it lacks all of the qualities that Roman's designs possess." Logan, struck with unquenchable curiosity, quickly crossed the street.</p><p>"Lo, I'm gonna be late!"</p><p>"Come on, Lust, be fun!" Envy said as he tugged Lust across the street after Logan.</p><p>"Yeah, Narcissus. Wouldn't want to be a bore. You can't afford to be ugly and boring." Said Honesty's voice, who stepped up beside him. </p><p>Lust held back his comment about them having the same face to avoid the inevitable follow-up insults and ignored him, following Logan inside.</p><p>The place seemed to be an old-school hotel bar, but it was dark and creepy and "probably not up to building or health codes" according to Logan.</p><p>There was only one patron at the bar slumped at the bar, and it took a moment for him to be recognised. "Janus, what-"</p><p>Janus sat up abruptly, his eyes somewhat vacant. He spun around on the barstool. His gloves were an inky black, and he wore a black bandage sleeve gothic style blouse with Remus's sash. Logan walked up to him. "Janus, how long have you been drinking?"</p><p>Janus shrugged. "Dunno. Ask him," he said, gesturing to the eyeless animatronic bartender methodically cleaning a glass.</p><p>"Since 7 am," it said, it's voice sounding like an old radio.</p><p>"Fuck, Jan, you should stop," Envy said, walking over to the bartender and paying Janus's tab.</p><p>"That reminds me, where are you getting all this money?" Logan asked, turning to Envy.</p><p>"I went through Honesty's desk and room and took anything I wanted and sold the rest to Roman's villagers."</p><p>"Impressive."</p><p>Envy blushed. "Thanks, man. Anyways- Janus, buddy, you gotta go home."</p><p>Janus sighed, taking another big drink. "I know I know. But I don't want to have to see... him. At least here I don't have to think about it."</p><p>Logan looked around, spotting a portrait of Remus, Janus and Virgil on the far corner of the wall. "Ahh. The duke made this establishment, I suppose I'm not surprised."</p><p>"Yeah, it was a prank on Roman a few years ago, and he never got rid of it. The locals are too afraid of it and me to come in, so it's peaceful," He slurred, standing up a bit wobbly and looked at all of them. He stumbled over to Lust. "You look like you feel like crap, you can finish this if you want," He said shoving the glass into Lust's hands and walking over to the door. Logan and Envy went after him to talk more, and Lust stared at the glass.</p><p>"I'm surprised he gave that to you, as I recall telling Logan and himself you were allergic to alcohol, they must really not care about you," Honesty said, taking the barstool Janus had just sat in.</p><p>Lust took a seat a few stools down from Honesty, who immediately got up and sat back down next to him. "Fuck off, I've had it before. And anyway, Janus isn't really in the best state-"</p><p>"Yes, let's recall, shall we? Your 16th birthday with Pride and Gluttony, at which point your throat swelled up and they had to take you to the dragon with at four in the morning."</p><p>"I was stupid, and a kid."</p><p>"Also on your 21st Birthday, you got hives when we played that drinking game-"</p><p>"That was not a game. 'if you cry you have to take a drink' isn't fun."</p><p>Honesty shrugged. "And right before you died over hanahaki disease from Virgie, who I had scored before you. But hey doll, do what you wanna do."</p><p>"I want to die." Lust said simply, staring at the glass. It wouldn't kill him, but he would probably throw up. He set the glass down on the countertop.</p><p>Honesty laughed at this. Lust's mind churned. Honesty used to laugh about Lust being upset, but nothing made him angrier than seeing his boys in pain (that wasn't caused by himself). So this hallucination wasn't quite right.</p><p>It was so much more than wanting to die. Lust... didn't want to die. He didn't want to go to the subconscious again, to be stuck in that bleak stormy purgatory with the real Honesty forever. He wanted to not exist, to not have to think or feel anything. And he was heartbroken that that wasn't an option.</p><p>People didn't really love him, did they? Not the way he wanted them to. The other sins had hated him because he was Honesty's favourite, and he was only Honesty's favourite because Honesty knew that Lust hated him. The other dark sides had seen them as traitors for trying to take over the mindscape with Honesty all those years ago, and the light sides? Ha. There was no point in even trying with the light sides. Sure they said they loved him. But how could they? Nero had admitted that he used to like Lust the least of the sins. And now, how could Nero so casually say that he loved him?</p><p>Lust looked at himself in the cracked, dirty mirror behind the bar. He felt that same empty he had felt deep within himself the first time he had tried to kill himself. But now, there didn't seem to be any way out.</p><p>"Honesty?"</p><p>"Oh, you're starting conversations now, hmm? This is good. What's up?"</p><p>"... what's wrong with me?"</p><p>Honesty's expression softened with surprise. "What?"</p><p>"what's... what's wrong with me?"</p><p>"Oh way too many things, Narcissus, I don't even know where to begin."</p><p>Lust's eyes darkened. "Tell me what part of me everyone hates the most!" He demanded, grabbing his hair with his fingers and pulling slightly. </p><p>"You're nothing like the figment Thomas really needs."</p><p>Before Lust could really process this, Envy's hand was on Lust's shoulder. "Hey man, you're gonna be late to your date with Rat if we don't hustle," he said, grinning at the childhood nickname. "Lo's taking Janus home, so you're stuck with me for a bit."</p><p>Long pause. Lust didn't move. Envy blushed awkwardly. "Uhm, L, you... you in there?" he said with a strained laugh. He spotted the glass and grounded. "You didn't drink any of that, did you? I mean, Nero does seem hopelessly in love with you, but I doubt he'd be thrilled if you vomited on him tonight."</p><p>Lust flinched, rubbing his face with his hands, and nodded, standing up. "I didn't drink any, Envy. Let's go."</p><p>Honesty seemed to disappear, and Envy looped his arm in Lust's as they left the building, back onto the icy street. "Hey, can I ask you somethin'?"</p><p>It took Lust a second to process the question, with how lost he was in thought. "What? Oh, sure."</p><p>"So you just... see dad everywhere? Like, is he a ghost? Does he talk to you-"</p><p>Lust was slow to answer. "...I don't see him everywhere. I hallucinate him when I'm having stronger self-doubt than usual, I guess."</p><p>"Oh, okay." Envy said with a polite nod, trying the best he could as a slightly older brother-like side could do. "I... I still don't feel like I ever apologised well enough. It's no excuse, but I... we looked up to dad when he wasn't actively hurting us. And he never seemed to hurt you the way he hurt us, but I should've taken you seriously when you told us what was going on behind closed doors. I know bet it would help if Gluttony and Greed weren't still being dicks about it, but I am so sorry. And I know Pride feels the same way."</p><p>Lust's expression was painfully bare. "Thanks, En. Can we stop talking about him?"</p><p>Envy turned red. "Oh of course! I'm sorry, I just wanted to say my piece, I didn't mean to-"</p><p>"It's fine." Lust reassured, giving Envy's arm a squeeze. Up the road a little bit, he saw Emile and Remy rise up, and then Nero.</p><p>Nero spotted them and smiled, his eyes lighting up. "Envy, whatcha been up to with my man?"</p><p>Envy laughed. "Well, Lust's gotta look good enough for the both of you, doesn't he?"</p><p>Nero's eyes flickered orange with affectionate annoyance as he lighting punched Envy's shoulder. "Hey, you wish you could look this good. And anyway, this scarf was made by Apathy and Roman as a birthday present, don't throw shade."</p><p>"I think it looks great." Lust said softly, and Nero beamed, taking his arm from Envy.</p><p>Remy whooped. "Oh hells yeah gurl, you look incredible!"</p><p>Emile looked tired; his head tilted in Remy's shoulder slightly. "That's a great outfit," He said while yawning.</p><p>Nero looked at him and frowned slightly. "What's wrong? You don't.. you don't like it?" Lust asked, trying to keep his voice from showing any emotion.</p><p>"Oh, it's cute- anything's cute on you, Lust. I was just surprised, that style is out of character for you."</p><p>Yet another comment Lust shoved down. He did his best to smile as they said goodbye to Envy, and took a few long, deep breaths of the winter air before they went inside the restaurant for dinner.</p><p>He just had to make it through dinner. This wouldn't be so bad, would it?</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Whatever Makes You Happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(; I am so sleepy, lads</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-hangovers<br/>-mentions of child abuse<br/>-Oz being Depression</p><p>here, have some good male friendships, as a treat</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patton folded over a pie crust carefully, humming to himself. Rain mixed with snow pattered on the windows outside in the imagination, and the mindscape was relaxed; sleepy. He didn't hear anyone rise up, so when he closed the oven and turned to find Oz lurking behind him, he screamed.</p><p>"Oh my... you... you scared me, Ozzy!"</p><p>"....Did I." His tone made it sound more like a statement than a question, but Patton nodded awkwardly, dusting the flour on his hands off on Oz's tank top and turning on a timer. Oz rolled his eyes but didn't comment, instead just taking a seat at the small kitchen table in the corner and summoning two cups of tea.</p><p>He waved his hand for Patton to sit. The moral side did, staring at the tea for a long moment. "Are you poisoning me, Oz?"</p><p>"No. At least not today, I need to talk to you."</p><p>"Straight- err, gay to the point then, I see," Patton said with a laugh, taking a sip of the tea. "You're no fun anymore. Didn't you enjoy all of those jokes and puns we used to tell? It upset Honesty so much..."</p><p>"Yes, it did. Come to think of it, Morality, why did you enjoy tormenting him? Did you know he was too strict?"</p><p>Patton thought for a moment. "Mattie wasn't too strict, he just wanted to keep order, I suppose. It's to bad you weren't around to see it, he hated Creativity so much!"</p><p>"Out of all of the sides, who do you hate the most?" Oz asked, casually, drinking some of his own tea.</p><p>"Well, I don't really hate any of my kiddos..."</p><p>"That's a lie and you know it," Oz said, leaning closer. Patton shuddered at the tenacity in his eyes. "Tell me. Out of all the sides, if you had to choose, who do you want dead?"</p><p>"...Deceit," Patton said a little uncomfortably as if it were some horrible secret.</p><p>Oz nodded with a smile. "Did you cry for Honesty? When he died?"</p><p>"As much as I can't bring myself to care, are you okay Ozzy?"</p><p>"How about Virgil, when you thought he was dead?"</p><p>"Oz..."</p><p>"or me?"</p><p>"Oz!" Patton shouted, taking off his glasses and wiping them. "...stop."</p><p>Oz laughed softly to himself. "As a father, it hurts when you watch your children in pain, doesn't it. It eats at you, a deep ache- and you wish that pain would stop, don't you?"</p><p>Patton slumped forward with his head in his hands. "The dark sides... you... you all make Thomas so upset!"</p><p>"So you think it's in Thomas's best interest to hurt the dark sides? Retaliate?"</p><p>"I don't... I don't know....yes?" Patton said, gripping at his head.</p><p>Oz sipped his tea. "Don't go frogging out on me, Patton. Now, how about what Honesty did to his boys, hmm? Torture, starve, beat, rape, murder... would you ever do that to one of your children?"</p><p>"Mattie was trying his best to keep a household of young dark sides in line! Sure he made mistakes, but-"</p><p>"So you think that if circumstances change it's okay to abuse your children." Oz mused.</p><p>"No! I... I guess? Uhm..."</p><p>"What would Thomas have to do to make it fair for you to beat him, hmm, Patton?"</p><p>"Leave Patton be, dark side, can't you see you're hurting him?" Came a booming voice from behind him.</p><p>Oz turned around, standing to find King Creativity. "Ahh, you. It's funny."</p><p>"I beg your pardon?" The King asked.</p><p>"I said it's funny. I'm pretty glad I never had to experience you before, Roman and Remus are much better company."</p><p>The king sputtered. "How dare you-"</p><p>"Say, your highness, under any circumstances, is it okay to hurt your children?" Oz said with mock sweetness.</p><p>The king frowned. "I don't believe so, why?"</p><p>Oz smiled, glancing at Patton. "What if they've been behaving horribly? What if they're a menace to Thomas?"</p><p>The king looked uncomfortable. "I'm not an expert, but... isn't it better to just talk to them about their behaviour than physically punish them? I dunno, you should ask one of the actual parents here-"</p><p>"I would, but Patton is out of commission and you stole Roman. Well, I guess I bid you two adieu.  By the way, the pie is burning."</p><p>The king ran over to the oven, opening it to a cloud of smoke, causing the smoke detectors to go off. Patton began to cry, Greed and Gluttony ran downstairs from where they had been eavesdropping on the conversation to try and put out the burning pie.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Logan rose up in the dark side commons with Janus, escorting the side back to his room. "Janus, it is incredibly unhealthy to drink as much as you have today, and quite out of character-"</p><p>"I don't need your opinion, Logic." Janus slurred, pulling out of Logan's grasp and fumbling to open his bedroom door.</p><p>"...Janus," Logan said softly, his expression tired. Janus muttered some reply. "Please be safe. We all care about you deeply."</p><p>Janus laughed, finally managing to get his door open. "Lo, my husband left me, his care was really all that mattered." Janus slammed the door behind himself a little to loud and immediately collapsed into his desk chair.</p><p>When Janus woke, he couldn't tell what time it was. The curtains were drawn tightly, and his vision swam too much to see the clock. He ran to the bathroom connected to his room and threw up into the toilet for what felt like hours, but was probably no more than a few moments.</p><p>Janus became aware of somebody holding out a glass of water to him. "Janus, you're dehydrated." The side swiped the water, drinking it quickly, and looked to see who it was.</p><p>"Hey Oz, what time is it?" He asked hoarsely.</p><p>Oz glanced at the clock. "4:17. Do you mind if I snap you into more comfortable clothes?"</p><p>Janus shrugged, and Oz did as he said; putting the snake side in a pair of yellow and black plaid pyjamas, leaving Remus's sash on his shoulders. "Thanks."</p><p>"What are friends for?" Oz said but seemed to regret it. He led Janus to the side's bed, summoning another cup of water.</p><p>"If it's so early, why are you here?"</p><p>"I can sense how much pain you're in. Difficult to ignore."</p><p>"Oh." Janus acknowledged, leaving the room in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. "Yes, I guess I'm pretty damn depressed."</p><p>Oz shrugged. "Is Remus really even gone? Seems like all you have to do is split him apart again-"</p><p>Janus shook his head. "It's not up to me. The first time, the king was having a lot of inner turmoil, and Patton used that to split him apart."</p><p>"Oh. And you don't think Patton would ever do that for you?"</p><p>Janus laughed sharply. "Are you serious? Patton will try as hard as he can to keep that from happening. Obviously, Remus would stay a dark side, and I think Roman has enough sense about him to realize that Patton is hurting Thomas. That would tip the playing field even more." </p><p>"It's like checkers," Oz mused.</p><p>"Checkers is the layman's chess." Janus giggled a bit deliriously, taking a long drink of water.</p><p>Oz sighed. "I don't know how to play chess. I was kind of thinking that Patton feels like he's playing against us and everyone else, whereas we're trying to play as a team. Either we have to beat him, which isn't the best for Thomas, convince him, which would be pretty difficult, or trick him-"</p><p>"Why do you care so much? Why not just keep being that happy-go-lucky charmer you were when we met you?"</p><p>There was a long silence between the two of them. "Because... my family hurt me. Everything was torn apart because we couldn't get along." Oz rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "At first I thought it was all my fault; that if I was likeable enough, fun enough, nice enough... people could get along better; there would be no need for all this fighting. But... it seems like Thomas has inner conflict regardless, and I just need to do my best to ease it."</p><p>Janus nodded, laying back on the bed. "Janus, I'm really not supposed to say this, as Depression, but I promise things will get better."</p><p>The other side smiled softly, shaking his head. "I appreciate your effort, Oz."</p><p>"You bet. Also, I think it would be good if you see Apathy as soon as possible. His fever broke at about midnight, according to Virgil, but he's still out last I heard."</p><p>Janus didn't answer, and Oz looked to see he's fallen asleep. He smiled softly, threw a blanket over the side, and left the room, making his way back to the light side for the next part in his plan. He typically liked to stick to the shadows, mope around or crack jokes- but times were changing, and he didn't exactly have much of a choice.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Did You Ever Really Think You'd Love A Guy Like Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>woah guys, sorry it's been such a long time since I posted the last chapter (in comparison to the other breaks I've had.) I've been struggling a lot with mental health, so I'm trying to find the pace for writing that I can best manage. Love you all, and I will try to continue updating regularly. (: </p><p>[chapter warnings] <br/>-panic attacks<br/>-mentions of abuse<br/>-guilting into sex</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The dinner went... poorly. Honesty was relentless in his disruption, and Lust had a hard time paying attention or contributing to the conversations. Nero seemed to notice this, and Lust could sense that his boyfriend was distressed by it. </p><p>After a moment, Nero took Lust's hand and pulled him up from the table, going quickly out the door. Honesty whooped. "Oh, I just love watching Nero get upset! It's so thrilling to watch his eyes glow when he throws punches! Looks like he's just about lost his patience, Narcissus!"</p><p>Nero pulled them outside, and Lust felt himself began to panic. As the side suddenly turned around, his grip still firm on Lust's hand. 'Oh fuck he's going to hit me, he's going to-'</p><p>Nero let go of him, and Lust dropped to his knees in the snow out of reflex, raising his arms, waiting for Nero to hit him. But... he didn't. Nero knelt in front of him, whispering. "Hey, baby, it's okay. Can you breathe for me?"</p><p>Nero led Lust through some long breathing until he calmed down enough to speak. "You're not going to hit me?"</p><p>Nero's expression filled with hurt and surprise, but he extended his patience. "Lust, I would never, ever do that. I just wanted to get you out of there, you seemed to be having some kind of sensory overload- Picani said you were dissociating."</p><p>"I'm sorry, he said you would-" fuck. Lust didn't want to finish that sentence. He didn't want to tell Nero about what he was experiencing- it was bad enough that Logan and Envy knew.</p><p>"Who said what? Did somebody tell you I would hit you? Jeeze, I'm sorry if I ever gave you that impression, L-" Nero frantically apologized, and Lust's heart ached.</p><p>He took a deep breath. "No, that's not... that's not what I meant. Nero, I... I'm just... having a hard time knowing what's real and what's not. I misjudged the situation, and I... I'm sorry." He said, stumbling over his words.</p><p>Nero gave him a sad, reassuring smile after a moment, like he could tell Lust wasn't being completely honest but wasn't going to push it. "It's okay. I get it. Can we get up? The snow is making my pants wet."</p><p>Lust giggled slightly, and they helped each other to their feet.</p><p>"Do you want to go home? You look like you could use a cup of tea and some good old fashioned cuddling." He said, drawling his words a little with a smile.</p><p>Lust nodded, leaning into Nero. "Please."</p><p>__________________________________________</p><p>Remy adjusted his sunglasses, twirling the spaghetti on his plate. "So... Lust seemed... out of it."</p><p>He and Emile sat at the table quietly. Remy was a slow eater, and Emile was still tired, so they took their time in relative silence after the other couple left. "Yeah." Emile said with a sigh, lost in his own head.</p><p>Remy leaned across the table, stroking Emile's cheek softly and drawing his boyfriend's attention to him. "You wanna tell me what's been up with you lately?"</p><p>"Not really." Emile said, honestly.</p><p>Remy sputtered. "You don't? Gurl you look like your brain's gonna burst if you don't let your feelings out, and whatever you're doing right now isn't healthy."</p><p>The doctor nodded, poking at the weird fish that the waiter had sworn by as their recommendation. "I wish Thomas was more... stable."</p><p>Remy laughed. "OH! Don't we all."<br/>"Rem, that's not what I mean. Pretty much all of my friends have serious mental issues, ranging from PTSD from abuse to complete sociopathy. So many of them have tried to rape or kill each other that it's nearly impossible to plan who to have brunch with. Everybody is suffering. All. The. Time." Emile took a long drink from his ice water, psyching himself up to finish what he wanted to say. "And I can't do shit about it, Remy. I can't."</p><p>"Of course you can! You do so much for everyone- "</p><p>"That's not true. I am a complete failure of a doctor, a disgrace who can't even stop my own friends from committing felonies, and I feel like garbage, Remy."</p><p>Remy looked at Emile, his mouth agape as he searched for the right words. "babe, I would take all of those insecurities away from you if I could, you know that. And I want to help you... though I really have no clue where to start. But if there's anything that I know about you, it's that you care so damn much about people. They all have no idea how wonderful you are, how hard you work to look out for them. When Nero was having a crisis when he lived with Roman, he called you. Janus and Remus admire you, and you get along so well with Apathy- if anything can serve as evidence as to how great you are, it's that everyone feels like they can open up to you."</p><p>Emile blushed. And while the flattery was nice, and his boyfriend meant well... it didn't change the tensions he knew would be there when he returned home. To Lust, who couldn't stay present, to Patton, who wanted to kill all the dark sides, to Apathy, still in a coma, to the king, a combination of two sides and yet so completely different... the list goes on.</p><p>He stood up, stretching, trying to make Remy's efforts seem more helpful against his depression and hopelessness than they actually were. "Thanks, Rem."</p><p>"Anything for my bae."</p><p>_____________________________________________________________</p><p>The King slept in Roman's room. He planned on changing it as soon as possible- something about the room made him feel homesick and uneasy- but for now, he was stuck staring at star stickers on the ceiling, an old gift from Logan. There was a knock on the door.</p><p>The king stumbled over and opened it to see Patton, holding a tray with popcorn, drinks and a few DVDs, a intense, fake feeling smile plastered on his face. "Wanna watch a movie?"</p><p>"It's 4 am."</p><p>"Oh, I know you weren't asleep. Pleasssse?"</p><p>The king sighed, and opened his door wider. "By all means."</p><p>A half an hour later, they were settled, sitting on Roman's bed, watching The Last Unicorn. The king felt Patton watching him most of the time, and more than a few times Patton made their hands brush in the popcorn bowl. </p><p>When the king felt Patton's hand drift near his crotch, he jumped up. "Okay, what the hell?"</p><p>"I thought we were having a moment?"</p><p>"We are watching a children's movie at 4am, we are certainly not having a moment that warrants you getting handsy." The king spat, pausing the movie to look at Patton, who clearly hadn't expected that response.</p><p>"But... but I like you," Patton said softly, giving puppy eyes.</p><p>"Why? And it better not be because I defended you earlier. Frankly, the more I hear about you, the less sure I am about if I should be staying with the light sides, so you better give me a good reason not to ask you to get out."</p><p>Patton thought for a moment. "You're handsome-"</p><p>"That's a given, try again."</p><p>There was a long silence. "I want to take away one of the two things Deceit holds most dearly. And being with you checks the box."</p><p>The king was shocked. "What? That's wicked! Patton, what on earth do you think warrants hurting that poor man more than he already has been!"</p><p>"It's his fault my best friends are dead!" Patton shouted, his voice cracking. "I was such a fucking idiot! I made a mistake because I was scared, and Oz died because of it! And then I let Honesty do horrible things because I was afraid to stand up to him! I thought that he was onto something, that he was trying to help Thomas- I thought what he was doing was a little bad, but it could certainly be worse.... and maybe we could work through the bad bits later." Patton rubbed his eyes. "It's that snake's fault for making me lose all my friends! He and that... that whore are the center of all my problems, and I want them to suffer!"</p><p>Patton rubbed the tears away from his face. The king didn't know what to say. He felt guilty, especially seeing as he had made Morality cry. "Patton, I'm not in love with you, I want you to understand that. I am flattered though. We can still Uhm... screw if it will make you feel better? we are not saying a word about this to the others though."</p><p>Patton sniffled, a smirk flashing on his face,  and almost instantly stopped his tears as he shoved the king back on the bed. "It would make me feel better."</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be (more than?) Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>heya lads, new chapter time!</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-self-deprecation<br/>-repressing the "forbidden thoughts™"<br/>-guys being dudes being gay but spiced with angst</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next week went surprisingly well, giving the circumstances. Well, on the surface level. Virgil found a new band he liked, Logan got back into chess, and Envy made every effort to learn so he could play- though he was undeniably horrible at it. Janus stopped binge drinking after a couple of days, after Oz hassled him enough. Pride learned how to make Borcht, an impressive feat for a man who had never touched a stove in his life. Nero re-organized and cleaned and painted the entire dark side commons, an impressive feat considering he didn't have powers to summon or teleport anymore. And why, might you ask, was Nero keeping himself so busy?</p><p>Because Lust was an utter wreck. Lust had refused to get out of bed to go see Picani the following morning for his appointment, as much as Nero kindly urged him. And he wouldn't the next day. Or the next. Or any of the following. He was so completely out of it, like he had a set of invisible headphones on playing blaring music only he could hear, and so, reasonably, Nero felt defeated.</p><p>Oz appeared suddenly into the living room, making Nero nearly fall off of the step ladder he was on to paint the trim on a bookcase. "Shit man, don't do that, I could've dropped a bucket of paint on you."</p><p>Oz didn't respond to that. He crossed his arms carefully. "I was just listening in on a phone call that Thomas was having with Nico."</p><p>"Eww, creepy," Nero teased. Honestly speaking, he did like Thomas's new boyfriend. He was a good fit, and it seemed to make Thomas pretty happy to be with him.</p><p>Oz rolled his eyes, half affectionately, but the concern was evident in his voice. "We have... a problem, of sorts."</p><p>"And I'm the first one you want to talk to about it?"</p><p>"You're the only one in the room."</p><p>"you can teleport-"</p><p>"NICO WANTS TO TAKE THOMAS ON A ROMANTIC VACATION FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, " Oz shouted, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>"oh shit."</p><p>"Yeah. Lust and Roman are two people who would be pretty damn important to have around for Valentine's day vacations." Oz said, seeming to grow tenser by the minute. </p><p>"What are you talking about? I'm sure Lust will be able to do his job, and the king should be able to stand in somewhat-"</p><p>Oz sighed heavily. "No offence, Wrath, but your boyfriend is a mess."</p><p>Nero's eyes flickered orange. "Watch your mouth."</p><p>"What are you going to do, punch me? For saying you need to convince your boyfriend to see Picani before it spells serious consequences for Thomas?" Oz laughed.</p><p>Nero stepped down from the ladder, putting the paintbrush away. "I might if you annoy me enough," his tone only half-joking.</p><p>Oz rolled his eyes, but his tone was mellow. "I am not trying to get on your nerves here, I'm just saying that this could be an important milestone in Thomas's life, if not at least his relationship with Nico, and Lust refusing to seek help is jeopardizing that."</p><p>"He just needs time-"</p><p>"We don't have any time! Just because you're willing to wait for your boyfriend to get it together doesn't mean Nico's going too!" </p><p>Nero raised his arm to swing at him when somebody caught his arm. Both of the dark sides recoiled, united by a common enemy. Patton had arrived. </p><p>"Hey, guys! I had smelled conflict and just had to see what was going on! Of course, I'm not surprised you lost your temper, Nero, but Ozzy?" He tsked, bouncing on his heels.</p><p>"What do you want, Morality?"</p><p>Patton smiled a little too widely. "Oh, not too much. I heard about Thomas's little date-cation with Nico and thought it was best we discussed it as a group."</p><p>"You... want to work with us?"</p><p>Patton's smile instantly vanished. "Of course not, the King does. He wanted me to let you know you were all invited to a dinner party he's throwing in the light side common's tonight, and he wants everyone there to discuss it."</p><p>He reached over and gave Oz's cheek an affectionate pinch, and Nero instantly reached up and slapped the other side's hand down. Patton sighed. "See you at six, boys."</p><p>And he was gone. The two of them stood there for a second in silence. "I'm so sorry," Nero began.</p><p>"Don't be, I was rude," Oz said with a soft smile and summoned a plate of snacks. "You want to take a break, then I'll help you finish painting?"</p><p>Nero laughed. "Sure. Guess we have to tell the others about this dinner party from hell."</p><p>Oz paused. "Do we?"</p><p>Nero took an apple slice off of the plate Oz was holding and sat down on one of the steps of the ladder, Oz choosing to sit on the step lower- probably a dangerous choice, but Logan wasn't there to tell them not too. "I thought you wanted to talk about it?"</p><p>Oz tipped his head back and forth a few times, debating what to say next. "I... as important as it is, I'm kind of... sex-repulsed, and don't want to talk about what Thomas and Nico might do."</p><p>Nero shrugged. "Fair. I'm sure it won't be too bad though, and if you get uncomfortable you can leave and I'll fill you in later." Nero reached to grab another apple slice, but his hand brushed against Oz's. Oz smiled at him kindly when he didn't pull his hand back.</p><p>"Thanks, I appreciate it a lot."</p><p>Nero blushed. He. Blushed. "I... Uhm... I need to go check on Lust."</p><p>Oz's gaze fell. "Oh, yeah. Definitely do that." Fuck, why did he seem almost disappointed...</p><p>Nero got up and walked quickly from down the hall, directly to Lust's room. The side was half-buried in a pile of blankets, reading a magazine.</p><p>"Can I kiss you?"</p><p>"huh?"</p><p>Nero knelt down next to the side of the bed. "Can I have a kiss?"</p><p>Lust giggled, leaned over and gave Nero a long, sappy kiss. "Come on, if you want more you have to cuddle me."</p><p>Nero climbed into the bed and buried himself in Lust's blankets and laying his head on his boyfriend's chest, shoving down his thoughts about Oz. Fuck, how could he think about Oz when he was with Lust?</p><p>Guilt surged through Nero, and he buried his head under the covers. "Hey, what's up with you?" Lust asked, pulling the blankets back so he could see Nero. He looked exhausted, but the fondness and slight concern in his eyes made it hard for Nero to look for long.</p><p>"Saw Patton." He half lied, hoping Janus wouldn't respond to it, and grateful Remus wasn't around to call him out on the thoughts he was repressing.</p><p>Lust rubbed his boyfriend's shoulders a little.  "That's not a fun way to start your afternoon. Hmm... I bet spending the next few hours with me will make you feel better." </p><p>"Yeah, that... that sounds great." Nero agreed. They sat there for a few moments quietly. "You know I love you so much more than I can put to words, right?" </p><p>Lust laughed, his eyes shining with joy. Some of the guilt disappeared. He wasn't lying to Lust, he did love his boyfriend... and yet Oz made him feel differently. "I love you too, N. Is everything okay?"</p><p>"Yeah. Perfect when I'm with you," Nero said, repressing the urge to vomit and or cry. No! He would never, ever do that to Lust. How could he even think about being with anyone else? A little voice in the back of his head listed off endless reasons why he was a bad boyfriend. Maybe he was being too hard on himself. But he just didn't' t know how to feel.</p><p>________________________________________________________</p><p>Pride sat on his bed, painting his toenails a shiny, marble white. His hands were very shakey, but the task was calming, giving him a better outlet for his need to control. It made him feel nice, having something he could be proud of, and even these little things helped him be whisked off to a place of normalcy.</p><p>Logan rose up in his room, and Pride startled. "Oh, heya Lo. How are you?"</p><p>"Troubled," he said, sitting down on the end of the bed. "Are you very good at keeping secrets, Pride?"</p><p>"If I say yes will it make you feel better?"</p><p>Logan sighed heavily, raking his fingers through his hair. "I'm worried about Lust."</p><p>"New reason or just, in general?" Pride asked, losing his focus and smearing the nail polish. Logan summoned him a paper towel, which he eagerly took.</p><p>"I'm concerned about him. He refuses to see Picani, and I'm concerned for his well being, as well as Thomas's. I understand that he has suffered a great deal, but he seems to be having a far more difficult time recovering than say, you."</p><p>Pride laughed. "Logic, I have zero depth perception, haven't slept in well over a week, and my hands? just? shake?" He paused, holding his hands up to Logan, who saw that it was true, he couldn't even try to be still. "Lust is a strong dude, he'll be fine eventually, but you shouldn't compare coping mechanisms and healing."</p><p>Logan shrugged. "You're right, maybe we' re to eager. I just wish there were more dark sides who were' t constantly fighting massive figurative demons."</p><p>"Virgil and Envy seem alright."</p><p>"Virgil's been taking care of Apathy a lot, and Envy insists on playing chess with me but cries every time he loses."</p><p>"...Envy can't play chess."</p><p>"Trust me, I am well aware. Janus used to play me all the time, but-"</p><p>Pride nodded. "Yeah yeah, I get that. Well, you can always hang out with me, if you want, since we're friends and all, and I find you incredibly aesthetically pleasing."</p><p>Logan blushed. "O-oh, I-"</p><p>The sin laughed, swatting Logan's shoulders. "No, I didn't' t mean it in a 'fuck me' way. I just think you're cool." Pride stood up abruptly and walked toward the door before turning back. "Do you want to go to make lunch with me? If we don't force the others to eat, the only one who will think about it is Nero, and he usually only makes food for himself and Lust."</p><p>Logan agreed wordlessly, feeling energized by Pride's flattery. Oh, he hoped Pride was right that Lust would be okay.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Did Someone Break Your Heart Inside?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>heya lads! Do you ever project your pain and trauma onto fictional characters? No? hahahahaha...Uhm... Pride's fun to write.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-drinking (should I have tagged this before?)<br/>-mentions of self-harm<br/>-mentions of abuse</p><p>Remember you can always ask if you want me to add or change tags!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So... this seems fun..." Thomas murmured as he looked down from his seat at the head of the table. Patton sat on his right, looking happy as ever, and Janus was on his left looking like he might pass out at any moment. He was wearing his courtroom attire, just as the others were, but he was without his hat. Virgil was next to Janus, followed by Pride, Logan, Envy, Nero and Lust. Oz sat at the other end of the table. Beside Patton was the king, who Thomas had only met a few days prior, Gluttony, Greed, Remy, and Emile, who looked vacant, slumped in his seat.</p><p>"You know what else would be fun, Tommy? Not going on that date-cation with Nico," Pride said, poking at the Lasagna in front of him.</p><p>"Why don't you want to go?" Virgil asked, waving his fork slightly accusatorily.</p><p>He looked at Thomas. "You're not exactly... looking your best."</p><p>"Hey!" Thomas protested.</p><p>Pride waved his hand dismissively. "Hey, you could use a haircut, a workout and less Pizza. Also, wash your face and wear deodorant. If you do go, you should at least try and look like a functioning human being for him."</p><p>Patton chuckled. "The deodorant thing is true- and hey, at least Remus won't be eating all of it now!" There was a loud screeching noise that made everyone cringe as Janus scratched his plate with his fork. He didn't say anything or even look up, but Patton rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I think some self-care would be good for you, Thomas! Help you be the best guy you can be-, of course, if a certain somebody wasn't slacking off on their job, we wouldn't even need to discuss this."</p><p>Janus looked up, his expression numb. "If your one goal of this dinner is to antagonize and insult me in front of Thomas and the others, I think I'll be going. I should go check on Apathy, as nobody is with him right now-"</p><p>Virgil grabbed his arm. "Jay, come on please stay. Just ignore him."</p><p>Pride giggled. "Yeah, and if Patton wants to further prove that he's a little bitch, who' s to stop him?"</p><p>Patton glared, but his smile was sweet. "Respected people don't speak like that at the dinner table, you know. Where has your pride gone, Pride?"</p><p>Pride patted down his pockets for a moment, his expression changing to surprise. "Oh shit, you're right! Where did my Pride go? Everyone check under your seats- Oh! I found it!" He pulled his hand out of his pocket and gave Patton the middle finger. "You know I used to have more self-respect, but it was beaten out of me by your pedophilic boyfriend. But I'm sure everyone would agree that taking the stick out of your ass would help a lot."</p><p>Remy whistled appreciatively at the insult.  Nero, Virgil and Envy began to laugh. Patton lost his smile. "Wow, don't you people ever stop talking about what Honesty did to you? It's incredibly annoying."</p><p>Pride smirked. "Aww Patty, we all know you love hearing that stuff, gives you some fresh material to jerk off too."</p><p>"OKAY, guys we are getting WAY off-topic here," Thomas said, sighing. "The king said we were discussing my date."</p><p>"Thank you, Thomas," the king said, seeming to inch away from Patton. "And yes, we just wanted to talk about the possible situations that might stem from a romantic getaway, and if you are comfortable taking your relationship to that level. And based on our current shape..."</p><p>Oz gestured at the others. "We're not super confident that a romantic trip is the best idea, considering Roman, your romantic side, is gone, Remus, who is generally more... er... kinky, is gone, and Lust is..."</p><p>Lust rolled his eyes at Oz. "I'm what, Depression?"</p><p>Oz looked him up and down. "...you're in sweatpants."</p><p>"You're wearing a fucking tank top?!" Lust protested.</p><p>"That's different, I have great muscles that need to be shown off."</p><p>Thomas frowned, leaning forward in his seat and studying Oz. "Hey yeah, why don't I look like that?"</p><p>Oz shrugged. "I dunno, I'm both vegan and imaginary."</p><p>The king sighed heavily as the others continued to bicker. He leaned behind Patton's chair, who was now in a shouting match with Logan and Janus, and caught Thomas's attention.</p><p>"Thomas, we can't assure that everything will go... right for you. We're trying our best, but..." He waved his hand at the table of screaming sides. "I'm sorry. But hey, Nico loves you. Being yourself should be enough, and we'll do everything we can to make your Valentine's day great."</p><p>There was the sound of glass shattering as Janus smashed his against the side of the table, silencing everyone. "This meeting was useless. Goodnight everyone." He gave Thomas a fond but tired nod. "Good luck to you." And he sunk out, straight to his room.</p><p>Patton frowned for a moment, his brow tense with thought. The other's disappeared, Virgil went to go torment Thomas a little, leaving just the king and Patton at the table. "Do you want to help me with dishes?"</p><p>"You can magic them away. And I need to go have a little talk with Deceit."</p><p>The king frowned. "Patton, what are you going to do to him?"</p><p>"We're going to talk."</p><p>"You're lying to me." The king said softly. Patton shrugged and walked out of the room, and the king clutched his head in his hands, trying to dull the throbbing headache that grew as he felt himself slowly being torn apart.</p><p>_________________________________________________</p><p>Janus grabbed one of the bottles on his nightstand, chugged half of it, and collapsed coughing on his bed. Janus was never great with his liquor, but it was still distracting. It was nice, that way.</p><p>How long did he lay there with his eyes closed, not quite asleep or awake? He heard movement in the hall outside, but eventually, it became fairly quiet.</p><p>Janus sighed heavily, combing his hands through his hair.</p><p>Wait.... those weren't his hands...</p><p>Janus opened his eyes and gasped. Remus. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, petting Janus's hair. "Heya Jay. You miss me?"</p><p>Janus looked past him at the bottle on the nightstand. "How much did I drink?"</p><p>Remus laughed. "Not enough to hallucinate! I missed you, you know."</p><p>Janus's voice broke. "Ree, I-"</p><p>"I missed you so fucking much. I begged for you to come back." Remus rolled up his sleeves slowly and showed Janus his wrists, littered with cuts that looked almost fresh. "But you left me. For Virgil."</p><p>"I didn't! I didn't leave you for him, I had to go save him, I didn't want to hurt you! Remus, I-"</p><p>Remus' s eyes were dark. "You. Left. Me. For a year. I pleaded for you not to leave, and you fucking ignored me. You left me; you left Apathy! And now he may never wake up from that coma because he was trying to save your sorry ass. You're so. Fucking. Selfish."</p><p>Janus was crying now. Remus stood up, walking towards the door. The snake side scrambled out of bed, stumbling forward and grabbing his husband's arm. "Remus p-please, god I am so sorry, I know I hurt you. You... y-you don't have to love me anymore, but please, please don't hate me. I can't live knowing you hate me."</p><p>Remus mused for a moment, smiled sweetly, and turned around, cupping Janus's cheek. Janus visibly melted at the touch, his eyes full of hope and tears. "Janny, Janny, Janny... I should've let Roman keep you. Why would I ever want to stay with a lying, whorish, drunk like yourself?"</p><p>Remus shoved Janus to the ground. Only to be immediately shoved into the wall by a figure in the dark. He screamed- but it was not Remus's scream. "You sick, sick man. Show your real self before I start peeling off your skin to get to it." Oz pressed the knife further against Remus's throat.</p><p>Before their eyes, his appearance rippled, and there stood Patton. "You ruin my fun!" </p><p>"We clearly have different definitions of fun, because if you asked me 'Hey Ozzy, what do you like to do for fun.' And I said 'Oh you know, I like to spend my evenings giving panic attacks to grieving widowers and encouraging them to suicide.' That wouldn't be the most moral thing, now would it?"</p><p>"Well-"</p><p>"I don't want to hear it, Morality. Get out of here, and if you come to the dark side again I will call in Nero and Pride, and we will tie you down, cut off your junk and feed it to you. Understood?"</p><p>Patton nodded, but his eyes were burning with anger. "Good. Now off with you." And he was gone.</p><p>Oz rushed to Janus's side, and snapped his fingers, summoning a slightly bleary-eyed Logan.</p><p>"Oz, what's-" and then he saw Janus, curled up on the floor, completely silent.</p><p>"Patton impersonated Remus."</p><p>Logan's eyes widened, and he dropped to his knees. "Did Patton hurt him?"</p><p>"Not physically too much, but... he tried to convince Janus to kill himself."</p><p>"oh, Janus..."</p><p>The two of them froze when they heard the side begin to laugh as he rolled over onto his back. He giggled for a long time, the others not saying anything, before finally calming himself down.</p><p>"I..." He pulled Remus's sash off and stared at it, snickering again. "I'm going to go sleep in Apathy's room tonight. Goodnight, gentlemen."</p><p>"Janus-"</p><p>He shook his head, slowly picking off his gloves so his hands could feel the silk of Remus's sash. he held it for a few long moments, let it drop to the floor unceremoniously, and walked out, leaving Oz and Logan on the floor.</p><p>In the pitch dark.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. He's With Someone Else In His Head</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>*finger guns*</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-discussion of mental health<br/>-mentions of gore/violence</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lust sat on the sofa, staring off into space. "Ugh, did you know you are the most boring person I've ever met?"</p><p>"Then why do you follow me around?" Lust asked Honesty, his eyes fixed on a blank spot of the wall. </p><p>Honesty shrugged. "I feel... bad when I follow Virgil around. Janus is just fucking depressing. Pride... did you know he does puzzles upside down so he can't see the pictures? Logan thinks it's the most wonderful thing, but I have never seen anything more boring."</p><p>"Why not Patton?"</p><p>Honesty shrugged again, this time flopping across Lust's lap. "I couldn't say. Guess I'm just cursed to follow you forever! Isn't that wonderful?"</p><p>"You're a figment of my messed up psyche, not a ghost," Lust said, rolling his eyes and moving over on the couch so Honesty would no longer be touching him.</p><p>"If you think I'm a figment of your imagination, why don't you go see Picani? He would just love to know how crazy you are."</p><p>"I am not crazy."</p><p>Honesty giggled, ruffling Lust's hair. "Oh, you poor, sweet thing. You know, living in that house with you and your brothers was the best time of my life. I do miss that."</p><p>"I sure as hell don't."</p><p>"I know you don't," Honesty said, leaning in close to Lust's face. "I do wish Nero had come with us. He really is a powerhouse of dangerous energy. Don't you ever worry that he's going to hurt you?"</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p>"It would be easy, Narcissus. It must be fun to live in fear that anything you do could result in him beating or killing or-"</p><p>"SHUT UP!" Lust shouted. And just his luck, Nero entered the room. </p><p>Nero looked around biting his lip. "L, who are you talking too?"</p><p>Shit. Honesty smirked at Lust. "Oooh, yes, tell him all about me so he'll never speak to you again!"</p><p>"I... Uhm... myself." Lust said nervously.</p><p>Nero raised his eyebrows. "You yelled at yourself to shut up."</p><p>"...Yeah." Lust said, followed by an awkward silence. Honesty was laughing so hard he slipped off the sofa with a dull thud.</p><p>Nero sighed softly and came to sit down next to Nero. He took the other side's hands in his, giving Lust's knuckles a quick kiss. "You know you don't have to lie to me, right? I... I want to be here for you. And if there's something going on-"</p><p>"It's nothing, Nero, really."</p><p>Lust felt a pang of guilt as Nero looked away. "Okay. I trust you. Just... I don't want you to get hurt."</p><p>Nero patted Lust's leg and stood, shoving his hands in his pockets and going leave the room.</p><p>"Damn, that was brutal. Do you really want to lose him? I wouldn't be surprised if he left you now..."</p><p>Lust bit his lip and stood up, reaching out and grabbing Nero's wrists. "Wait! I'm... I'm sorry."</p><p>Nero shrugged. "It's fine, you don't have to apologise for anyth-"</p><p>"Yeah, I do! I... I should've been more open with you. Can we... talk?"</p><p>Nero gave him a worried but reassuring smile and the two of them sat down again. Honesty continued babbling from his place on the floor, but Lust dug his nails into the palm of his hand, giving himself something to focus on. "I'm worried you'll hate me if I tell you what's wrong."</p><p>"Lust, there is almost nothing that could make me hate you!" Nero tried to say, but that didn't ease Lust at all. 'almost nothing.'</p><p>"I've been hallucinating."</p><p>Nero tipped his head to the side. "Can I ask you what you've been seeing?"</p><p>Lust glanced to Honesty, who gave him a sly wave and wink, encouraging him to go on, to prove Honesty's point that Nero would be disgusted in him. "I... Uhm... it's him."</p><p>"Honesty?" Nero clarified, his voice soft.</p><p>"Ding Ding Ding! Got it in one!" Honesty laughed.</p><p>Lust nodded, flinching preemptively for Nero to yell at him. But, to his surprise, Nero hugged him. "Aww, Lust why didn't you tell me sooner? I could help-"</p><p>"Nobody takes me seriously as it is! Do you think that if word got out that I can't tell reality from my own fucked up mind anybody would listen to me ever again? They barely do already. Not to mention, I figured you'd think I'm gross, or hit and dump me, or-"</p><p>Nero gave his boyfriend's hands a soft squeeze. "Lust, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. What I'm worried about now is getting you some help. I don't want you to have to deal with him. But there's something I need to ask you; it's... it's been bugging me."</p><p>Lust's heart skipped a beat. "Yeah?"</p><p>"What have I done to make you think I would hit you if we got in a fight about something, or if I was angry with you? You... you said this on our date last week, and I... I don't quite understand what I've done to make you think that."</p><p>Honesty whistled. "Wow, you've really messed up, Lust. He's right, why do you think he's going to hit you?"</p><p>Lust wanted to yell at Honesty that it was because the side brought it up all the time, but he didn't want Nero to see him do so. "I don't know. Part of it is me being overly panicky, but you can get... really intense when you're emotional."</p><p>Nero's eyes flickered orange for a minute and he buried his face in his free hand. "Damn, and I thought I was getting better. And to think this is with all of the antidepressants and shit that's supposed to chill me out." He chuckled awkwardly and pulled his hand back, his eyes no longer orange but still a little hurt.</p><p>"You know what would be good? To try out that couples therapy Picani does sometimes. It'd probably be helpful."</p><p>"Yikes, did I walk in on something?" Said a voice, and the couple looked over and gasped.</p><p>Oz stood there, a knife in one hand and a Tupperware in the other, covered in blood splatters and his hair a mess. Pride stood behind him, in a similar state. Lust stood quickly. "What the hell happened to you guys?"</p><p>Pride giggled. "We cut off Patton's-"</p><p>Oz cleared his throat. "Patton refused to stop terrorizing Janus, so Pride helped me make good on my threat to cut off his testicles."</p><p>"He screamed!" Pride laughed.</p><p>"And you did this without me?" Nero asked, peaking in the Tupperware.</p><p>"Well, you were busy with Lust and we didn't want to impose. Next time he messes with Janus I'm taking his eye though, and you can help with that!" Oz grinned.</p><p>Lust was the only one who looked uncomfortable. "Was violence really... necessary?"</p><p>As if on cue, Pride lifted up his eyepatch and Oz tugged off his scarf, the two of them showing their wounds. "Yeah, I think so. And anyway, he wouldn't go away. I told him 'Patton if you don't stop impersonating Remus to try and hurt Janus I will hurt you' and Patton listened yesterday but today I caught him again and decided he was being a jerk and needed to be taught a lesson."</p><p>"So much for diplomacy," Logan said bitterly as he walked into the room, but he didn't seem half as angry as he could've been. In fact, was that a small grin?</p><p>Honesty walked up, leaning on Lust's shoulder, watching Nero, Pride and Oz talk excitedly. He whistled. "Wow, maybe I should've encouraged Pride to violence more often, he sure seems excited."</p><p>Lust didn't respond. He was to busy looking at Nero. Why was his boyfriend blushing at Oz like that? He seemed so... nervous. Honesty looked between the three of them. "Oh hell yeah, do you see what I see? Looks like your lovely boyfriend is smitten~"</p><p>"fuck you." Lust whispered to Honesty, turning around and returning to his room. </p><p>Nero glanced his way but didn't move to follow.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. 'Cause Only Those I Really Love Will Ever Really Know Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>sup my guys and gays! Multiple chapters for you because I love you all and this is much more fun than crying over my chem homework.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-some descriptions of gore<br/>-dead body<br/>- more emotional turmoil, I guess</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Yo, time for a coffee break!" Remy sing-songed, skipping up to Emile's door. He hadn't spoken to his boyfriend in over a week- he never seemed to be around to talk. Sure, they shared the same bed at night, but... Emile was always asleep before him and awake before him, and then couped up in his office all day. Was Remy worried? Sure, but not horribly. He knew Emile was busy, but he was starting to feel like something was... wrong.</p><p>Yet again, there was no answer at the door. There was never an answer at the door. He heard movement- so Picani had heard him- but why wasn't he responding?</p><p>Remy sighed, taking off his sunglasses and putting them in his pocket. "Em... I'm really worried about you, gurl. We haven't been talking much lately... or damn, I guess it's been dwindling for a long time. I just... if you won't even talk to me... I don't know if I can be in a relationship with you anymore."</p><p>The shuffling behind the door went silent. "I'm just... I'm really worried about you babes. And if you won't let me into your life, I can't... I can't just wait forever."</p><p>Emile swung open the door, and Remy gasped, taking a step back. The room behind Emile seemed to be a whirlwind. The lights weren't on, but from what flooded in from the hallways, he saw papers, stuffed animals, and books tossed about recklessly. And who could deny the smell? It was horrible, like rotten meat and spoiled milk. And if of course, there was Picani himself.</p><p>There were dark circles under his eyes... it was so much worse than Virgil's or Remus's... and it didn't even seem to be makeup. His skin was sallow and he managed to look both rabid and near dead with fatigue at the same time. </p><p>Remy almost dropped the coffee.</p><p>"God, Emile what... what happened? Come on, let's go sit down..." Remy walked into the room, immediately feeling a temperature change. It was humid and sticky, and the smell.... oh god, Remy could barely breathe. Remy fumbled towards the lightswitch as Emile began to protest.</p><p>The lights flickered on, and Remy actually dropped the coffee. Sleep screamed, subconsciously pressing his back to the wall, trying to get away from the hideous thing on the couch.</p><p>Thing. God, no, it wasn't a thing. It was a person. And a very, very, dead person by the look of it.</p><p>Emile stood by the door, waiting for Remy to speak. "Oh god... what did you do..." Remy said, stepping over the spilt coffee cups, walking closer in spite of his better judgement.</p><p>He'd seen a lot of gross things in his time, sure. As Sleep, he always watched the dreams Thomas had and chose when to wake the man up if Remus gave him a particularly disgusting dream. But this... this was so much more real.</p><p>The body was decayed a lot but somehow seemed to be free of bugs. He was covered in old dried blood, but then Remy's eyes fixated on that knee-length silver skirt.</p><p>"Picani... Is this Honesty?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Did you DIG UP HONESTY?!"</p><p>"Logan really didn't bury him very deep or secretly in the imagination, he wasn't hard to find."</p><p>Remy found himself on the brink of hyperventilating. "Why the fuck is he here?!"</p><p>"He understands me!"</p><p>Remy placed two hands on Emile's shoulders, shaking him a little. "Em, you're really, really, sick. He's dead. He can't hear you, he can't talk to you... What is going on!?"</p><p>Emile shrugged Remy off. "You don't get it! You are just one little piece on the puzzle. You have one little job, and you do it, and you do it well. MY job is to make sure all of you sides are running smoothly! When was the last time any of this was running smoothly, huh?! Now we have DEPRESSION as the most active worker in Thomas's life! I can't allow that! If everyone else was okay, they'd balance him out, and it's my job to keep them okay! I'm a therapist, Remy! And I am failing my job!" </p><p>Emile took a long, deep breath, something that baffled Remy as to how he could do it with this god-awful smell filling up the room. "God, but I'm not just failing. Did you know I can feel and sense everyone else's feelings, dear?"</p><p>"Yeah, that's why you're good at your job-"</p><p>"Well, it is NOT so good when literally everyone is constantly having a BrEaKdoWN!" He giggled, his voice crumbling on the last word. He skipped over to the couch, sitting down next to Honesty. "You know, Honesty gets it. He was always broken, I think, though I wasn't really around to see him before killing Oz. Honesty understands what it's like to drown under the weight of not being able to help Thomas because the others can't do their fucking jobs!"</p><p>Remy forced himself forward, placing a hand on Emile's shoulder. "Do you feel like your drowning, babes?" He tried to ask softly, though he felt he already knew the answer.</p><p>Emile didn't answer for a long minute. "I think I drowned the day everyone returned from the subconscious, my dear! And now..." he giggled, the lights going out. Remy felt sick, scrambling to the door, which swung closed on its own accord. "I think I want you to understand it too!"</p><p>_____________________________________________________________________</p><p>Apathy woke with a scream. His sudden scream made Virgil scream, who was sitting on a chair in the corner looking at his phone. "Oh my god, you're awake. He stood up quickly, running to the door."</p><p>"JANUS, NERO, LOGAN GET IN HERE!"</p><p>Nero was the first to show up, running down the hallway. Joy lit upon his face as he nearly hug-tackled Apathy. Janus was next, his clothes in some disarray from sleeping in them all the previous night, but he ran to the edge of the bed, on Apathy's other side, earing the next hug. Logan was last, looking pleased but curious.</p><p>The little side buried his face into Janus's shirt, trying to block the sudden rush of feelings he began to perceive throughout the mindscape. It was like when somebody turns on the radio with the sound on the highest setting, a jolt before he began to feel it go down. Maybe that was just his powers working again, now that he was awake.</p><p>Nero combed his fingers through Apathy's hair like he had done so many times before, and god, did he really feel loved right then. Wrapped in the arms of the two adults he loved the most, he never ever wanted to be let go of. Roman and Remus, while decent enough caretakers during the last year... were never very affectionate, to wound in their own turmoil to focus on him.</p><p>Roman and Remus. Apathy shuddered as he had just swallowed something sour. No wonder Janus felt so bad, he could feel it. The tension in his father's embrace mixed with clinginess, exasperation and exhaustion...</p><p>And then Nero. He seemed so anxious like he was afraid of being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. With his pants down. In a cookie factory. Which was on fire.</p><p>Apathy took a deep breath, hoping to make them feel better. He felt the room grow colder and saw Logan look at him curiously. Janus took a slow breath, a weak smile on his face. "Hey, little guy. How are you feeling?"</p><p>Nero stopped petting his hair, and Apathy reached over, grabbing the side's hand and putting it back on his head, gaining laughter from the adults. Nero continued a more happy smile on his face. "I feel a little winded, but okay." Apathy bit his lip. "Dad, can we have cake for lunch?"</p><p>Janus laughed. "Sure, I'll see if somebody will make you a cake, but I sure don't want to leave this hug."</p><p>Logan cleared his throat, blushing a little. "I can see if Pride and I can figure it out. I'm sure baking isn't too difficult."</p><p>Nero winked at him. "Okay, logic, don't set the kitchen on fire 'cause you're too busy-"</p><p>Janus reached behind Apathy and slapped Nero on the back of the head. "Thank you, Logan."</p><p>Logan walked out, Virgil following so he wouldn't disrupt the little reunion.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. When You See My Face Hope It Gives You Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>IMPORTANT IMPORTANT<br/>IMPORTANT IMPORTANT </p><p>okay, I hope that caught your attention. I'm uploading more than one chapter rn just because I decided that it was gonna be too long if I didn't split it up. So don't miss a chapter because you just clicked on the latest one.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-spiralling<br/>-mentions of violence<br/>-Patton won't keep his hands to himself</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He took a deep breath. Thank everything Apathy was awake. Hopefully, the kid's presence would lighten everyone's mood, especially Janus's. The poor guy sure seemed to need it, with the chances of seeing Remus again so bleak. Or at least from what he had been told, seeing the real Remus.</p><p>Virgil sighed. Damn it, Patton. Patton had been his best friend! ...and apparently the best friend of his rapist. God, they were all pretty stupid, weren't they? This overwhelming hubris seemed to infect everyone on the light side. Even himself, he thought, but surely his own faults weren't as bad as Patton's. Or Roman's. Or Honesty's. Or Logan, but he wasn't nearly as bad after the vibe check Patton had dealt him. And then there was Emile.</p><p>Jeeze, how was Emile? Virgil had been seeing Emile since he was little, Janus had suggested it when he had begun having panic attacks. But lately, the doctor hadn't returned his texts, and since he had gotten back from the subconscious, he hadn't gotten booked for a single appointment.</p><p>"Maybe I should invite him and Remy to get coffee or something," Virgil thought aloud as he made his way to his room, immediately wondering if that was overstepping. Then again, Nero had gone on a double date with his therapist, who was also his ex's new boyfriend, so it probably wouldn't be that weird.</p><p>Virgil's train of thought broke off when he heard voices around the corner and down the hall, slowing down to listen.</p><p>"I don't want to fucking hear it, Patton," The king hissed, and Virgil peaked around the corner into the neutral commons of the mind. He should just go to his room, but...</p><p>"Pride said next time it would be my eye!"</p><p>"Then stop going over there," The king said simply, straightening the newspaper he was reading.</p><p>Patton rolled his eyes, flopping across The king's lap, who shoved him off aggressively. Greed and Gluttony were there, boredly staring at their phones.</p><p>Patton huffed, standing up and going back to pacing. "But that was my only fun activity! Now, what am I supposed to do?"</p><p>"Bake?" Gluttony suggested.</p><p>"Play monopoly?" Greed suggested.</p><p>Patton rolled his eyes, sliding onto the king's lap again, pushing down the newspaper. "I can think of something that would make me less bored~"</p><p>The king stood up, shoving Patton away again as the moral side's hands began to drift toward the king's belt. "If you don't stop touching me I will fucking invite Pride to rip out that eye. And I thought your libido would be much lower, seeing as last time you tried to pull some of your shit you lost your manhood."</p><p>Patton pouted, looking like he was about to say something sincere when Oz rose up in the centre of the room. Patton stumbled away.</p><p>"Aww, you're afraid of me!" Oz laughed. "Pride's keeping your... things in a jar on his window sill, you know. It really seems to make him happy, I hope you give him a reason to collect more."</p><p>"What do you want?" Hissed king creativity.</p><p>"Have you reconsidered the offer I've made, Morality?"</p><p>Virgil leaned further to hear. Offer? What was Oz keeping from them?</p><p>"What offer?" Greed asked, his eyes narrowing.</p><p>Oz's eyes were fixed on Patton, and vice versa, the tension between them incredible. "Split king creativity again. Or I will kill every light side, present and former, starting with you, Greed."</p><p>Present and Former!? Virgil felt his heart begin to race. Surely Oz couldn't be serious. Depression was a fun, light-hearted guy! (Virgil realized how ridiculous that sounded and shook the thoughts from his mind) But seriously, there was no way. And... every light side, present and former? Logan, Remy, Emile, Roman, by the association of the king... and Virgil himself? They didn't deserve to die!</p><p>Patton laughed. "He's joking," the 'moral' side reassured the others, but he didn't look that confident. "Ozzy, you've always been so funny! I sure missed you when you were gone-"</p><p>"Gone? Oh, you mean when you murdered me and made me spend two decades of my life alone in the monster-infested subconscious?" Oz walked closer, and the king moved as if he wanted to step between them, but seemed hesitant. Oz pushed Patton against the wall, trapping him with his knee and right arm, summoning a knife in his left hand and moving the tip of it near Patton's eye. "Do you have any idea how much that damages a person?" His laugh was psychotic and out of character for him, making Virgil shudder.</p><p>"Why the fuck do you care so much, Oz? What difference does it make to you, the king being formed? He seems happy enough."</p><p>"Because it means all the difference to Janus!" Oz nearly shouted. That didn't seem to be the answer any of them expected. Patton raised an eyebrow, and Oz's tone softened. "Janus is the first freaking person to actually care about me my entire life! And you twisted freaks are hurting him!"</p><p>Virgil felt a pang of sympathy for Oz. Even with Janus was worn thin, he always made an effort to be there for others. Virgil's whole childhood had been a pretty happy one, thanks to the snake. And what had Janus done for Oz? Given him his cape one time, comforted him once, and now Oz was willing to go to hell and back again for his barely friend?</p><p>His mind couldn't help going to that day he had slept with Honesty, and how deeply he had wounded Janus and his relationship that day. And Janus... damn, they'd had a hug and apology in the subconscious, but after the way, he'd treated him, how was that enough? Or jeez, he had never even spoken to Lust about the hanahaki thing.</p><p>Virgil began to spiral, his mind picking every instance he'd ever been a less than a great friend. There was.... a lot. It was Patton's scream that brought Virgil back. Oz had driven the knife into the wall a mere inch from Patton's ear, turning around and huffing.</p><p>"If you don't get your act together, I will make good on my threat. You have until after Thomas returns from his trip with Nico to decide before I start picking you off."</p><p>Oz turned, walking down the hallway toward where Virgil was hiding. Shit shit shit-</p><p>Oz spotted Virgil, waved his hand to follow, and the anxious side felt he had no choice but to follow. "How much did you hear?"</p><p>"All of it."</p><p>Oz nodded as if he had figured as much.</p><p>"I'm not going to try and stop you."</p><p>This seemed to surprise him. "You aren't?"</p><p>"Look, one sad emo to another-"</p><p>Oz looked offended. "I am <em>not</em> an emo!"</p><p>"-I don't care what you do. I want Remus and Roman back. I don't want you to kill my friends, but..." Virgil waved his hands. "Something needs to change, Thomas can't continue like this."</p><p>Oz smiled. "I'm glad you agr-"</p><p>Virgil cut him off. "Don't you think it's a double standard, though? Patton and Honesty wanted to kill all the darks, and you want to kill all the lights?"</p><p>Oz froze, his expression changing rapidly. He tugged nervously on his scarf for a long minute. "You're right, Virgil," he sighed. "But I can't do anything else to help. I figure it's my job to protect ya'll since I'm the most oldest and arguably most powerful dark side. And the sooner we can get a balance back, even if that means killing some people, the less of an influence on Thomas I'll have."</p><p>Oz chuckled, his inky black eyes glimmering creepily. "And I don't think <em>anyone</em> wants me to be the most powerful dark side, as too much of me will most assuredly kill him if left unchecked."</p><p>Virgil felt sick at the insinuation. Would Oz really make Thomas kill himself if the mindscape broke even more? Was he really the most powerful dark side?</p><p>Oz hummed, his normal cheer coming back all at once. "Anyway, wanna go see what the others are eating? I'm hungry."</p><p>"We had lunch two hours ago," Virgil muttered, lost in thought.</p><p>"Sure, but it's an excuse for me to see Ner- everybody," he said, blushing and skipping off, leaving Virgil to contemplate.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Everyone Thinks That We're Perfect Please Don't Let Them Look Through The Curtains</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Potato, why are you publishing another chapter? You did two yesterday, don't you have more important things to do?"</p><p>"Yeah, but the incorrect quotes and jams filled me with vigour, and I am a slave to my short bursts of creativity. Also, I finally cleaned my desk off of craft supplies and old essays again so I don't have to sit on my bed or sofa like a cryptid anymore."</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-mentions of rape and abuse<br/>-child abuse<br/>-flashbacks<br/>-cuddling (there you go, a give you a scrap of fluff because you deserve it)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Honesty had been on edge all day. He had told the boys that they were to have a visitor that afternoon, but he had yet to tell them who. It didn't really concern them anyway, who it was. But they needed to be presentable.</p><p>So there he was, knelt down in front of Pride, dabbing concealer over a dark bruise on the tween's face. "It feels weird," Pride protested, yanking a little on his tie so he could breathe better.</p><p>"Well I can't have Patton thinking I beat you, now can I?" Honesty hissed, standing up.</p><p>The bruise hadn't actually been his fault, this time. The ones on Greed's neck and Envy's scrawny shoulders he'd already covered? Sure, that was his fault. But Pride had actually gotten in a fight with Greed earlier, and it wouldn't be fair if he were blamed for this. No. Patton was coming, and he didn't want Patton to think any less of him.</p><p>There was a knock on the door, and Honesty hurried to open it. Patton stood there, his warm expression lightening up the room as he hugged Honesty, stepping in. "Mattie!" Patton giggled as he stepped inside. "It's been too long!" </p><p>It had only been about two months since his last visit, but of course, it was hard to getaway. Patton turned, smiling at the sins, who stood nervously lined up against the wall. "Well, you sure have gotten taller!" Patton said, fluffing up Pride's hair, which Honesty had managed to comb down not half an hour earlier. Pride blushed, standing even straighter. God, compliments were a powerful drug for him. </p><p>After the initial greetings, Honesty turned to them. "Alright, Lust and Pride, come here, the rest of you scatter, we'll be home in a couple of hours."</p><p>Envy, Greed, and Gluttony were quick to do as they were told, pushing each other to get up the stairs faster. Honesty pulled on a sliver pleather jacket and Lust and Pride followed suit, and they went out. The boys knew better than to ask why, but Patton was immune from Honesty's frustrations.</p><p>"Why are you bringing the children?"</p><p>Honesty shrugged as he started down the road. "They're my favourites, and they won't be a bother."</p><p>Patton laughed, catching up with Honesty and linking his arm in the others. "You're not supposed to admit to liking some of your kiddos more than others," he had said, rolling his eyes affectionately.</p><p>Pride had always been so uncomfortable with how Honesty could just flip a switch and be a nice friend and parent. It didn't seem quite right. Lust walked quietly next to him, his eyes fixed on the ground. Honesty had taken them into the village a few times, shopping trips, dinners... but it wasn't very often. Was this some sort of reward? Pride skipped along the warmth of being called one of his dad's favourites' filling him.</p><p>"Come on L, you're gonna fall behind!" Pride said, grabbing Lust's wrist and tugging him along. </p><p>The younger sin winced, ripping his hand away. Pride reached over and tugged up Lust's sleeve, revealing a long wrapping of bandages.</p><p>"Yikes, and I thought he didn't get rough with you."</p><p>"Shut up. He didn't do this, anyway." Lust sped up, yanking down his sleeve again and Pride hurried to catch him.</p><p>"...sorry."</p><p>"Whatever," Lust mumbled, and they didn't talk again the rest of the walk.</p><p>Pride had found himself annoyed with Lust, to some extent. What, Lust didn't get on the wrong end of any of Honesty's bad days, so he made drama for himself? And this was just a week after Lust had shown up to Pride's door crying about Honesty raping him. Jeeze, was he still bitter about Pride's reaction?</p><p>'You're supposed to enjoy that sort of thing, aren't you?' </p><p>Well, wasn't he? He was Lust, after all, that was like, his whole thing, as far as Pride had understood.</p><p>They made it to Mainstreet and Honesty and Patton had frozen, pulling away from each other, and Pride and Lust hurried forward to see what the commotion was. There was a small crowd gathered on either side of the street, and in the middle... the duke and the prince were engaged in a battle.</p><p>Patton paled. "We should go back, I can't be seen with you."</p><p>But Honesty just shook his head. "Go get us a table at that restaurant over there," he said, waving his hand in the direction of a side street. "I wanna say hello."</p><p>Patton rolled his eyes but hurried down the street. Honesty took one of the boys on either side of him, holding their hands as he tugged them across the street, pulling them to the front of the crowd. </p><p>Remus ducked under Roman's katana swing, taking his morning star to Roman's legs, the prince just barely able to jump. "Get back, you foul bastard, this village is my territory!" Roman shouted, bringing his katana down again.</p><p>Remus side-stepped. "Ro-bro, your territory ended a quarter-mile ago, this is mine fair and square-" he began, but he froze in surprise when he made eye contact with Honesty.</p><p>Roman took the opportunity to move his katana fast as lightning, disarming Remus in an instant. Then he saw what Remus was looking at. "Oh. You."</p><p>"Me," Honesty said with a smile, flipping his 'bad person' switch back on.</p><p>"What are you doing here, Hoe-nasty?" The duke asked, picking his morning star off the ground and slinging it over his shoulder. The crowd began to disperse, growing bored quickly.</p><p>"Taking my sweet children out for ice cream, what does it look like? And actually, the house ya'll banished us to is a part of this village, which is the Dragon Witch's territory and mine, respectively. So you boys should be getting home."</p><p>Roman huffed. "I thought you had five?"</p><p>"Five?"</p><p>"Kids. Five kids."</p><p>Honesty shrugged. "I left them at home. They are teenagers, you know, or has it been so long since you took the time to care?"</p><p>Roman sounded offended, but Remus, who was still considerably taller than them, knelt down. "And what are your names?"</p><p>"Pride!" He said excitedly, his eyes gleaming with delight at the Morningstar.</p><p>"And you?" Remus urged.</p><p>Honesty's grip tightened slightly on Lust's hand, urging him to speak. The youngest sin muttered his name and hid behind Honesty more. "He's Lust." Pride said, and Remus giggled.</p><p>Roman clapped his twin on the back of the head. "Oh shut up, you."</p><p>"Well, it's been fun, but we should be going. Give Deceit my best, duke."</p><p>"Fuck you too," Remus called, turning to leave.</p><p>Pride glanced at Lust and was taken aback by the expression on his face. Did he look... desperate? Lust looked at Pride, and then back at the twins. His breathing became rapid, and suddenly-</p><p>Lust wrestled out of Honesty's grip, running forward and grabbing the twin's sleeves. They both turned around, startled. "Please don't make us stay with him anymore, duke, Prince-" he begged. Roman ripped his hand away, scoffing and sinking down. Honesty looked furious. </p><p>"Duke, please don't make us stay here any longer, we're sorry we tried to hurt Thomas! Please!"</p><p>Honesty caught Lust again by the back of his shirt. "Sorry about that," Honesty said with a smile. "You know how children are."</p><p>Remus looked ill at ease. Pride looked at Lust, who seemed heartbroken. "Pride, come on!" Lust whined.</p><p>Why hadn't he said anything to Remus? He had just frozen, listening to Lust cry and Honesty chatter. The creative side gave them a look and sunk away.</p><p>Honesty immediately shoved Lust into the dirt. "You little brat! What were you trying to accomplish here, hmm? Did you think that side was going to be your knight in shining armour!? I hate to break it to you, but we are banished! They don't fucking want you!"</p><p>Honesty took a deep breath, turning to Patton. "You two go home. We'll discuss your punishment later, Lust. I still have a date."</p><p>He stalked off, leaving the boys on the road. Lust sat there and cried for a while. Pride shuddered with guilt, tugging off his tie and shoving it in his pocket now that Honesty was gone. "Come on. We need to go home."</p><p>Lust stood, rubbing the tears from his eyes. "Why didn't you say anything?"</p><p>"It wouldn't have done any good. Dad was right. Come on."</p><p>"You're a coward." Lust said, standing up and running off down the street. He'd go home eventually, Pride knew.</p><p>Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. Coward. COWARD.</p><p>Pride woke with a scream, drenched in a cold sweat. The dark of his room felt suffocating, and even when he turned on the lamp, the lack of sight in one eye made him disoriented. Shit. Pride stumbled from his bed, tripping as he went to the door. The mindscape was dark, but not quiet. There was light streaming out from under several of the doors down the hallway. What time was it??</p><p>Pride fell threw his doorway, finally finding the door he wanted by feel and banging his fist on it.</p><p>Lust opened the door, and Pride enveloped him in a hug. "Holy shit!" Lust screeched, nearly falling over with the hug. "Jeeze, Pride, what-"</p><p>"I'm sorry!" Pride said between breaths. "I'm so sorry."</p><p>Lust seemed incredibly confused but patted Pride on the back reassuringly. "Pride, what-"</p><p>Pride pulled back, rubbing his good eye clear of tears as he chuckled. "It's late, right? Let's talk tomorrow, it's rude of me to just barge in like this. Good talk!"</p><p>Pride muttered as he left, despite Lust trying to catch him. Logan's door was cracked, so he went in without knocking.</p><p>The logical side was sitting on the little sofa in the corner of his room, reading a book by lamplight. He didn't say anything as Pride walked forward, and dead-weight flopped onto the logical side's bed.</p><p>"Oh, good evening. I figured you were asleep."</p><p>"Was. Not anymore." Pride said, his voice muffled by the blankets.</p><p>"What's wrong, Pride?" Asked Logan, putting a bookmark in his book and setting it down. He had read it plenty of times before anyway, and Pride was more important.</p><p>"Nightmare. I really am a shitty friend and brother, you know."</p><p>Logan walked over and joining Pride on the bed, placing a hand awkwardly on the sin's back. "I don't think you're a shitty friend, Pride. a few mistakes aren't a proper judgement of character."</p><p>"And here I thought you hated me," Pride said, sitting up straighter.</p><p>Logan looked surprised. "What? Why did you think that?"</p><p>The sin shrugged. "I mean, they made me kidnap you when we were in the subconscious. They hurt you."</p><p>"They hurt you worse. And you were the one who helped me get away from them, Pride."</p><p>Pride shrugged, sighing. "I guess." What else could he say to get Pride to understand? He smiled softly at Logan. "Thanks, man. Well, it's late, I should go-"</p><p>Logan caught him before he could scamper out as he had done with Lust. "Wait! You shouldn't go."</p><p>Pride glanced at him with surprise. "I Uhm... What with your vision impairment, and nightmares... I think it would be much better if you stayed here. With me. If you'd like to, that is. For your safety."</p><p>Pride nodded, not quite seeming to get it. "Okay. I can't summon stuff, so do you want to get an air mattress or something-"</p><p>Logan shook his head, his cheeks blushed as he struggled to find the words to voice his feelings (Don't tell anyone he had feelings). "I think you're misunderstanding. I meant, Uhm... with me." He patted his bed awkwardly.</p><p>Pride seemed to finally clue in, unable to stop smiling. Jeeze the two of them were emotionally stunted and bad at communicating, he thought. Logan got up, Pride climbed into Logan's bed, and the logical side turned off the lamp, crawling in as well, setting his glasses on the bedside table.</p><p>Pride worked up the courage for a few moments before leaning his head on Logan's shoulder, and the logical side immediately wrapped his arms around him, sliding his finger's through Pride's hair comfortingly. Logan was so warm, his strong arms so nice to be held in. And to think the last person he'd slept with was Honesty. Damn this was so much nicer.</p><p>And for the first night in Pride's life, he found himself truly sleeping soundly.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. I Said It's Too Late To Apologize</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>yo yo yo yo here's another! I hate to leave it on a cliffhanger like this, but this chapter is already longer than I typically like to do, so I think I'll give you this for now.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-panic attacks<br/>-hallucinations (Honesty, I guess?)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Soft sunlight streamed through the indigo curtains, illuminating some of the dust particles in the air. Logan's alarm went off, and he blindly smashed at it. He should be getting up now, dressing and making breakfast... and yet today, he felt zero desire to move.</p><p>Of course, having the guy he liked sleepily clinging to him didn't do anything to encourage him to leave. Logan closed his eyes, shoving down the little voice that wanted him to be productive. This was much better than breakfast, he reasoned, and good for his mental health too. Pride murmured softly in his sleep, and Logan swept his hair back, away from the sin's face. He looked so peaceful laying there, none of the normal twitchy tension he usually seemed to carry evident on his face.</p><p>Logan began to hear noise outside the hallway. The other's were getting up, it seemed. Usually, the order of waking up was Emile, Greed, Logan himself, Patton, Apathy, Gluttony, Remus, Envy, Janus, Lust, Roman, Remy, and Virgil and Nero, hours after everyone else. Pride was inconsistent, and Oz... Logan hummed to himself. Jeeze, did Oz ever sleep?</p><p>Pride opened his eyes slowly, yawning and stretching like a cat. He saw Logan and smiled. "Heya," he murmured.</p><p>"Good morning, Pride," Logan said, slowly willing himself out of bed. He pulled off his shirt to get dressed and Pride cleared his throat awkwardly, turning beat red and looking away, mumbling.</p><p>Logan straightened his tie. "I'm going to go start breakfast if nobody else has. Get up whenever you like, no rush." The logical side looked over to Pride and froze when he saw the sin's expression.</p><p>"You're fantastic, you know?" Pride said with a sleepy, crooked grin before flopping back onto the pillows and pulling the blankets over his head again.</p><p>Logan sighed his hand on the doorknob for a minute. Fantastic. Pride said he was fantastic. And for what? Existing? Logan opened the door and closed it softly behind him, his mood higher than it had been in a long time.</p><p>________________________________________________</p><p>The kitchen was crowded. Nero was fighting the crappy old mixer the dark side kitchen had, cursing that his waffle batter was to thick. Envy from his place making eggs commented that 'maybe Nero was just to thick headed' and was now massaging his left arm was he had earned a punch. Lust was pouring Orange juice into cups and making toast, laughing at Nero's struggles while giving his boyfriend words of encouragement.</p><p>"Hi, Logan!" Apathy yelled over the mixer from where he stood trying to steal a lick of batter, despite Nero repeatedly telling him he shouldn't eat raw egg.</p><p>The chaos was... nice. Everyone seemed in a better mood with Apathy awake again. And breakfast was high spirited.  Pride and Virgil showed up not to long before they sat down, and everything seemed nice.</p><p>Well, except for how many empty seats there were at the table.</p><p>Oz was nowhere to be found, Remy and Emile must have been having breakfast together or with the light sides today, and of course... Remus's old spot beside Janus remained empty.</p><p>"Lust?" Virgil called as he began to take the dishes to the kitchen with Pride. As they had been the last to show up, they were on dish duty.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Do you think you could stick around? I kind of need to talk to you."</p><p>Pride focused his eyes on the dish he was scrubbing. "I do too."</p><p>Lust felt a wave of nerves crash over him. Honesty appeared, quick as a whip behind him with a whistle. "Oh damn, you did something to piss off both of them? I'm impressed, Narcissus."</p><p>"I Uhm... yeah. I'll just... I'll go sit at the table."</p><p>"Do you wanna go for a walk in the imagination? It's really nice weather today," Virgil offered.</p><p>"Yeah. That sounds nice." Lust said, digging his fingernails into the old wound on his hand to ground himself.</p><p>When the dishes were done, Virgil snapped the three of them to a park near Remus's castle. It really was a nice day. There were birds everywhere, the sky was a bright blue, and the sun was warm. Remus would never have willingly created that in his kingdom, they all knew, but with the king in charge... things were just different.</p><p>"Soooo..." Pride said, looking at Virgil. "I guess I'll go first."</p><p>The side adjusted his eyepatch subconsciously. "I wanted to tell you I am really, really sorry."</p><p>Well, that certainly wasn't what Lust was expecting. "What? Why?"</p><p>Pride laughed uncomfortably. "Jeeze, where do I start, 20 years worth of being a not-so-great person to you is a lot to apologise for." He paused for a moment to think. "I guess... I should've stood up for you more. I didn't want to even think that dad was hurting you the way he was. I thought and said a lot of pretty crappy things to you and about you when we were kids. I've been realizing that more and more lately."</p><p>Lust sighed. "Pride-"</p><p>Virgil interrupted him. "I'm sorry too. You tried to warn me about Honesty, and I was a bitch about it. Even if I didn't reciprocate the feelings you had for me, I shouldn't have ignored you."</p><p>Lust frowned, his brow creasing in thought. He took a step forward, and turned around, forcing the others to face him. "Why are you bringing these things up now?"</p><p>Virgil looked a little pink, staring at his shoes. "We just wanted to show you that we cared about you."</p><p>Pride smiled. "Yeah, and after Nero told us you weren't doing so hot-"</p><p>"I'm sorry, what?" Lust demanded.</p><p>Virgil and Pride glanced at each other. "Nero said you were struggling with your mental health, especially with Honesty-"</p><p>Lust raked his fingers through his hair. "You have got to be kidding me." He laughed softly, trying to wrap his head around it. What, so Nero had just? Told them? I mean, Lust hadn't told Nero not to tell the others, but why the hell would he go around spilling the sin's deepest troubles to his friends?</p><p>"I have to go," Lust said shakily, running off into the woods, despite Pride and Virgil calling after him, trying to chase him, neither of them knew the imagination quite as well as he did. After only a few minutes he lost them, and within ten he had subconsciously found the place he always seemed to end up.</p><p>Home.</p><p>The building looked much the same as it used to, half inlaid in the side of the cliff. King Creativity, when they were banished, had designed it like a creole townhouse, but the white paint was peeling now, and the bricks breaking apart where plants shoved through. It had only been without residents for a little over a year, and yet the soft February sun made It look like it had been abandoned much longer, what with the ivy dripping from the balconies.</p><p>It was silent as a tomb when he opened the door. Dust sat heavily on the floor as he walked through, stirring with each step. "Of all the places to be banished," came a voice, and Lust realized with no surprise that Honesty had arrived. "I sure did love this house. And you boys."</p><p>"Well yeah, loving children is a staple of being a paedophile," Lust muttered, opening the doors of each room. </p><p>Honesty rolled his eyes. "Oh, I don't like children in general."</p><p>"A shame, considering you had so many of us."</p><p>Honesty scoffed. "As annoying as you can be, this new confidence is nice. I'm proud of you."</p><p>Lust shook his head with a laugh. "See, that's how I know you're not the real Honesty. My father would never have said he was proud of me."</p><p>"Can't you let me speak for five minutes without some sort of witty retort?"</p><p>"I don't think so."</p><p>Honesty threw his hands in the air. "What I mean to say is that I still do care about you."</p><p>Lust ignored him this time, going and throwing open the doors to Honesty's study. The bloodstains on the wood floor almost made him throw up. The one by the desk would be Pride... and nearer the door... had been Virgil. He stepped over it with a deep breath.</p><p>"Aren't you angry that Nero spilt to everyone about your little 'crazy' situation?" No answer. "Or how about the fact that he seems to be smitten with Oz?" No answer. "Or how about-"</p><p>"Just shut up, okay?! I get it! Maybe this isn't the best. But he loves me, and he actually listens to me, and he tries! Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you."</p><p>Honesty raised an eyebrow, quiet for a long moment. "Why don't you go look through my desk? There's something you should see in there."</p><p>"What? You're a collection of child po-"</p><p>"Shut up about that already!" Honesty snapped, balling his fists as he went over to the desk, pointing to a particular drawer.</p><p>Lust stood for a moment, debating. One of the more important rules there had been, growing up, was not touching Honesty's stuff. Especially the desk. But here he was. An adult. Nobody was here, really- (and he didn't count his hallucination of Honesty)- and what could be so bad?</p><p>Lust carefully opened the drawer, and Honesty stepped back. There was a large notebook sitting in the drawer, among some other clutter. "I had to put it away, you see, when Virgil was here. He was in the library and found and read some of the others, but I was lucky enough he never got to yours."</p><p>Lust shook his head, dropping the notebook on the table. "What, so you want me to read about my own abuse from your perspective? Thanks, but no thanks."</p><p>Honesty shook his head. "What, you're not even a little curious?"</p><p>"No, I'm not."</p><p>The hallucination raised an eyebrow. "Suit yourself then." And disappeared.</p><p>Lust looked at the notebook for a long while before picking it up with a huff. Of course, he wanted to skim through it. He went to his old bedroom, sitting down on the dusty bed. It was comforting to be there, to some extent.</p><p>He took a breath and opened it.</p><p>___________________________________________</p><p>"We're lost."</p><p>"We are not lost!" Pride insisted, wiping the sweat from his forehead. They'd been walking for well over a half-hour trying to find Lust, and Virgil was becoming more and more cynical.</p><p>"Come on, you lived in the imagination for over almost twenty years, and you don't know how to get to the house?"</p><p>Pride rolled his eye. "No, Anxiety, I don't. I didn't leave very often, and when I did, I only ever went to the town or the dragon witch."</p><p>"Then why the hell is Lust so quick?"</p><p>Pride threw up his hands. "I don't know, 'cause he ran away a lot?"</p><p>Virgil scoffed, taking off his hoodie and tying it around his waist. He still wore his old one, as unfortunately he had given Honesty his newer one back in the dungeons and had never gotten it back. Could he make a new one? Yeah. But the thought of that hoodie... it made him uncomfortable.</p><p>Pride laughed suddenly. "Haha, I told you we weren't lost! It's across that bridge and about a quarter-mile."</p><p>Said bridge was absolutely hideous. It was a train bridge, and incredibly run down- funny really, as to either of their knowledge there were no trains in the imagination- and there were gaps where pieces had fallen off into the river.</p><p>"Pride?"</p><p>"mhm?"</p><p>"If I fall and drown I'm blaming you," Virgil grumbled.</p><p>"Okie Dokie," Pride said but didn't move to walk across, his expression firm with worry. "Man, I don't know if I can... you know, cross this."</p><p>"What? Why not?"</p><p>Pride gestured to his face and his eyepatch. "Dude, I run into walls daily. You think I can balance on a rusty set of train tracks?"</p><p>"Point taken. Fine, wait here."</p><p>Virgil didn't have too much difficulty crossing, though the creak of the old wood caused his heart rate to spike considerably. When he got across, Pride waved, and Virgil stalked off toward the house.</p><p>Sure enough, the front door was open. The building made Virgil uneasy, of course. The pictures on the walls, staring from behind a coat of dust, the mold that seemed to be growing in some spots of the ceiling; it was all a sickening reminder of the last time he was there, and he really wished Pride was there with him.</p><p>Of course, that last time either of them had been there they had died. So maybe keeping both of them from having their old trauma brought up was for the best.</p><p>There was soft crying from up ahead, and Virgil went to the door and knocked softly. "Hey L, I'm gonna come in, okay?"</p><p>Lust didn't answer, and Virgil carefully opened the door. The side was curled up on the floor next to the bed, his face in his hands. There was a book sitting on the bed. Virgil's mind flashed to that day in the library.</p><p>"Hey Lust, you know Honesty's a sick bastard, the stuff written in there isn't-"</p><p>"I'm not," Lust sobbed, trying to dry his face on his sleeve.</p><p>"You're not what?" Virgil said, kneeling down beside the sin.</p><p>"I'm not Lust!" he shouted, his voice cracking as he finally made eye-contact with Virgil, his eyes red and puffy from rubbing them. "I'm not. H-he... he lied."</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Vengeance From The Grave (part 1)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>heyo! Here's the next chapter. These chapters "Vengeance From The Grave" are to give backstory to how Honesty and the others eventually got banished, and what's up with Lust. This is, more or less, the story narrated in Honesty's notebook about Lust (as it's so centred on him.)</p><p>Love ya'll! uwu</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the late 90's, if Honesty remembered correctly. Janus was kicking his ass at chess.</p><p>"I don't like playing this with you."</p><p>"Why, because you always lose?" Janus said, moving the rook.</p><p>"No, because you're cocky," Honesty laughed, trying to plan a move.</p><p> Janus shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "That's rich coming from you," he scoffed.</p><p>"Well I think you're both great at it!" Patton said, from his place at the side of the table. He had no idea how to play, but it was either this or hang out with the younger sides, and Friday evenings were game night. A high tensioned, awkward game night- but it meant a lot to Patton, and neither of them were going to step down.</p><p>Honesty laughed. "Thanks, Morality. Anyway, Deceit, how are your ankle biters doing? Our creativity is an absolute angel, you wouldn't believe it." He moved a piece on the board.</p><p>"They're fine, thank you. Though the creativities are nearly as old as me, I wouldn't call them 'ankle biters.' He seems well adjusted."</p><p>"I do wish we'd get more light sides, though," Patton said, looking whistful. "Then I wouldn't have to rely on just Honesty, Picani, and Creativity to eat my baking," he chuckled. "Logic doesn't like it so much."</p><p>Janus raised an eyebrow. "I'm really not much for baking, but you know the sins would be happy to eat anything you come up with."</p><p>"Gluttony especially," Honesty muttered with a laugh.</p><p>Janus's human eye narrowed. "That's uncalled for. And besides, anything's fine in moderation." He moved a rook, and Honesty sighed. Janus won again.</p><p>The mindscape suddenly shook. It wasn't a lot, but enough that the three sides rose from their seats. "New guy, New guy!" Patton yelled, his eyes bright. "You two go meet him, figure out where he goes! I'll start working on a cake. What do you think they'll like? Chocolate or-"</p><p>Honesty placed a hand on Patton's shoulder. "Buddy. It really doesn't matter what you do."</p><p>Patton rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Just go already! Oh! Next Friday let's play poker!"</p><p>Honesty and Janus looked at each other, walked out of Patton's view, and burst out laughing. "Yeah, 'cause poker with the self-proclaimed 'Lord of the Lies' is totally fair. You'd have me naked in minutes."</p><p>Janus rolled his eyes as they started off. "Hey now, he said poker, not strip poker."</p><p>"Aww, but that'd be much more fun."</p><p>"Tell me, Honesty, can you really imagine Morality playing strip poker?"</p><p>Honesty wanted to say that he could, but they arrived. It was a door, simple and white, and it leads to the middle of the imagination. Perhaps middle wasn't the right word- The imagination was about the size of the state of New York, though most of the creations that the twins made were within a few miles of each other.</p><p>Janus opened the door and stepped inside, not bothering to hold it open for Honesty. Deceit had always been an interesting person, in Honesty's mind. If they didn't have opposing roles, Honesty thought he'd have liked to get to know Janus better- much better- but that was out of the question, and he shoved the thoughts down for now.</p><p>Standing about 90 feet from the door was a little boy, maybe 6 years old or 7.</p><p>"Hello!" Honesty had exclaimed with his usual drama, clapping his hands together. The boy turned around, looking surprised to see other people. Janus had approached slowly, knelt down and shook the boy's hand as Honesty practically danced in place, his fingers crossed. New light side new light side new light side...</p><p>"What's your name?" Honesty had asked, tipping back and forth on his heels.</p><p>"He's probably a sin," Janus said. "Considering most of the last ones were."</p><p>Honesty felt frustration bubble up inside him. No fucking way was Janus just going to take this kid to the dark side, they didn't even know what he was supposed to represent!</p><p> "that's not fair!" He had grumbled, kicking the ground. "You've got the last 6 newbies, Deceit! Let me have this one-"</p><p>"Exactly, it would be healthy for him to be around other sides his age. Also, I didn't get the last 6; you got creativity a last a June." Janus had said softly, straightening his shirt.</p><p>"Yes, but then he split!" Honesty had argued, but it was clear that Janus had stopped listening.</p><p>"I hardly think you need to be so cross over this. Aren't you content with Logic, Morality, and the half of Creativity you have? What does Lust mean to you, Honesty?"</p><p>"We don't know he's Lust," Honesty spat.</p><p>"6 other 'deadly sins' have formed recently, isn't that the most logical one to appear?"</p><p>"Sure, but the two of us just guessing every time a new guy shows up probably isn't the best course of action," Honesty said.</p><p>Janus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Honesty, really. We've guessed on the last nine sides, and things were fine. Hell, you and Patton had to guess who I was." He sighed. "Look, he can live with the other boys his age for a little while, and if we find out or even have suspicions he's in the wrong place, I will bring it up at poker on Friday."</p><p>Honesty pouted, storming off. Janus took the boy away with him, and Honesty didn't hear anything about it for the next week. "Maat, really, I'd love to get a new light side, but Deceit is probably right. The last six were dark sides-"</p><p>"He's not the boss here! Why does he get to make these final decisions?!"</p><p>Patton hugged Honesty from the side. "I never said he was. I just think we need to give it time. He said we'll talk again on Friday, so we will. It's a silly thing to be so upset about."</p><p>Honesty tugged away from Patton's hug. "You always side with him, why is that?"</p><p>Patton looked surprised. "What? I don't always side with him, Mattie-"</p><p>"You're supposed to be MY friend. We're both light sides! And yet the two of you always leave me out of things!"</p><p>Patton frowned, crossing his arms. "I am your friend. And as your friend, I'm allowed to be critical of the stuff you do and say."</p><p>"If you were my friend, you wouldn't be insisting we keep the dark sides from Thomas!"</p><p>Patton slided his fingers under his glasses and rubbed his eyes, sitting down with a huff. "You don't even like the dark sides! Deceit and I agreed that while Thomas is still a little kid, it wouldn't be a great idea for us to introduce him to more adult topics."</p><p>"Don't tell me you like Deceit more than me! This is the same shit as with Oz! If your goals aligned with his, what would that say!?"</p><p>Patton was silent, sniffling a little. "I thought we agreed not to bring up Oz."</p><p>"Why, does it make you feel bad?" Honesty said with a mocking tone. "It was your fucking idea to kill him anyway!"</p><p>Patton clamped his hands over his ears. "Shut up shut up shut up! That's not true!"</p><p>"So you're just going to ignore me? Let Deceit do whatever the fuck he wants!?"</p><p>"I didn't say that! I-"</p><p>There was the sound of the door opening. Logan, who was a little younger than Janus, stood in the doorway. "I see I'm interrupting something. I'll go."</p><p>"You don't have to go, we're done talking," Honesty said, stomping into the kitchen.</p><p>Logan sighed. Honesty knew Logan didn't like him very much. A funny thing, really, as he never seemed to be in favour of lying when the situation came up- he just didn't like Honesty as a person. "Janus is here. Your yelling is pretty loud, and he didn't want to walk in on your argument. Should I tell him to come back later?"</p><p>Honesty took a deep breath, drank a glass of water, and shook his head. "Send him in please, Logic."</p><p>"Fine," he said, turning around and walking out of the room briskly. Logan was a lonely boy. Emile was two years younger than him and obsessed with cartoons, so he didn't really have many options of who to play with, especially as creativity was basically the other half of the brain from him. maybe it'd have been a good thing for him to play more with the dark sides, but... that just wasn't the way things were supposed to be.</p><p>Janus stalked in, his expression was defeated. "You're early," Patton said, forcing politeness into his tone.</p><p>Janus walked right up to Honesty, crossing his arms. "You're right."</p><p>Honesty sighed, smiling softly. "Of course I am. About what this time?"</p><p>"The boy. He's not Lust."</p><p>"Well then, glad that's settled. Bring him over."</p><p>Janus had paused for a long moment. "No." </p><p>It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. "No? What do mean, no? He's a light side, he should live with us."</p><p>"Honesty, he's happy. He enjoys playing with the other kids. What is he going to do over here, watch TV with Emile all day while the two of you bicker like an old married couple?"</p><p>"We don't bicker," Patton said, but both of the others wrinkled their noses at the lie.</p><p>"Deceit, that's not fair. We have an agreement."</p><p>"Fuck the agreement!" Janus nearly shouted. "You don't give a damn about them! You just want more numbers so that you can get everybody to expose darker concepts to Thomas, which he is not ready for. You are clearly an unstable individual, and you... you scare me, a little."</p><p>Honesty barked a laugh, he couldn't believe this."So what, you're just gonna lie to him? You snake!"</p><p>"If it's to protect him and the others from you, yeah!"</p><p>Honesty was clearly pissed. "You have got to be kidding me. Morality?" He whined, waiting for the other to agree with him.</p><p>Patton looked uncomfortable. "H, I don't know-"</p><p>Janus sighed. "I'm going home. It's late, the boys are probably hungry. Morality," he said, turning to the other side. "Please come over whenever you like. I do think it's best we postpone game nights, at least for a while."</p><p>He sunk down and was gone, right as Honesty threw a kitchen knife at the spot. Patton shrieked and began to chastise him, but Honesty didn't want to hear it. </p><p>He stormed to his room, flopping down on his bed and rubbing his eyes. "Don't cry don't fucking cry," he muttered, burying his face in the pillow. </p><p>Honesty knew he was a hopeless romantic. Why did he make the people he liked hate him? Deceit... fuck, he liked Deceit. Why did he have to like Deceit? He hated lying! Why couldn't he just fall in love with Patton or something? Best friends are much easier to be in love with than sworn enemies.</p><p>Deceit hated him. If he hadn't before, he sure as hell did now, especially after Honesty threw a kitchen knife at him. That wasn't... the best idea.</p><p>Honesty sat up, rubbing his eyes. If Janus wasn't going to agree, and Patton was basically useless... it was time he began getting them to agree with him. Deceit wasn't going to love him. He... he was okay with that. </p><p>Honesty laughed, sitting down at his cramped bedroom desk and grabbing some paper. Deceit wasn't going to love him. But maybe he could get the others too.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Vengeance From The Grave (part 2)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Part 2 of these scenes from before the banishment. Enjoy!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the man called Deceit had brought him home, his first impression wasn't great. Everything was really loud, and there were kids running everywhere.</p><p>Janus had cleared his throat. "Everybody!" He yelled, and they all looked over, seven sets of eyes settling on him. "A new side formed today. You guys better be nice to him."</p><p>Janus knelt down, smiling at him. "Do you want to say hello?" Lust shook his head, half hiding behind Janus from the others.</p><p>The oldest of the bunch, a man who seemed about Janus's age but much taller, bounded over, picking up Deceit like a rag-doll. "What's his name, double Dee?"</p><p>Deceit blushed, writhing out of the man's grasp and pretended to look annoyed. "I believe he's Lust."</p><p>One of the little boys whooped. "Then we have the whole set! 7!" He chanted. 5 other boys cheered, one of them silently staring him down. The introductions were overwhelming, to say the least. They were all pretty loud, but Lust was fairly sure he got the gist of it.</p><p>Pride was the tallest one of the kids, his eyes bright and excited like the older side, Remus. He was a clean freak, it seemed, as he refused to shake Lust's hand. Envy was the skinniest but undeniably the friendliest, and the other two were Greed and Gluttony, though they seemed like the type of kids who weren't excited about adding another friend to the group. One boy was wearing sunglasses, which was odd, as they were inside and it was late evening, and Lust was pretty sure he had called himself Sloth.</p><p>There was one more kid who didn't speak to him. He wore a black knee-length skirt and bright orange cowboy boots, an oversized leather jacket over an orange and black striped sweater wrapped around him tightly. He had glasses, but he kept them pressed up in his shiny hair.</p><p>After the fuss had died down and Remus and Deceit went to the kitchen- probably to make food- Lust approached the boy. "Hi."</p><p>"Hi," he said firmly, his tone mean.</p><p>"I'm Lust, I guess. Pride said you're wrath?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"Why are you wearing a skirt?"</p><p>"What, you have a problem with it?" The boy snapped, his iris's going bright orange.</p><p>"No! no, I... I think it's cool."</p><p>The boy's eyes went back to normal and he smiled softly, blushing with slight embarrassment. "Thanks."</p><p>"Can we be friends?" Lust asked.</p><p>Wrath looked him up and down. "No."</p><p>That was not the answer he expected. "Why not?" Lust asked, slightly hurt.</p><p>Sloth jumped in, wrapping an arm around Wrath, who seemed to get even more ticked off at the touch. "Oh don't mind him, he'll warm up to you. Come on, let's watch TV before dinner."</p><p>"Oh, okay." </p><p>The next week was pretty uneventful. Nero would growl at Lust pretty much every time he tried to get close to him, and it seemed like Sloth was the only one with the courage to get close to him. The others were pretty nice, if not a little pushy and rambunctious. </p><p>One day, a man Janus introduced as Morality showed up, and insisted on taking him and Remus, along with two sides that were called Logic and 'the other half of creativity' whatever that meant- out to lunch in the imagination, and the sins were left to their own activities.</p><p>Not ten minutes after they left, the man in silver appeared. "Deceit says we're not supposed to talk to you." Sloth said, looking nervous even behind his glasses.</p><p>Honesty scoffed. "Deceit's literally a liar. And anyway, it's not like I'm here with ill intentions. I just wanna hang out with you guys!" He said enthusiastically. </p><p>Wrath looked suspicious, his tone even spikier than usual. "You're not welcome here. If you don't leave, we'll call Deceit."</p><p>"What, and he's just gonna come running?" Honesty sat down on the sofa, flicking on the TV and handing it off to Pride. "You wanna pick something?"</p><p>Pride put on James and the Giant Peach, and the boys settled in to watch it. Sloth still looked uncomfortable. He grabbed Nero's hand, gestured for Lust to follow him, and they left the room. </p><p>Lust rose, but Honesty grabbed his arm lightly. "Hey, where are you going?"</p><p>"I... I w-wanted to go with them," he stuttered, looking at his shoes. </p><p>Honesty seemed dramatically hurt by that. "Aww, come sit down. Those two don't seem to like you anyway."</p><p>They don't? Lust's mind ran as he sat back down. Sloth always seemed nice to him- but he was nice to everyone. And it seemed like Nero hated him more than anyone else...</p><p>"Why don't they?"</p><p>Honesty seemed to have stopped paying attention. "Hmm?"</p><p>"Why don't you think that Wrath and Sloth like me? Or the rest of us?"</p><p>Honesty thought for a moment, slinging an arm around Lust's shoulder. "I think they respect Deceit to much."</p><p>"What's wrong with that? Dee's a great leader," Pride said defensively.</p><p>"He wants to keep you away from Thomas, you know. If he had it his way, you'd never meet him."</p><p>The boys seemed jarred by this. Deceit had said that when Thomas was a bit older, they could all meet him. But Deceit was Deceit... Honesty wouldn't lie to them, right? They continued to chat for a while until Wrath and Sloth reappeared at door.</p><p>"Why are you still here?!" Wrath demanded, his eyes orange. "You need to leave."</p><p>Honesty laughed. "That's an adorable little intimidation trick you've got going on with your eyes, kid. If you're trying to frighten the others, it's working."</p><p>Nero looked away. Sloth uncrossed his arms. "Fine, guess I know what to do." He snapped his fingers.</p><p>On the other side of the room suddenly stood Remus and Deceit, the creative side busy kissing him. A few of the sins giggled, and Greed mumbled eww. Deceit looked over, shoving Remus off him. "What's going- oh. Honesty."</p><p>"What's up, whore?" Honesty said, inspecting his nails.</p><p>"Watch your language in front of the children-" began Deceit.</p><p>"Nothin' much, how about you?" Remus said at the same time.</p><p>Honesty stifled a laugh. "I was just babysitting while ya'll were away."</p><p>Deceit's eyes raked the room. "You're babysitting... by leaving Emile unattended?"</p><p>"He can take care of himself-" </p><p>"He's only a few months older than Pride!" Janus hissed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Get. Out."</p><p>"Fine, fine. Remember boys, he's a liar!" Honesty distracted himself by blowing a kiss at Janus and had to duck quickly as Remus swung his mace at him. The light side quickly sunk out.</p><p>"Thank you for calling me, Sloth. How long was he here?"</p><p>"About 25 minutes," Sloth had said.</p><p>"And what's so wrong with that?" Greed asked, his expression tense on Deceit.</p><p>"Boys, Honesty can be a very fun person to be around, but you have to remember he's almost a grown-up. Grown-ups don't look to make friends with kids. And he doesn't always make safe or rational decisions, and it's my job to keep you all safe from that. If you're going to grow up and lead Thomas with his future, it's really important that you guys stay away from people who could hurt you."</p><p>Greed sighed and sat back down. Remus giggled, slinging an arm around Deceit. "Why don't you guys get back to your movie? Dee and I will go make dessert!"</p><p>Gluttony's eyes widened with excitement and he flicked back on the TV, but Lust's eyes stayed on Remus and Deceit. Lust couldn't quite explain the feeling- it was like he could feel the warmth from a warm fireplace, or a tight hug, or a sunny afternoon- radiating off the two of them.</p><p>They were in love, he realized with a start. He wasn't sure how he quite could feel it- obviously, he had seen them kiss, but this was different. Deceit seemed much less stiff with Remus, and Remus was more mellow. It was cute.</p><p>__________________________________________________________</p><p>Honesty came around every now and then for a few months, and Pride, Greed, Gluttony and Envy seemed to like him more and more. Sloth and Wrath rarely hung out with the rest of them, and occasionally they would try and pull Lust away with them, but Honesty always seemed to go out of his way to keep him there.</p><p>Honesty... made him uncomfortable. He was very affectionate, always having his arms around their shoulders or making them sit on his lap, and he was weirdly moody, seeming to frustrate easily and easily snapping back to cheery. Pride seemed... enamoured.</p><p>And it seemed that little by little, the more he came by, the meaner he was about Deceit. The things he was saying couldn't be true. Deceit didn't love them. He and Remus were bad people. So much... and the others seemed to eat it up. If Deceit was around he would kick Honesty out, but Wrath and Sloth made less of an effort to alert him. Pride and Wrath got in a fistfight one day after Wrath snitched, and made the latter lose two of his baby teeth, so he stopped trying.</p><p>One week, Deceit had the flu, and Patton had come over to help Remus out with the boys.</p><p>"This is fun!" Morality sing-songed, making sandwiches and cutting the crusts off. "I never have so many mouths to feed, you guys must have your work cut out for you!"<br/>Remus shook his head, pouring juice into a pitcher so it would be easier for the boys to get. "They're not difficult, most of the time. Well, they've been a bit mean to Double-Dee lately, but they're fairly well behaved."</p><p>"Why do you call him double-Dee?"</p><p>"huh?"</p><p>Morality finished putting the sandwiches on a plate. "Deceit. I've always wondered, there's only one D in his name."</p><p>"I think there's two in his pants- oh hi Lust!" Remus said, grinning, before turning to cough into his sleeve.</p><p>Morality sighed. "uh oh, you're sick too, huh?"</p><p>"What? I don't get sick," Remus said, yawning.</p><p>"Well, you should go rest. I'd hate for you to get the boys sick if you are. And check on Dee!" Morality shooed Remus out, and turned to Lust.</p><p>"Help me carry these to the table?"</p><p>"Alright."</p><p>Lust grabbed the pitcher of juice and some cups and made his way to the table. Only to find Honesty sitting there. "Care if I join you?"</p><p>"Yeah, we do. Fuck off." Wrath said, stomping into the kitchen, taking two sandwiches from the plate and returning to his room, not caring as Morality chastised his language. The other boys all came in, seeming excited that Honesty was joining them.</p><p>Honesty smiled at Morality, who waved and skipped off to bring lunch to Remus and Deceit, and turned to the boys.</p><p>"So... how would you guys like to meet Thomas?"</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Vengeance From The Grave (part 3)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hey gays, theys and baes! Here ya go! This is the last of the prequel kind of chapters for now.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-mentions of poisoning, I guess</p><p>READ THE NOTES PLEASE</p>
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    <p>"We can meet Thomas?!" Pride grinned, his expression overjoyed.</p><p>"Of course. You're sides, it's your job."</p><p>"What about Dee? Or the Duke?" Greed asked, a little wary.</p><p>Honesty chuckled. "They shouldn't be interfering."</p><p>That... didn't sit right with Envy or Lust. Hell, none of them had ever been sick before, so the two older sides getting sick had been worrisome. "Are we going? Right now?" Gluttony asked.</p><p>"Yes, if we're to get you to see him, then we'd better hurry. You five can't sink down or teleport yet, can you?" Honesty asked.</p><p>"Pride can a little, we're still learning," Envy said.</p><p>Honesty rolled his eyes. "Great. Guess we'll have to go through the central  commons then."</p><p>"The what?"</p><p>Honesty waved them up from the table and be began to lead them down the hallway. "The common area, or whatever you want to call it, is where we all used to live together before we split up."</p><p>Why were there so many hallways, Lust often wondered. He didn't know where the vast majority of them went to even as an adult, but as a child, it was a staggering maze.</p><p>When they arrived in the common room, Honesty groaned. "God damn it." Lust pushed forward a little and saw what was up ahead.</p><p>Patton, Roman, and Logan stood to one side of the couch, Wrath, Emile, and Sloth sitting on the floor. Deceit looked worse for wear, and Remus not too much better. "So. Honesty."</p><p>"Deceit."</p><p>"You know, I have to hand it to you, Honesty. Sneaking antifreeze into my food was pretty creative, seeing as none of us owns a car."</p><p>Honesty smiled, but there was nothing behind the eyes. "Well if it's any consolation, I didn't intend to kill you."</p><p>"We were curious, as to what you were intending to do. Every time you snuck to see the sins, we knew you were planning something nefarious, but this... this is absurd. Thomas simply isn't ready to be introduced to more sides." Logan said, his expression stiff as ever. Honesty rolled his eyes.</p><p>"Morality, come on. You and I both know nothing good comes from keeping secrets. I mean you remember what happened to-"</p><p>"Shut up!" Patton shrieked, rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry Honesty, I really am, but... they're right. You're going to hurt Thomas."</p><p>Honesty's fake cheer shattered like porcelain against concrete. "You bastard. You really don't care about me, do you?"</p><p>Patton sniffled, and Logan awkwardly wrapped an arm around his shoulder. The sins stood awkwardly, waiting for some instruction. Honesty sighed, rolling his shoulders back. "You know, this doesn't have to be this difficult. As I said, Deceit, I'd have preferred you not to die."</p><p>His movements were startlingly quick. Honesty raised his arms above his head and swung, summoning a sword as the came down. Remus brought up his mace just in time, and the weapons clashed less than a foot from Janus's face. Honesty continued to press down. "Boys, this is your chance. Go through the door behind the sofa!"</p><p>The sins were afraid. They knew they were in trouble. At this point, how much worse would it be to just go ahead?</p><p>Pride lead the boys toward the side of the sofa, hoping the others were too distracted with Honesty trying to skewer Deceit to notice them. </p><p>Wrath stood in their way, Sloth beside him. "You filthy traitors!" Pride spat. "Let us through! We deserve to meet Thomas!"</p><p>Wrath's eyes, which had already been orange, brightened. "We're the traitors?! You're going to hurt Thomas's mental health!"</p><p>"You're abandoning your family!" Greed hissed.</p><p>"Our family?! Your leader is trying to kill Deceit, and he actually cares about us!"</p><p>"He's a liar, Honesty says so!"</p><p>Wrath rolled his eyes at this. "You're not getting through."</p><p>"What, do you need to lose more teeth?" Pride laughed to himself, swinging his arm forward to punch Nero, the smaller boy mirroring the movement.</p><p>Lust wasn't sure what pushed him to do it. He had never liked seeing his brothers hurt each other, or get hurt. And so he jumped between them, shielding the others. "Guys stop! Please!"</p><p>Wrath scoffed. "Awww what, you're gonna play the mitigator now? Get away, Lust."</p><p>"Lust, move," Pride encouraged firmly, trying to push him to the side. </p><p>"Guys just look!" Lust shouted, waving to Honesty.</p><p>Remus and Roman had quickly overwhelmed him, Roman's sword pressed against Honesty's chest to pin him to the ground, his own weapon scattered. The fight was over as quickly as it had begun.</p><p>The next half hour was a blur. Honesty was tied up and sat at the table, and the sins sat on the floor in the corner. The other older sides stood around anxiously.</p><p>"Well, obviously he has to go!" Deceit demanded, waving to Honesty. He looked faint, really, still clearly sick and wanting to be in bed, but the situation was dire.</p><p>Patton looked meek. "But-"</p><p>"He's tried to hurt Thomas, he's hurt my boys, he-"</p><p>Patton interrupted him. "Dee, I get that you're upset. You're right, keeping Honesty in a position with access to Thomas isn't smart."</p><p>Remus grinned, flapping his hands with excitement. "Okay, that's settled. We can feed him to piranhas, I don't think they'd be hard for me to make!"</p><p>"We can't just kill him, doofus," Roman muttered, slapping the back of Remus's head. "We could imprison him in the imagination, though. He can't hurt us or Thomas from there."</p><p>Deceit nodded, preparing to stand. "Well then, with this out of the way and no opposition, I'm going to bed."</p><p>"I object!" Honesty hissed.</p><p>"You don't count," Logan, Roman, Remus, and Deceit all said at the same time. Remus laughed.</p><p>"Wait! What about the boys?" Patton asked.</p><p>Janus shrugged, adjusting his hat. "What about the boys? We're going home, I'm going to summon McDonald's or something since I don't want to cook, and we'll have a little chat in the morning about their behaviour."</p><p>Patton smiled with his fake sweetness, deciding to press the issue. "They wanted to hurt Thomas."</p><p>"Honesty wanted to hurt Thomas. They're just kids, Morality. I'm not going to discuss this further."</p><p>Logan frowned. "Deceit, I do think Patton has a point here. They had every intention of seeing Thomas, by whatever means necessary. They know well enough why overexposure to more adult topics, like the sins his catholic upbringing has deemed important enough to besides, can be bad for Thomas."</p><p>Patton tilted his head to the side. "So Dee, maybe we should banish the boys as well."</p><p>The sin's eyes went to Janus, filled with some alarm. Deceit seemed baffled, his emotion and illness making it difficult for him to voice his opinions. "Absolutely not! You can't take my boys! I-"</p><p>"You what? You don't like the idea of children having consequences? And I thought you were a good parent..." Patton said, his voice filled with that honey-sweet fake regret.</p><p>Remus glared. "Guys, if ya did banish them... what are they gonna do? They're kids. They need a parent. Or multiple." His voice was firmer than usual.</p><p>Roman chuckled under his breath. "Well they all seem to like Honesty more than ya'll, I think it would be best to house the traitors together! It'd be easier to keep an eye on them." </p><p>"Morality we had this discussion when Lust arrived, and we determined that Honesty was not a fit parent!"</p><p>"More like you determined..." Said Honesty from his seat, shimmying a little in his ropes.</p><p>"I cannot believe we're having this discussion!" Deceit said, rolling his eyes. "You know what? Fine, you guys think it'd be so smart to have Honesty parent five boys let's ask the actual child he's currently living with. Emile, is Honesty a good parent?"</p><p>Emile looked up from where he was sitting with Nero and Sloth, and suddenly seemed very uncomfortable. "I... uhm..."</p><p>"You don't have to answer that," Honesty said smoothly, and Emile stopped talking immediately.</p><p>"That's not suspicious at all," Janus scoffed.</p><p>Patton slammed his hand down on the table to stop the twins, Janus, and Logan from beginning to bicker. "Enough! Honesty and I have been friends for years! He is not a child abuser, and he would never hurt those boys! Deceit, I know we've had our differences, but can't you agree that you might be biased since you're A. their current guardian and B., Honesty's opposite? I think it's pretty rude of you to make such harsh judgements of his character when you've spent so little time around him."</p><p>Deceit was quiet for a moment, but only because he seemed to think Patton's argument was so stupid he didn't know where to go from it. "I lived with you two for about four months after I formed before you threw me out for having a different world view, I can judge his character just fine."</p><p>"Throwing you out was pretty nice of us considering what happened to O-"</p><p>"Shut up, Honesty!" Patton screeched, slamming his hand on the table again. "Why don't we vote, hmm?"</p><p>Logan nodded. "That sounds like a great idea, Morality."</p><p>Remus looked around the table for a moment. "We'll lose, 3-2. That's not fair, we should allow Wrath, Sloth, and Emile to vote too."</p><p>Logan frowned. "Then we'd likely lose or tie."</p><p>"Sounds like a you problem," Remus hissed.</p><p>Roman cleared his throat and stood up. "Kids don't vote. Those in favour of the five treasonous deadly sins being banished to the imagination, raise your hands!"</p><p>3-2. Patton smiled. "Sorry Dee, it's safer this way."</p><p>"Fuck you, Morality." Deceit and the duke said in unison. Remus went and took the hands of Sloth and Wrath and sunk down, but Deceit lingered.</p><p>Most of them couldn't look him in the eye, couldn't bear to face the look of disappointment they were sure he wore. Lust found himself glancing up, forcing himself to make eye contact.</p><p>It wasn't disappointment. Just worry. He strode over to them slowly, the other side all busy talking to each other. Janus knelt in front of them, snapping his fingers to gather their attention. "Don't look like that boys, it'll be okay, I promise. I don't like Honesty, but I know he'll take care of you. While I'm not proud of the decisions you made, I want you to know that I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you. I'm just sorry I didn't do better." </p><p>He gave them a soft half-smile and stood, sinking down, glad for his ability to lie so easily. While the second part was true... he couldn't imagine that everything would be okay for them.</p><p>_____________________________________________________</p><p>Virgil couldn't describe what it was like to suddenly exist. It was like when you're nearly asleep and experience the jolt of a fall. There was suddenly light, sound, motion, thoughts... it was terrifying, to say the least.</p><p>He stood for a few moments before two people emerged from a door.</p><p>One of them had big glasses and a cheery smile, and one of them was dressed in all dark clothes, half his face covered with... scales? That was... kinda cool, he thought.</p><p>"Hiya kiddo! I'm Morality!"</p><p>"I'm Deceit," said the other politely, his voice tired.</p><p>"We're gonna figure out where the best place for you to live is!"</p><p>"How are you gonna do that? Will it hurt?" Virgil had asked carefully, his expression like a deer in the headlights.</p><p>"Not at all. See, we're all little pieces of one person, his name is Thomas. Our job is to guide and protect him through his life, and we each have a speciality, that's where we get our names. Sometimes sides know who they are when they appear, most of the time, they don't, and we get to help you figure that out." Virgil liked how Deceit didn't use baby talk with him. </p><p>Patton looked at Deceit curiously. "I've never met somebody who knew. Which one knew?"</p><p>"Pride, he was immediately and very sure of his function," Deceit said dismissively as if the question pained him. "Now, you don't happen to know who you are, do you?"</p><p>"It's fine if you don't!" chimed in Patton. </p><p>"I'm really sorry, I don't. I don't wanna make things harder for you guys, we just met, and I really don't want to make you hate me, and I feel like I should know, but I don't-" Virgil began to panic, his chest tightening.</p><p>"...Caution?" Patton suggested. "Maybe vigilance?"</p><p>Deceit knelt beside Virgil, carefully offering his hand in case Virgil wanted something to ground him. Virgil immediately took it. "I'm sorry, you did want me to take your hand, right? That was stupid, and you're wearing gloves, I don't want to make you uncomfortable-"</p><p>Patton sighed. "Fear. Paranoia."</p><p>Deceit smiled at Virgil. "Are you okay with being called Paranoia for now? Your name doesn't have to be permanent, you can change it whenever you like."</p><p>"Yeah, Paranoia sounds okay." Deceit stood.</p><p>Patton nodded, turning around and walking toward the door. "We on for the game night, Dee?"</p><p>"Of course! Hold your breath 'till I call to schedule."</p><p>Virgil giggled, and Deceit leads him down the halls. "Are there a lot of you?"</p><p>"We call ourselves sides, and yes. I'll be introducing you to three others."</p><p>And Virgil was excited! Nervous, but excited! He couldn't ignore the heavy feeling of worry around Deceit though. His mind seemed a million miles away from their conversation.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Now I get ya'll are sitting here like "Patton are you really insisting Honesty would never hurt the sins? Really?"</p><p>I don't know if this is totally clear or not, but Patton 100% believes that Honesty would never be a child abuser, he's not lying to Janus or trying to cover for Honesty. He just kinda sucks, lol (in this fic, I love cannon Patton dearly)</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. I'll Follow You Way Down To Your Deepest Low</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>heyo! Finally back to Remy and Emile! I'm gonna try and get another chapter up tonight- it was going to be a part of this one but I realized it was getting pretty long.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-breakdowns<br/>-sexual innuendo, blink and you'll miss it lol<br/>-gore mention</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remy's head fucking hurt. He opened his eyes slowly and found himself alone in a very dim room. There were a few windows on the wall near the ceiling, but they were too narrow and dusty to be useful. And when he moved... oh, so he was shackled by the ankle to the bed. Great.</p><p>Emile sat on the bottom of a staircase in the corner, picking his nails. "Oh yay! You're awake. I'm sorry, please don't be mad."</p><p>"Em, what the hell is going on?" Remy croaked, realising his throat was very dry. Emile summoned a glass of water and handed it to him.</p><p>"I said I was sorry. I don't quite know what to do with you. If I let you go you'll tell the others..."</p><p>Remy sighed. "Babes, I want to take care of you. You are the most important person in my life, and I can see you're hurting. I don't know what the hell is going on, but you need to let me go so I can help you."</p><p>Emile looked around the room. Emile's bedroom was down a small staircase from his office; Remy had been here plenty of times. Never when it was this dirty, though. "But if you take him away I can't... I can't keep an eye on him."</p><p>"What are you... are you talking about Honesty? Sweetie, he's dead as a doorknob..."</p><p>Emile shook his head quickly. "No no, he's still hurting everybody. If he's unsupervised he'll go do bad things, that's why I have to keep watch on him all the time. Speaking of which-" Emile suddenly scrambled up the stairs. He was gone for about fifteen seconds before returning to his seat on the steps, a satisfied look on his face.</p><p>"Emile, I am not a licensed psychiatrist or whatever, but... you sound incredibly paranoid. You look really sick, and I need to be free so that I can do something about this."</p><p>Emile debated this for a long moment. "He could wake up. Any minute. Oz did, you know, DW didn't even have to do all that potion stuff. Thomas was just so messed up that the sheer force of it yanked him back. I am so bad at the job that I somehow reversed death, Remy."</p><p>Remy sighed. "Would it be okay if I summoned Logan... maybe Virgil... here to talk to you? We need to come up with a better way to ease this compulsion to check that Honesty is dead than to, you know, keep his rotting carcass on your couch."</p><p>Emile nodded slowly as if he understood this was reasonable but didn't like the truth much, his episode seeming to wind down a little. "I'm sorry. You still love me, right? I... I get it if you don't."</p><p>"Babes I wouldn't be offering to help if I didn't, this is a pretty big test of faith. You do owe me coffee and flowers later for knocking me out."</p><p>Emile nodded and snapped his fingers. Remy stood quickly and raced toward the stairs. For a split second, Emile worried he would sprint past him and run into the hallway to shout his mistakes to the world, but instead, Remy scooped him up, and the two of them sunk into the bathroom.</p><p>Most of the time, the bathroom in the hallway was empty, as every room had its own, but Remy was struck with surprise when he saw the king, washing Oz's hair, who was sobbing.</p><p>"Is this a bad time..."</p><p>"....yeah..." the king said.</p><p>Remy sunk down again, this time to his own room's bathroom. "What are we doing?"</p><p>"You smell like decay and look like crap, you're getting a bath."</p><p>"What about-"</p><p>"I will go check on it as often as you ask, okay? You trust me?"</p><p>Emile nodded slowly and took off his top, not seeming to want to go further. Sure Remy had seen it all before, but Emile seemed to feel grossed out by himself.</p><p>Remy pulled off his leather jacket and tossed it on the floor, not seeming to care as some of the splashes from the shower stream hit it. He took off his sunglasses, pushing them up into his hair, and set to work, washing the grime off of his boyfriend's skin. There was grave dirt caked under his nails and on his wrists which took a little bit of time, but they managed to get through it with little hassle, Emile only asking him to go 'make sure Honesty was still dead' three times.</p><p>Remy wrapped a towel around his boyfriend and hugged him. Emile stood there, stiff and silent, for a while, before beginning to cry. "Rem..."</p><p>"It's okay, baby. Let's get you into some pyjamas, okay? Can I snap you into clean clothes?"</p><p>Emile nodded, rubbing away his tears desperately as more streamed down his cheeks. Remy snapped him into a pair of Steven Universe pyjama pants covered in pictures of Lion, and a plain white tee-shirt, and sunk them both to bed.</p><p>Emile's crying grew louder. Remy carefully wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders, pulling him into a hug. "R-Remy I'm sorry-"</p><p>"shhhhh," the former sin soothed, smiling softly. "Emile, I need you to rest for a bit, okay?"</p><p>Emile shook his head, burying his face in Remy's chest. "but what if he-"</p><p>"As soon as I leave you to rest, I'll get Logan and somebody to help me come up with a solution. But right now, you look like you're about to pass out."</p><p>Emile pulled away, shaking his head again, much more frantically this time. "I can't, it... it hurts-"</p><p>"What hurts, babes?"</p><p>Emile gripped his head, pushing his hands over his ears. "I don't know... my soul or something? Everyone is in so much pain, Remy, I can't stand it..."</p><p>Remy exhaled uncomfortably. He knew what he had to do, but Emile had made a boundary when they began dating that Remy was not allowed to put him to sleep... but what was he supposed to do here? He looked over at Emile, who seemed to be on the verge of a panic attack. Guilt washed over him. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled, barely catching Emile's attention as he touched two fingers to his boyfriend's temple. </p><p>Emile went out like a light, and Remy gracefully laid him in the bed, carefully pulling the blankets over him, and stood back, biting his nails. Finally, he had a moment to think.</p><p>Remy didn't spend a lot of time just... thinking. He didn't enjoy being in his own head, but now he needed to figure out what to do with the corpse laying on the sofa in his boyfriend's office, and the clear problem with his boyfriend.</p><p>_____________________________</p><p>Logan was sitting at his desk working on a schedule for Thomas's trip when he felt the tug of a summon. He didn't like being summoned by the other sides- what, they couldn't be bothered to text him? But sighed, closing the planner, and went where he was summoned.</p><p>"Don't freak out!" Remy insisted the second he arrived. Not a good sign.</p><p>"Sleep, what is the meaning of this? Also, where have you been, you didn't do your job last night-"</p><p>Remy looked worse for wear, but he ignored Logan's questions. "So we have a bit of a problem."</p><p>"What kind of problem?" Logan asked. He wished Remy would get to the point. This seemed like a waste of his time.</p><p>"So Uhm, you know how Thomas was kinda depressed enough that it literally brought Oz back to life?"</p><p>"Yes, I've been attempting to study it to no avail," Logan said. He really hoped this wasn't going where he thought it was going.</p><p>"So Emile has been... Uhm... pretty worried about that happening with Honesty, and... he Uhh... decided to keep an eye on Honesty for us."</p><p>"What the fuck." Logan said in a monotone, massaging the bridge of his nose under his glasses. "Remy where's Emile?"</p><p>"Asleep in my room."</p><p>Logan turned to go down the hallway towards Remy's room, but the side grabbed his arm. "Why didn't you call me earlier?"</p><p>"I was knocked unconscious earlier! Gurl come on, I need you to help me deal with the body."</p><p>"He dug him up?!" Logan scoffed, spinning around. Logan bit his lip, thinking for a moment. "This household I swear... let's see him, then."</p><p>Remy pulled his shirt up over his nose and entered the room. Logan made gagging noises as Remy flipped on the lights, but was silent. He looked at Remy, his eyes filled with... excitement?</p><p>"I haven't been able to study decomposition in forever! Remus would love this..." Logan said, summoning a notebook and pen.</p><p>Remy sighed. Of course, Logan would be intrigued. "Lo, we have more important things to worry about here. Emile is definitely sick, but he does raise a good point. How do we keep him from coming back?"</p><p>Logan turned to him, nodding. "We'll need to conduct some experiments. When a side returns from the subconscious, do they have a new body or are they retaking the one they were previously in? I'd like to ask Patton where he and Honesty put Oz's body when they killed him- it was about 20 years ago, but reasonably there would be a skeleton, and Oz would serve as the best example of what Honesty theoretically returning would do-" Logan rambled, smiling.</p><p>Remy rolled his eyes. Only Logan or Remus could be excited over a corpse. Logan seemed... happier lately. He wondered why. Logan was silent, and Remy realized he'd been asked a question.</p><p>"So you said you were unconscious?" Logan repeated.</p><p>"Yeah, I went to check on Em and he freaked out when I freaked out over Honesty. We're cool though."</p><p>Logan tipped his head to the side. "Huh. I don't intend to pry, but finding a corpse on your boyfriend's sofa didn't put a damper on your relationship?"</p><p>Remy sighed, leading Logan out of the room. "Nah. I mean, Emile tries so hard, and I know he's hurting. I'm not an easy bitch to work with but come on. I don't deserve him on his best days if I can't handle his worst days."</p><p>Remy summoned himself a Starbucks, taking a sip. "And anyway, I fully intend to marry him sooner rather than later, it's not like one dead guy can keep me from that."</p><p>Logan was surprised by this. He snapped his fingers and the notebook was gone. He closed the door to Emile's office and locked it. "You're going to marry him?"</p><p>Remy nodded, blushing a little. "Sure am. I'll ask after we deal with-" Remy waved at the door. "- that of course.</p><p>Janus came around the corner then, looking concerned. "Have you seen Oz? Apathy told me he was around here looking sick..."</p><p>Logan began to tell him, no, but Remy nodded. "Yeah, I saw the king with him in the bathroom down the hall. Neither of them seemed to be havin' a good time."</p><p>Janus expression grew even more worried. Logan turned to Remy. "Why don't you go check on Emile, and I'll text you about the...err... situation later, okay?"</p><p>Janus pulled Logan off down the hallway, leaving Remy alone. Damn, he was tired. And his head hurt where he was hit. He should've asked Logan what concussion symptoms were.</p><p>Yeah, Emile definitely owed him flowers when all this was over.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. I've Been Alone So Long, I Feel Like I'm On The Run</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I'm an idiot. I published this to You're The One That I Want first. Big brain moment- everything's fixed now (I think) lol. Anyway sorry, I meant to publish this last night, but I was sleepy. (: Also I'm really excited about this chapter, so you should read the notes!</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-wearing somebody down until they agree is not consent, kids<br/>-illness (vomiting)<br/>-the king is an idiot but he means well<br/>-panic attacks</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oz could barely take a breath. His body hurt like something was pushing from the inside of his skin to escape. "Picani, please," he begged, knocking for who knows how many times on the door. "I need to see you. This is urgent!"</p><p>The side slumped against the wall beside the door, shuddering. He'd felt sick all day. Jeeze, he hadn't even been able to make it to breakfast- why had nobody come to check on him? And now he was struck with feverish delirium, panic coursing through his veins.</p><p>He knew what was wrong with him. Thomas was... depressed. Of course, he was, he was a nervous wreck about the date- cation at the end of the week, his work hadn't been going too well lately- chalk it up to king creativity, who seemed to struggle with even the most basic ideas. And on top of that, Thomas hadn't slept a wink last night. Where the hell was Remy and Emile?</p><p>Oz was a filter, of sorts, of the depressive ache and thoughts that went to Thomas, the thoughts, the pain- much like Remus to his intrusive thoughts, or Virgil to his Anxiety. And today, of all days, he was struggling to hold it back. Comes with being stronger, he supposed.</p><p>"Hey Oz, do you want lunch? Dad made sandwiches and asked me to ask you if you wanted one since you weren't at breakfast."</p><p>Oz looked up to see Apathy standing there. It was funny how all of the other sides seemed to feel better; calmer around Apathy. Oz had never felt that way. If anything, it was much worse.</p><p>"Y-yeah, tell him to put it in the fridge for me?"</p><p>"Okay, I will. You look sick," Apathy said bluntly.</p><p>"I am kind of. I'm a mental illness."</p><p>Apathy didn't seem to know how to respond to that and stood quietly for a moment. God, Oz wished he would leave.</p><p>"Should I go get somebody to help you?"</p><p>"thanks but no," Oz mumbled, his vision darkening.</p><p>"I'm going to get my dad," Apathy decided, turning around and running off. It made Oz feel a little better than he was gone, but he still blacked out.</p><p>"Ugh, Patton will throw a huge fit if he finds this out. But I think it'd be the opposite of chivalrous for me to leave you here..." Said the voice of a side, cutting through the haze in his brain. And suddenly he was in the bathroom, throwing up into the toilet bowl. Somebody was holding his hair back. That was nice, it made it a bit easier for him to breathe.</p><p>Oz had never been sick in his life. This was fucking terrifying. He felt like he was dying. Gods, of course, he was dying. Oz fell back from the toilet against whoever was holding him, feeling his breathing grow rapid.</p><p>"Oh dear, you're all sweaty and covered in vomit... we should clean you up, poor thing." Said- oh, it was the king, he realized- picking Oz up and setting him in the bathtub. He felt hands begin to pull off his scarf and he screamed.</p><p>"Ozzy comes on, it's so dirty! You must let me take it off to clean-"</p><p>Oz couldn't form words. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see anything through his teary eyes. He weakly clung to the scarf, sobbing as it was taken off of him and put away. Oz's hands flew to his neck, and he screamed again as his fingers came in contact with the ever so slightly swollen and bruised handprints that remained there, unhealed after all these years.</p><p>Hands touched the hem of his tanktop next, and Oz panicked, trying to shove the king away. "Stop it!" He begged his throat filled with the acidic bile from vomiting, making him hoarse. He wrestled the king over the shirt for a minute, the two of them yelling at each other before the king sat back with a huff.</p><p>"For Pete's sake, I'm trying to help you! You can't just lay half-dead in the hallway and then throw a big fit when I try and clean the vomit off you, that's ridiculous!" The king snapped his fingers, and Oz was wearing swim trunks. Just swim trunks. Oz's hands flew up to his chest, curling in on himself to hide his chest and cup his hands around his neck, sobbing quietly.</p><p>"What the hell are you doing-" The king muttered, but didn't comment further. He washed some of the sweat and vomit out of Oz's bangs and hands, but since Oz refused to allow him access to the front of his torso or neck, he would have to leave it be.</p><p>Oz thought he heard the king exchanging words with someone, but the warm water made it difficult to hear, and his own exhaustion at fighting with the king and his weakness made it feel like curtains were closing over his eyes. Oz fought against the unconsciousness as much as he could, his terror and fast heartbeat helping somewhat.</p><p>The king shut off the water just as there was a sharp knock on the door. "Who's in there? Oz, is that you? Apathy said you looked sick."</p><p>The king summoned a towel. "Yes, Oz and I are in here. He threw up, and I helped clean him up. He was really difficult though."</p><p>There was a second of silence. "King, let us in," came another voice, filled with concern. The king draped the towel over Oz's shoulders and opened the door, allowing Logan and Janus into the room.</p><p>It suddenly felt way too cramped. Oz's head spun, and just as he thought he was tuckered out from sobbing, he broke down again.</p><p>Janus shoved past the king, kneeling on the floor next to the bathtub. "Hey Ozzy, can you try and match my breathing?"</p><p>He extended a gloved hand to Oz, who longed to take it but couldn't take his hands off his neck or sit up and show his chest.</p><p>Oz did his best to match Janus's breathing, and he didn't think he was doing all that well, but the side kept encouraging him. Logan pulled the king out of the bathroom to chat in the hallway, and Oz instantly felt more at ease.</p><p>"t-thank you," he whispered, his body aching and growing cold from being wet.</p><p>"Of course. You're pretty sick, aren't you?"</p><p>Oz nodded.</p><p>"Is that why you were having a panic attack?"</p><p>Oz shrugged. Janus gave him a soft, patient smile. "He... he took my scarf. And... and my shirt. And... and..."</p><p>Oz couldn't look Janus in the eye. "And my binder."</p><p>He glanced up to see the deceitful side's face. There was a flash of surprise, but it quickly went away. "I see. Is that why you were fighting with the king?"</p><p>Oz nodded carefully. "He was trying to be helpful. B-but he wouldn't leave me alone," he said sleepily, the inflexion of his voice childish.</p><p>Janus sighed. "Alright. Can I get you into pyjamas? I'll get you a scarf as well if you like."</p><p>Oz shuddered, slipping a little and he hurried to try and get out of the bathtub, vomiting into the toilet again. Janus put a hand on Oz's back, the older side melting into the touch. His stomach empty, he sat back up. Janus wiped the string of spit on his chin off gently and snapped him into a pair of black plaid pyjamas, a matching scarf around his neck.</p><p>Oz sighed shakily with relief, bringing his hands down from his neck and hugging himself. Janus gently towel-dried Oz's hair and then had him brush his teeth so the taste of vomit would go away. At some point after this, Oz fainted. Just his luck.</p><p>He woke up in Deceit's bed, up to his chin in blankets. And of course, Patton was sitting there.</p><p>"What the heck are you doing here? I told you to stay out of the dark side," Oz groaned, trying to sit up a little.</p><p>Patton tsked, handing him a drink. Seeing Oz's hesitancy, he rolled his eyes. "It's just apple juice, jeez. Scout's honour," he said, holding up a few fingers in salute. Oz hesitantly took a sip. It seemed to be just apple juice.</p><p>"What do you want?"</p><p>"Plenty of things, but I wanted to talk to you," Patton said, smiling. It seemed genuine. Like, truly kind. It was odd, to say the least. "King said you were sick, and I wanted to see you."</p><p>"If Jan finds you in here he'll kick your-."</p><p> Patton groaned, throwing his hands up defensively. "Oh come on, It's not like I have bad intentions. King said you were a mess. Kinda makes your threat to murder all of us less intimidating."</p><p>"You know I still would," Oz said before beginning to dry heave a little.</p><p>"I don't doubt you would, Oizys. But it wouldn't be by your hands. You're going to kill Thomas, aren't you?"</p><p>Oz was silent. Nobody ever used his full name. But such a dark conversation certainly called for it. There were a million expressions on his face at once, he seemed hurt, guilty, tired, sick... "I never want to hurt Thomas... I can't help it, Pat."</p><p>Patton smiled at him fondly. "You're so handsome, you know that? I miss you so much. Can I have a kiss?"</p><p>"I'm surprised you're asking."</p><p>Patton seemed hurt by this. "That's rude! Of course, I'd ask, I'm not a rapist or anything."</p><p>"Your best buddy was one and tried to rape me disguised as you, I think it's fair for me to have my distrust."</p><p>There was silence between the two of them. "So I can't have the kiss?"</p><p>"Get out."</p><p>"Please?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Come on, didn't you love me once upon a time? Just one?"</p><p>Oz didn't know what to say. He'd been clear, right? But damn it he was tired, he didn't have the energy to fight Patton on this right now. "...fine."</p><p>Patton seemed genuinely surprised he'd been successful in wearing Oz down. He leaned forward and gently kissed Oz, clearly smiling. Oz pinched his eyes shut. Pretend it's Nero pretend it's Nero pretend it's-</p><p>"What the hell is going on here?" Came a voice from the door, and Patton pulled away. Janus stood there, staring daggers at Morality.</p><p>"I was just checking in! Nice to see he's awake, King had me worried. How's Apathy, by the way, the king was wondering? It's not very nice to keep him away from his son-" Patton rambled, but as Janus stepped forward quickly, seeming to prepare to shove him out of the room, Patton quickly sunk out.</p><p>Janus quickly came to sit beside him. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"</p><p>"No. I just woke up anyways, he was only talking to me for a couple of minutes."</p><p>The younger side nodded. "Good. How are you feeling?"</p><p>"Awful," Oz said with a laugh. "Thanks though."</p><p>Janus's expression was filled with pity. "Do you want some tea?"</p><p>"Yes please."</p><p>Janus summoned two mugs, and the two of them drank in silence for a moment. "So, do you have any idea why you're sick?"</p><p>Oz shrugged. "Yeah kinda. You know how Virgil and Remus are kind of... filters for Thomas's thoughts? Well, I'm really feeling the effects of it. Thomas is... he's doing really bad, Jan."</p><p>Janus nodded. "I know he is. I don't know what to do to help him... or anybody at this point... everybody seems to be so sick and upset all the time. We haven't always been such a mess you know, we used to do music videos for Thomas's channel."</p><p>Oz sighed, looking around the bedroom. He'd been in there a few times before, but it was now he could really look at it. It was immaculately tidy, seeming well dusted and vacuumed, not a thing out of place- much different than how it had looked a little over a week before when Janus was spending half his time black-out drunk and the rest of it crying.</p><p>There were a couple of photos framed on the nightstand, of Apathy, an older one of Virgil, Remy and Nero- and one overturned. Oz reached out and lifted it up. It looked like a wedding photo- a man with a moustache in a grey and pastel green suit was holding Janus bridal style, the two of them laughing.</p><p>"That's Apathy's dad, right?" Oz asked. He couldn't remember all that well- he knew the creativities were twins, but he had only seen them separated from the king once.</p><p>Janus looked a little uncomfortable. "No, that's my husband, Remus."</p><p>Oz blushed. "O-oh, I'm sorry-"</p><p>"Don't be, it's not like you really knew. Apathy's father is Roman, the other half of creativity. we weren't... I wasn't..." Janus stumbled over his words a little, unsure quite what to say. "He drugged me." That was what he arrived at.</p><p>The two of them sat in uncomfortable silence. "So... kinda surprised you didn't say anything about me being trans."</p><p>Janus shrugged, looking down and wiping a flick of dirt off his gloves. "I really didn't think it was my business. The others don't know, so it's not like I have the right to tell them. That and I didn't want you to be uncomfortable."</p><p>When Janus looked back up, he saw Oz was crying. "What's wrong?"</p><p>Oz tried to rub some of the tears away, coughing a little into the sleeve of his shirt. "I think I'm just sick and over emotional right now... but you're so... nice. We're so lucky to have you, Jan. Really."</p><p>Janus blushed, patted Oz on the shoulder, and stood. "Thanks. I should probably leave you to rest a bit."</p><p>Janus walked to the door. "Janus?"</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"I'm sure he'll be back at some point. Remus won't be gone forever."</p><p>Janus scrunched his nose. half-truth. Oz seemed to want to believe it, but how could he know? "Thanks, man. Get some rest."</p><p>Janus slipped out of the room and leaned against the door, taking a deep breath. He pulled Remus's sash out of his pocket and stared at it. It hurt to look at, but he also couldn't help but keep it with him. His heart ached. Remus had been alone for a year, and Janus felt this bad after a couple of weeks?</p><p>He needed to do something about this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yay! So Oz is trans. I alluded to it with his name (Oizys is a Greek goddess) but anyway, I'm just really happy I finally put it in.<br/>On the subject of names- yes Honesty is also named after a goddess (Maat) but we're gonna ignore that cause it's not plot-important. <br/>"Potato, why are you ranting about names?"</p><p>(: You'll see next time :)</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Cutting My Mind Off</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>PLEASE READ THE CHAPTER WARNINGS also I am so sorry I left this off on a cliffhanger but you know me by now I'm not one for killing characters for good so don't worry too much (:</p><p> </p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-smoking and substance abuse<br/>-mentions/minor descriptions of child abuse<br/>-Suicide</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What do you mean, you're not Lust? Dude-"</p><p>Lust took a deep breath, pushing himself to his feet. "Look. They... they all lied to me, Virgil. They knew. They fucking knew!" He didn't intend to be shouting, but he was... he was furious.</p><p>Virgil picked up the notebook, skimming through it. The first few pages were something of a preamble, Honesty ranting about his frustration with Janus and his anger that Patton wasn't on his side regarding some argument they were having. And then he found it.</p><p>_________</p><p>'Deceit came to visit us today. That bastard. I agreed that if we found the new boy was not Lust, he would leave Deceit's care for that of Morality and I. I should have known he would not keep to the bargain. He came all the way here just to inform me that he was very much aware; but that he had no interest in keeping the promise. I would so much like to rip his throat out sometimes, though I think I'd fail to do so if I had the opportunity. He's way too pretty.'</p><p>Virgil flipped forward a few pages.</p><p>_________</p><p>'I really don't believe Deceit was far off in his assumption that the new boy was Lust; given that the last sides to appear were all sins and thus in his care. From the visits, and the minimal time I've been able to spend with him, I reckon that he is Love, not Lust.'</p><p>_________</p><p> </p><p>Yikes.</p><p>"Lust, buddy, I don't know about this... it kinda seems... out there. If Honesty was so pissed off about Janus trying to keep you a dark side and telling you that you were Lust, why didn't he tell you the truth in the decade and a half you were living with him?" Virgil gently put a hand on Lust's shoulder, trying to ease him.</p><p>"He almost never called me Lust, Virge. It was always Narcissus. When we first moved here, he told me off the bat that I needed to come up with another name because he didn't like Lust. I mean, he never had any problem calling Pride 'Pride' and not 'Prometheus.'"</p><p>Virgil sighed. "I'm not saying you're wrong, but this is kinda... crazy. We should probably talk to Janus and/or Patton before you get too pissed off." The sin (or possibly not sin, Virgil thought) nodded, though he seemed to be teetering between denial and panic-rage. "Let's go home, okay? Pride's waiting for us a little way over, he couldn't cross the bridge. We're really sorry about... apologising." He chuckled a little.</p><p>"It's fine. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at my boyfriend." Lust muttered, his mind clearly elsewhere as Virgil led him from the house. Lust clutched the book to his chest like there was nothing more important in the world.</p><p>They crossed the bridge back to Pride, who was sitting in the grass, repainting his nails a bubblegum pink colour. "Heyo!" He said, bouncing to his feet, and throwing a daisy crown on Virgil's head. He went to put one on Lust but froze. "You look... distraught." He said, choosing his words carefully.</p><p>Lust shrugged, clearly tuckered out by his own crying and poor mental health. "Stuff about dad, don't worry about it. Daisy crown me?" Pride grinned, though he didn't seem fully convinced, and threw the crown on him.</p><p>They walked back to Remus's castle- sure Virgil could've snapped them home, but the fresh air seemed to lighten all of their moods. And Lust really didn't seem that eager to go home, surprisingly, he walked so slowly that Pride would often have to stop and wait for the two of them.</p><p>Virgil tried to make small talk, but the conversations seemed to quickly die. "So Pride... you planning on getting a haircut soon? Your hair's pretty freaking long."</p><p>"Nope, I like it like this!" Pride said, and the conversation died instantly. </p><p>They walked for a while before Virgil tried again. "Uhm... do either of you like My Chemical Romance?"</p><p>"Who?" The two said in unison. Right, they were raised under a rock. "Oh uh... well they're back together... hope they do concerts soon!" He tried to sound positive.</p><p>"I don't like the idea of concerts very much, they seem very... loud." Pride said.</p><p>"I don't like the idea of a bunch of people that much," Lust said, leaving it at that.</p><p>Oh, fuck this. He was not being out introverted by these two edgelords. The rest of the walk was silent, except for when Pride pulled a cigarette out of his pocket.</p><p>"Pride that's gross for us, come on," Lust said, rolling his eyes.</p><p>"Oh come on, I'm trying to kick the habit. I'm down to barely one a day!"</p><p>"When did you start smoking, Pride?" Virgil asked as he watched Lust playfully try and smack it from the sin's hand as he tried to light it. </p><p>"I dunno, when I was like, 14? Dad had 'em around."</p><p>"He'd put them out on us," Lust muttered.</p><p>"Oh... jeez, I'm sorry," Virgil said, trying for what wouldn't be the last time to forget the fling he had with their stand-in father.</p><p>When they arrived back at Remus's castle, they spotted Gluttony and Greed sitting on the lawn having a picnic. The two seemed fairly animated, but their conversation died when they spotted the trio. Virgil tried to pull Pride and Lust away from them, to mind their own business, but of course, they went over to meet the other sins.</p><p>"Pride, Lust, how've you been?" Gluttony asked, not looking up. He seemed rather intent on picking at the grass, and he startled when Pride suddenly sat down across from him.</p><p>"Oh fantastic as always, how's dad's bitch been treating you?"</p><p>Virgil sighed, covering his face with his hands. Couldn't they just go home? How hard would that be? To just not bother people? It seemed Pride didn't have any fucks to give- and Lust remained as out of it as ever, standing close to where Pride sat but far enough away to potentially avoid being a part of the conversation.</p><p>"Decent, actually. How's your eye?" Gluttony said, trying his best to be polite.</p><p>"Still as missing as it was three weeks ago when it was ripped out of my face, thanks. How're you doing, Greedy?"</p><p>Greed shoved his glasses upon his face. "We're fine, Pride. You seem to be much more eccentric these days... and of course, Lust's as miserable-looking as ever."</p><p>"Thanks... it's the trauma," Lust said after a long awkward pause.</p><p>Greed nodded, clearly understanding but still moderately dismissive. "Alright, well, we've caught up, this has been great, but I think you'd best be on your way."</p><p>"Aww, but I missed you guys," Pride said, tipping his head to the side. "Come on, don'tcha wanna come over for dinner? Envy and I were thinking about making a big Chicken Pot Pie, wouldn't that be nice?"</p><p>Gluttony bit his lip, glancing at Greed. He clearly wanted to say yes- and who could deny that the concept of seeing Envy again was a huge pro in his book- but Greed's expression hardened. "I know what you're trying to do, it won't work. We're perfectly happy as light sides. Patton's much better than Honesty-"</p><p>"Oh, I'm sure he is but is the title of 'light side' worth being away from so much of your family? I knew you two were spineless pigs, but jeez." Pride stood up, brushing the invisible dirt off of his clothes in habit.</p><p>Greed stood up with him. "You've got some nerve, showing up and accusing us of leaving the family. You were gone for a fucking year and a half!"</p><p>"It was not a year-"</p><p>"It was a year for us! And it hurt, Pride! We thought you were dead for good! We're trying to get on with our lives, get past him, and you want to what? Go back to making family memories like nothing ever happened?!" Greed shouted, and the two were quickly in a full-blown shouting match. Virgil sighed, pulling out his phone. He was not getting involved with this unless somebody was about to be murdered, no way.</p><p>Gluttony shuffled awkwardly over to Lust. "So... family reunions are fun, huh?" he chuckled. Lust just shrugged. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. "Lust, I never got a good chance to talk to you since Uhm... jeez, it's been a long time. How've you been holding up?"</p><p>Lust shugged again. "Oh you know, how it is. Hallucinations, an Identity crisis, and concerns about my boyfriend screwing Depression. You?"</p><p>Gluttony turned pink, seeming embarrassed by his life's own events and unsure if he was allowed to question Lust's. "Oh... I've lost like 15 pounds. I've been exercising with the king."</p><p>Lust smiled slightly. "That's great, I'm glad for you." The sun was beginning to go down, it seemed, which was reasonable for early February, and it was beginning to get cold.</p><p>"L, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I should've believed you about how he was hurting you as a kid. It was really shitty of me to ignore you." The words hung in the air, Gluttony waiting for them to be recognised. The answer wasn't satisfying.</p><p>"It's fine. I don't care anymore." Lust found himself saying numbly. Gluttony seemed baffled by that, but Lust was already approaching Pride. He reached out, grabbing Pride's arm. "Can we just go back, man? Please?"</p><p>Greed scoffed, pushing his glasses farther up on his nose. "What, afraid it'll get violent?"</p><p>"Yes, actually. I don't enjoy watching my family fight. Let's just go, Pride, he isn't going to change his mind." He said, lighting tugging the other away.</p><p>Pride sighed and followed. Virgil stood up, glad the reunion was over and began to walk towards the doors of Remus's castle, but Gluttony called out to them. "Say hello to Envy for us!"</p><p>"Do it yourself," Pride muttered, and the group went inside.</p><p>Nero and Apathy were sitting at the dining room table with Envy when they arrived back at the dark side commons, intently listening to the boy explain how poppet dolls worked. Janus was sitting on the sofa, reading something on his phone. They all looked up when the others came in.</p><p>"Hey boys, you sure were out for a long time. We had lunch without you, but there are a few sandwiches in the kitchen if you'd like them," Janus said, not looking up. Nero got up and walked over to them, slinging an arm around Lust's shoulders.</p><p>Lust pushed him off, and the orange side looked hurt. "I need to talk to you, Deceit."</p><p>The edge of formality and tension that came with using his title instead of his name caused Janus to look up, shutting off his phone. "What's up?"</p><p>"Alone," He insisted. Janus stood quietly, not bothering to question it, and followed him from the room.</p><p>Lust leads him to his own room and shut the door. Of course, the hallucination of Honesty sat on the bed, grinning. "Is everything alright with you, Lust?"</p><p>"Why did you lie to me?" Lust said, straight and to the point.</p><p>Janus froze, seemingly afraid that he already knew what Lust would ask but refusing to believe it. "I'm sorry?"</p><p>"Why did you lie to me? Am I not actually... am I not really a sin?" He asked- his voice was deathly calm, not relaying any emotion. He finally locked eyes with Janus.</p><p>"This should be good," chuckled Honesty, leaning in.</p><p>Janus was quiet for a moment, he seemed to be searching for the right words. The side reached into his pocket and drew out Remus's sash, wrapping it around his hand. "We were worried. I lived with Honesty for a while when I first formed, I knew he was unstable. I was afraid he would hurt you boys, or hurt Thomas. I knew you weren't on the dark side from the moment you opened your mouth, but... I wanted to keep you away from him, and I thought letting you assume the role of one of the sins was the best option at the time."</p><p>"You did a damn fine job," Lust muttered. The words seemed to hurt Janus more than he'd intended to, the side visibly flinching.</p><p>"Lust, I did everything I could and I know it wasn't enough. Letting him hurt you and everybody else is one of the greatest mistakes of my life! I know it probably doesn't mean anything to you after how much pain you've been through, but..." Janus rubbed his eyes, trying to keep himself from crying. "I am so, so sorry."</p><p>Lust stood there for a long moment, clutching the notebook with whitened knuckles. "You know, he used to talk about you an awful lot. About how you were a dirty liar, about how you meant Thomas harm, about how you hated us... personally I never really believed it, but I've always been the follow the crowd type. But today..." he spat, "It kinda seems like he was right."</p><p>Janus appeared, well, surprised. He seemed to believe he deserved harsh treatment for his behaviour, but he also seemed to expect Lust to forgive him, tell him it was alright. Honesty whistled and laughed. "Oh, you tell him. This is fantastic, Narcissus, really," he giggled to himself.</p><p>The words of Honesty instantly made him uncomfortable, so Lust softened his tone a little "When exactly were you planning on telling me, huh? That I'm "love" and not Lust?!"</p><p>"I was hoping I wouldn't have to! You seemed to fit in well enough with the sins, and the creativities were able to assume both parts of your role fairly well-"</p><p>"I fit in? Fit in?! I have always been the fucking odd one out! If I had known-"</p><p>"Look I admit it was shitty of me to keep that from you, but would it have made any difference if you knew?"</p><p>"It would have made a big difference to me!" Lust shouted, and threw the notebook on the floor between them.</p><p>Janus shifted his weight, pinching the bridge of his nose. "There is no amount of apologies I can give, is there?! I'm sorry I couldn't keep him away from you! I tried to lie to protect you, and I'm sorry that it hurts. But I had good intentions!"</p><p>"And I'm so glad for that, Deceit!" Lust spat, turning and storming out of the room, slamming the door so hard behind him the room rattled.</p><p>Janus stood there, his ears ringing with the sudden silence.</p><p>He wasn't thinking really. He just clutched Remus's sash close to his chest, and sunk down, rising up again in Remus's castle.</p><p>Janus had never properly understood what made his friends consider or attempt suicide. Sadness, he used to think. And sure, that was a part of it. But also the chaos. What part of his life did he have control over? His husband was gone. He was a shitty parent and father figure- Apathy had been forced to be self-sufficient for a year in his absence, and now he seemed barely interested in keeping company with Janus. His friends seemed to have grown to hate or distrust him.</p><p>He could understand the feeling now.</p><p>He didn't know what he was doing, really. He needed a break. He needed to shut his mind off, to not be in his own thoughts. </p><p>It was selfish, wasn't it? No, it would only be selfish if people cared. </p><p>'Your son would care,' Janus's conscience chastised. But really, would it be that much? He had Nero, anyways.</p><p>What the fuck was he thinking. Janus laughed to himself uncomfortably. He couldn't actually be thinking this. He wasn't actually considering this. No, he was fine, everything was gonna be fine.</p><p>But Thomas's date-cation was the day after tomorrow, and that would go horribly.</p><p>"You're part of Thomas's self-preservation! Pull yourself together, Janus," he snapped at himself, gripping at his hair and pulling until it hurt a bit. When did he lose his hat? He didn't remember.</p><p>'if you kill yourself, you'll spend the rest of forever with Honesty in the subconscious, is that what you want?!'</p><p>Did it really matter? And anyway, he didn't want to kill himself... he just wanted to... to... not exist. Those were different things, right?</p><p>Janus wandered into the kitchens, his feet dragging him along as if driven by a motor. He didn't know what bottle he grabbed, his mind felt too numb to bother properly reading it. something from under the sink, it smelled odd enough he knew it wasn't safe to consume. </p><p>He tipped the container to his lips, swallowed some, and sat down on the floor of the kitchen. Dying wasn't his intention, he reminded himself. No, this wasn't suicide. Just a break. And if he didn't wake up, well...</p><p>he deserved it, didn't he?</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. You Are A Monster From Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>howdy, pals! Here is a new chapter.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-suicide attempt<br/>-kinda infidelity<br/>-Apathy's mental breakdown (part 3 I think, poor bean)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janus's throat and head ached, and he didn't want to move, despite becoming aware again. He wasn't sure how long he laid in the dead grass, a strong breeze making him shiver. Eventually, however, he heard soft footsteps coming near him. </p><p>"Why Janus, I wasn't expecting you so soon!" Giggled a very familiar voice. </p><p>Janus opened his eyes and realized he was lying on his back. The sky was a never-ending expanse of grey, and he sighed heavily. "So I'm dead then," he stated, matter of factly.</p><p>"You don't sound too upset about it," the side mused.</p><p>"Can't say I am. I did it, anyway."</p><p>Honesty laughed. "You killed yourself? Why Janus, I'm very impressed! Guess you were just dying to see me again, hmm?" He laughed harder.</p><p>Honesty finally stepped into view, extending a hand to Janus to help him up. Janus didn't take it, so Honesty flopped down next to him. "You're mopey. How annoying."</p><p>"I miss my husband."</p><p>Honesty rolled his eyes. "Right, he's the king again. I'm guessing Patty's refusing to split him?"</p><p>Janus nodded, rubbing his eyes. He was not going to fucking cry his heart out to Honesty. That'd be awkward for both of them. "I think it's worse than being dead. At least if he was dead I'd be seeing him again."</p><p>Honesty sighed, laying down on his back in the grass beside him. Their shoulders were touching, the older side seeming to test the waters, but Janus leaned into the touch. He was so warm... "I'll admit that creativity boy was pretty hot, but I don't know what you saw in him worth marrying. Or being this upset about, for that matter. But whatever gets you hard, I guess."</p><p>Janus felt something tugging deep in his gut. It hurt. He gasped in pain. Honesty rolled over onto his side so he could better face Janus, and he couldn't help but shiver at the loss of touch. "Huh, seem's like somebody is trying to resuscitate you. That's nice of them. They really seem to love you, you know. I wish my boys loved me like that."</p><p>"They don't love me. Lust despise me- he found out that he wasn't Lust today."</p><p>Honesty smiled. "Welcome to the club. I suppose I actually deserve it though."</p><p>The tug was getting stronger in Janus, but he startled at Honesty's words. "You actually think so?"</p><p>Honesty waved his hands in a shrugging motion. "I've had a lot of time to reflect. Or maybe a little, you know time is funny here. But... I have a bad habit of making the people I'm in love with hate me. Lust, Pride, Virgil, You-"</p><p>"Me?" Janus choked.</p><p>Honesty sat up, winking. "Sure I love you. But I think I hate you more than I love you." Janus groaned in pain, his ears ringing with the pain of the tug within him. </p><p>Honesty sighed, looking skyward, seeming like he wanted to change the subject. "What about that little boy of yours? Apathy."</p><p>"We were away for a year in their time, he... he doesn't seem to need me anymore. He was excited to see me at first, but..." Janus rubbed his eyes again, his breath hitching.</p><p>"Can I give you some advice? Father to father?"</p><p>Janus laughed. "Firstly, I'm dead, so it hardly matters. And second, you're the last person I'd want advice from, look at how the sins turned out."</p><p>Honesty rolled his eyes, ignoring Janus's comment. "Stop babying him if he doesn't want to be babied anymore. Didn't he like, study witchcraft for a year just to bring you back? Maturity doesn't mean a lack of love, it's just a desire for more space and independence."</p><p>Janus didn't have any words. His advice was... profound, to say the least. "What do you want, Honesty? Why are you here?"</p><p>"I'm lonely. I miss Patton, I suppose. And it's nice to have somebody to talk to again, even if it's you."</p><p>"Were you in love with Patton?" Janus asked carefully.</p><p>Honesty's face wrinkled in disgust. "Oh, hell no. On my side of things, everything was platonic. I can't speak for him, though." Honesty snapped his fingers, his eyes lighting up with a thought. "Oh, I have a gift for ya'll, by the way." He got up, yanked Janus to his feet, and pulled a large backpack from behind a tree and shoved it into Janus's arms.</p><p>"See if you can take this back with you. It's for my boys and Prince Creativity. It took a while, but I found them all."</p><p>Janus almost doubled over in pain, his head throbbing, but he went to open the bag. "What did you find?"</p><p>"Take a look when you get back. You're fading- looks like I was right, they are resuscitating you." Honesty smirked, sighing. There was something else behind his eyes though, that Janus couldn't quite place.</p><p>All of a sudden, Honesty grabbed Janus's shirt collar, yanking him into a kiss. Janus was too stunned to pull away- (and if he could ignore who it was... fuck it was nice to be kissed again) And even after a few long seconds he didn't try and fight Honesty. </p><p>He was a good kisser, it seemed. A little aggressive- and he kept trying to slip in tongue- but so, so nice. Honesty pulled away, breathless and smiling ear to ear. "I've always wanted to do that. Anyways, I'll see you around. Do try to kill yourself again, it's awfully lonely here."</p><p>Janus didn't know what he was thinking. It was so easy to pretend it was Remus's lips on his, that the gentle embrace was not his enemies', the reason for so much of his pain. And it made him sick to his stomach when he leaned back in, feeling Honesty's surprised and then smug smile against his lips and he desperately clung to the affection, however brief and fake it may have been.</p><p>And the world went dark. </p><p>Janus woke to a sharp shoving motion on his ribcage, and he rolled over, choking for air, whoever had been giving him CPR letting him go. Logan, Nero, and Pride were kneeling around him, and he heard soft crying off to the side.</p><p>Nero's eyes were orange, but he looked more scared than angry. "You motherfucker! What were you thinking?!"</p><p>"Nero, be kinder. Janus, what could you possibly hope to gain from such a reckless act?"</p><p>"Oh, because that's so much nicer."</p><p>Janus's head spun. He'd spoken to Honesty. Honesty kissed him- whether it was lucky or unlucky, the taste of whatever poison he took overwhelmed the taste of the other man's mouth on his. But he had... he had kissed him back. Sure enough, he suddenly was overwhelmed with the urge to throw up. Pride seemed to notice this and shoved a large bowl toward him.</p><p>There was loud, fast footfall and the sound of the door slamming, though Janus couldn't see who it was over the kitchen Island. "Your son found you, luckily enough," Nero grumbled.</p><p>oh no.</p><p>Janus tried to shove himself to his feet but almost instantly became violently dizzy, feeling the need to throw up again. Pride caught him and set him back down on the floor. "I need to see him..." Janus hoarsely cried.</p><p>Logan cleared his throat. "Apathy will be fine, you can speak to him later. For now, you need some rest and we can try and get the rest of the rat poison out of your bloodstream."</p><p>Janus desperately wanted to get up, to run after his son- but he found himself passing out instead.</p><p>_________________________________</p><p>Apathy ran most of the way to the dragon witch's lair, tripping and falling several times, bloodying up his knees and hands, but it didn't matter. He needed to get away from all of them. He couldn't face that.</p><p>And so when Apathy showed up, all not even four feet of him caked in blood and dirt, his hair filled with brambles and a mix of tears and snot rubbed on his face, it wasn't like the dragon witch could send him away. They stepped aside, trying to ask what was happening, but Apathy strode in, going to the bookshelf and beginning to pull things down.</p><p>"Child, what-"</p><p>"I'm busy," he huffed, clearing some space on one of the work tables and beginning to read.</p><p>The dragon witch sighed, walking over and placing their clawed hand onto the text of the book. "Apathy, what's happened? Why do you look so distraught?"</p><p>Apathy lightly shoved the dragon witch's hand off the book. "My dad tried to kill himself," he sniffled, the room growing cold rapidly. Ice grew on the walls of the gave in some spots, and Apathy's quick, stuttering breaths were easily visible.</p><p>"Apathy, I won't have you freezing everything. Back to normal, right now." The Dragon witch said simply, their tone tough but fair.</p><p>Apathy looked up, realized, and took a deep breath. The ice went away as quickly as it showed up. The dragon witch gave him a sympathetic smile and summoned a chair, sitting down beside the child. "That must have been really scary. I understand why you're upset."</p><p>"He was foaming at the mouth when I found him, I... I was looking for Cheezits because we didn't have any in the mindscape- I thought there would be some in the kitchen of my uncle's castle, and he was laying there..." Apathy brought his knees up to his chest, trying to rub away some of the tears. </p><p>The Dragon witch carefully placed their hand on his back, rubbing soft circles. "I didn't know what to do, I just hurried and got Logan, and they did... C... CR..." he stuttered, trying to remember what Virgil had called it when Logan had been pushing on Janus's chest.</p><p>"CPR," the DW offered, and Apathy nodded.</p><p>"He woke up. But... why would he do that? He was just gonna leave me again? I worked so hard to get him back the first time, and he... he was just gonna leave..." Apathy murmured, tears streaming down his cheeks. </p><p>The dragon witch sighed. They'd never been good with children- hell, they'd only interacted with the sins a few times a year when they'd been neighbours. Apathy was an easy child overall, he was eager to learn, quiet, obedient, and polite. Emotions had never been an issue before- or at least the dragon witch had practically never had to truly comfort him.</p><p>Sure Apathy had come to their cave sullen or upset plenty of times, but he never, ever talked about it. He'd been forced to grow up so damn fast. It just wasn't fair, was it?</p><p>"child... I know your father loves you. I know that was scary, and it felt very unfair... but he's hurting. I know the others will help him though, and while it will take some time, everything will be alright eventually."</p><p>Apathy tried to do his little trick of rapidly changing his emotions, attempted to switch off the distress in his mind like a light, but for the first time in his short life, he found he could not manage it. It was taking all his effort not to let his apathetic energy seep out again, anyway. "But why would he try and leave me behind again?" he cried, his voice barely a whisper. "My dad and uncle didn't even say bye, and now... he was just gonna leave me too."</p><p>Apathy continued to cry, and they sat in a few minutes of silence. After a while, he calmed down more, his breath still stuttering, and rubbed his face on his sleeves. The DW summoned a handkerchief, but it was quickly sopping with snot and tears. "I'm... I'm not stupid, you know. I know Nero's tried to do it to. And... morality want's to hurt my dad and everybody... I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna be all alone."</p><p>The Dragon Witch sat stunned. What were they supposed to say to comfort a terrified child? He didn't have any hope it would eventually be alright... he was so, so afraid of losing the people he loved. Again. And that this time, he wouldn't be able to get them back.</p><p>There was a knock at the heavy wooden door to the cave. "Go away, I'm not seeing visitors," The dragon witch called. A few times a week the humans that lived in the little town a short ways a way would show up, begging for potions and remedies, and when they felt charitable, they'd oblige. But it was later than usual for visitors, the winter sun already setting.</p><p>"Is Apathy in there?" Called the person again.</p><p>The DW looked between the child with his head in his hands and the door. Perhaps it would be Nero or someone who had come to fetch Apathy, somebody better suited to comfort him- though Nero was never this patient at the door.</p><p>They stood, straightening their robes, and walked to the door, letting it swing open loudly. </p><p>Patton stood there, his expression dull. "Well, is he here?"</p><p>"It's none of your business."</p><p>"So he is, then. Apathy?" He called, pulling his cardigan around himself.</p><p>Apathy slowly trudged to the door. "What do you want?"</p><p>"Well, your dad told me to come and get-"</p><p>Apathy's snake eye glowed from behind his bangs, an ever-present reminder of just why Patton's sweet little lies wouldn't work on him. "Cut it out, my dad wouldn't want you within a mile of me. What do you want?"</p><p>"A word," Patton said with a sigh. </p><p>Apathy was quiet for a while, before nodding. "Fine. But if you touch me, I will kill you."</p><p>The dragon witch laughed. They had no doubt in their mind that the boy could easily kill morality, and really no fear that harm would come to him. But distrust lingered. "Apathy, you don't have to-"</p><p>The child shook his head. "No, it'll be fine. Thank you, DW. Sorry for bothering you."</p><p>He stepped outside the door, and The DW watched as Patton lead Apathy down the dirt path back in the direction of... not Remus's, but Roman's castle. Night began to fall, and they closed the door.</p><p>Sooner or later, things would get better, they reassured themself. There would be less pain.</p><p>Not today, it seemed.</p><p>Not today.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Say That You Love Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>sorry for the break! I went back to school in person, and have been settling in.</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-vague consent given?<br/>- mentions of abuse<br/>-couple fighting<br/>-sad boy hours<br/>-horny boy hours</p>
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    <p>When things had begun settling down, Nero made his way back to his room. Apathy was still out, but he knew the boy needed some time to himself. He knocked on the door before entering. Lust was sitting on the bed, reading.</p><p>"Hey L," Nero said, slinging off his jacket. He kicked off his boots and went climbing into the bed next to Lust.</p><p>Lust huffed with a scowl, closing the book, and got up, going to the door. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you mad at me?"</p><p>"You don't know?" Lust said, spinning around.</p><p>Nero ran through a mental checklist. Lust's birthday was... about a month from now, so he hadn't forgotten it. "I... you have me at a loss here. I'm sorry?" He said, hoping it would be something satisfactory to his boyfriend.</p><p>"Virgil and Pride told me that you told them about my hallucinations."</p><p>The wrathful side's expression grew only more confused. "What? I never told them about that, Lust, that's your private business-"</p><p>"Don't lie to me! They said you told them about it, and that's why they were trying to make amends for shit they did forever ago!" Lust shouted.</p><p>"I'm not lying!" Nero insisted, his eyes flickering orange. "I understand why you wouldn't want other sides to know what you're experiencing, I wouldn't do that to you!"</p><p>"Well apparently, you did," Lust hissed, and left the room. Nero followed him into the hallway.</p><p>"What has gotten into you today?! First, you went and yelled at Janus, and now me! I don't understand what's going on with you, but the least you could do is stop being so pissy!"</p><p>"I'm being pissy?!" Lust said, spinning around. "It's like a hair-trigger with you about what you get upset about!"</p><p>"I am not upset all the time!"</p><p>"Your eyes say different!"</p><p>Nero recoiled slightly at this like he'd been slapped. He pinched his eyes closed, taking a few deep breaths. "That's not fair, Lust, you know I can't control it."</p><p>Lust scoffed. "Just like you can't control all the eye-fucking you've been doing with Oz, right?"</p><p>Nero shook his head, rubbing his temples. "What are you talking about!? Ozzy and I are just friends! I would never do that to you, Lust." He said, forcing steadiness into each word, but Lust could see he was struggling. "I'm sorry, okay? Whatever I did, I'm sorry if I upset you." </p><p>A wave of guilt washed over Lust. Nero knew his boyfriend was afraid of the times his's eyes went orange, and even though he couldn't control it, he was trying as hard as he could. Lust was used to being yelled at. By Honesty, by the other sins... he was used to it. But Nero seemed scared. Lust approached Nero slowly. "I'm sorry I accused you of that. If you promise you didn't tell them... I trust you."</p><p>Lust delicately cupped Nero's face in his hands, the other side visibly flinching. His eyes remained closed, but he quietly whispered "don't touch me, please," and Lust immediately dropped his hands.</p><p>Nero sat down against the wall and brought his knees to his chest. Lust did the same on the other side of the hallway. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's not a good excuse but... I've had a shitty day."</p><p>Nero sighed, remaining quiet for a moment. "Whenever... whenever Roman and I fought, he would always do that after. Touch me, hold me, grab me- like he was trying to make it up."</p><p>"Honesty did that too," Lust said.</p><p>They remained quiet for a little while. "Is this... healthy?"</p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p>Nero bit his lip. "Our trauma bonding. It isn't healthy, is it."</p><p>"Sure would be nice if we could stop revisiting old trauma, like, every day." The two laughed awkwardly. Lust smiled at his boyfriend. "I actually gained some new trauma today."</p><p>"Oh?" Nero asked as if they were exchanging casual gossip and not the new, spicy wounds on their mental health after their first real fight.</p><p>"I'm not actually Lust. Apparently, Janus lied to keep me a dark side so I wouldn't have to be around Honesty. Seemed to have worked well."</p><p>"Wait, what?!"</p><p>"Yeah. They think I'm actually Love."</p><p>Love.</p><p>"Do you still want me to call you Lust?"</p><p>His boyfriend shrugged. "It's the name I'm most comfortable with, so yes."</p><p>Pride came around the corner then, lugging behind him a big bag. "Hey guys, I have fun news," he said, but it didn't really sound like he thought it was fun. "So Janus saw dad when he was, you know, being yanked back to the land of the living. And dad," he dropped the bag unceremoniously, with a heavy thud. "Thought to send us home gifts."</p><p>"No." Lust and Nero said at the same time, watching as Pride knelt and unzipped it. </p><p>He stared into it for a long moment, a mix of emotions on his face. And then he pulled out a thick piece of fabric, decorated with pins and medals. "He... he found it." Pride reached into the bag, pulling out a pair of bright orange, dirty and bloody cowboy boots and threw them to Nero. From out of the boot tumbled an envelope, 'Wrath' written in swirly handwriting across the back.</p><p>He pulled a pocket knife from his pocket and slit it open neatly.</p><p> </p><p>Wrath,</p><p>these ugly things were yours, weren't they? I stumbled upon them yesterday. We're not so different, you and I, both of us men are driven by our emotions. I know you're fond of Narcissus; be good to him. If I return to find you haven't been, well, there are fates far worse than death.</p><p>(;</p><p>Honesty</p><p>Nero crumped up the note, tossing it aside with an angry huff. Pride and Lust were talking, but he wasn't paying attention as he slid on his old orange boots. They had come into existence with him; they'd always fit him even as he grew up, and never seemed to wear out-but they had been a sleek black before. He and Remus had gotten bored one summer afternoon and gone the spray-paint route, but they looked incredibly good, despite the blood he recognised as his own, way back when Janus had stabbed him.</p><p>A cold, tingly feeling rushed through his veins for an instant, but he felt no other difference. He reached over, picking up the crumpled paper, and snapped his fingers. A lighter appeared in his hands, and he set it on fire, laughing to himself. How dare Honesty compare the two of them. How dare he threaten to hurt Nero if he hurt Lust as if Honesty hadn't done more damage than Nero could imagine it possible for himself to do.</p><p>He finally snapped back to the moment and saw Lust pulling a letter from the bag, which he immediately stuffed in his pocket. After a moment of rifling, he pulled out a silver heart pendant. He turned to Nero with a nervous smile. "Would you?"</p><p>"Of course," Nero muttered and stood on his knees so he could reach behind and clasp the necklace around the neck of the slightly taller side. Lust shuddered slightly, but his mind seemed elsewhere.</p><p>Pride stood. "I'd better go see the others. Envy, at least, deserves his back."</p><p>He was nearly down the hall before Nero found himself stumbling to his feet, drawn by some force to call out to Pride. "Do you have Roman's sash in there?"</p><p>Pride set it down and pulled the piece of red fabric out. "Do you want to hold onto it for now?"</p><p>Why did he say yes? He felt obligated to, they'd been banished for many of the same reasons. But there was something else, deep down, that he didn't care to think about as he reached out, taking the piece of fabric and folding it up carefully so it wouldn't get wrinkled, putting it into his pocket.</p><p>When Pride was gone, Nero walked over to his boyfriend, offering Lust a hand. Nero couldn't help but huff with surprise when Lust pushed him against the wall behind him. "Can I kiss you?"</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>Lust grinned. "Kiss. You. Can I?"</p><p>"I... yeah-" And Lust's lips were on his.</p><p>They had kissed before. Plenty of times. But all of those kisses had been light, leisurely. This was dominant, passionate- and wherever Lust's hands touched him, he felt his skin grow a bit warmer. Sure he was fine with his partner's showing dominance, but this...</p><p>When he closed his eyes, it wasn't Lust there, but Roman, confident and intense. It made him kind of sick.</p><p>"Bedroom?" Lust murmured, kissing Nero's jawline.</p><p>Nero sputtered. "wait, you want to"</p><p>"I wanna make it up to you for being a shitty boyfriend."</p><p>Making it up. Roman once again flashed in his mind. His fists and then his kisses, his shoves and then his hugs, his harsh words and then sex. And now Lust wanted this from him... and he wasn't sure he was ready to give it. Not like this.</p><p>Lust tugged him back into the bedroom gently. Kissing him, pulling at his clothes...</p><p>He couldn't tell Lust no. After everything, it was Lust who should be the most uncomfortable with the concept of sex, not him. He didn't deserve to be. After all, the black-eye he'd received from Roman was nothing compared to the decades of abuse his boyfriend had suffered. It wouldn't be fair for him to turn Lust down now, no matter how much he didn't want it.</p><p>And so he let Lust pull off his shirt, push him back on the bed, and didn't raise any fuss.</p><p>____________________________________</p><p>"You didn't really like Janus, did you?"</p><p>It had been one of those cool summer nights, the castle just starting to cool off after a hot day. Fireflies were visible on the lawn, and Roman was staring out his little spyglass in the direction of his brother's castle, just as he did every evening. Nero came to stand beside him, linking his arm in Roman's, leaning his head on the other's shoulder. "Of course not," Roman said. </p><p>"Then why do you look?"</p><p>Roman snapped the spyglass shut with a sigh. "It's not fair my brother got his little happily ever after. I've done so damn much for Thomas, why does he get it first? I don't have anything to show for all my years of hard work, and they just LoVE him!"</p><p>"You have me," Nero had said, coming to lean against the guardrail of the balcony, staring at Roman, who looked far off in the distance still.</p><p>"That's not the same."</p><p>"We could make it the same," Nero had said. He wasn't sure why he said it, or what he meant by it. He had just wanted Roman to be happy.</p><p>"What? You want me to marry you? You think that'll fix things?" Roman laughed. It was awkward and unintentionally cruel, the way he said it. </p><p>"I wouldn't say no if you asked me," Nero said softly. He had meant it then. Before Apathy showed up; when he could blissfully ignore Roman's narcissism.  </p><p>Roman didn't really respond. There had been nothing he wanted more, at that moment, to hear Roman tell him that he loved him. To kiss him or cuddle him for once when they hadn't just fought and both knew Roman had taken it too far. </p><p>Roman turned, pulling away from Nero, a cocky smile on his face. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"</p><p>It was an awkward question, and at the time Nero hadn't known how to answer. He had wanted to marry Roman. He'd said so. And yet Roman had teased him about it a bit and the conversation had dropped entirely, instead, Roman went on to rant about some music he liked, expecting Nero to sit there and give him undivided attention.</p><p>The dream had faded from Nero's mind as he woke. It was early, he knew. Maybe 1 am. Lust was sprawled out on the bed, taking much of the space and blankets, but his arms were sloppily wrapped around Nero.</p><p>That was nice, he thought. Roman had never really touched him unless he wanted something.</p><p>Nero stood up slowly, dressing in a tank top and basketball shorts despite the fact it was only February and pulled on his boots. The dried blood glistened in the near darkness, an ever-present reminder of his past. He could clean them, sure, but not tonight. He didn't have the energy tonight. So he wandered the darkened hallways of the mind, looping aimlessly as he thought.</p><p>One particular memory kept replaying in his mind; of Janus stabbing him.</p><p>It hadn't been fair, he had been so sure of that at the time. Virgil had gone and met Thomas and they loved him. Remy had been in his vines for years. Janus had popped up, and then Remus... even though Thomas seemed to struggle with the two a bit, they were accepted.</p><p>Remy broke up with him around the time Virgil left, and they were suddenly down two. And then Janus and Remus started spending their days over there too, with the light sides, making those videos...</p><p>He had fought with Janus a hundred times about getting to meet Thomas. Deceit had always said no, and though Nero had been angry about it, he obeyed. He wasn't like the other sins; no. He would behave. He wasn't going to be banished.</p><p>He waited. And waited. And waited. The others barely came home at all, then. They went for breakfast and they stayed for movie night. Then there were sleepovers. So he was alone to deal with his hanahaki over Remy. Alone to stew in his pain, his depression.</p><p>Things were so much better now. He had a boyfriend who loved him. A kid who adored him. Friends... why did he feel so unhappy?</p><p>Why did his mind linger on Roman, comparing every new thing to how it had once been? Why did he feel butterflies when he was around Oz? It hurt.</p><p>He felt like a traitor to Lust, burning in the hellish prison of his own skin. Why couldn't he just be fucking happy? With everything, he had now that he had lacked before?</p><p>Nero finally found his way back to the main common room and noticed Pride leaning over the kitchen sink. He was humming some song of Thomas's, and doing something to his hair.</p><p>"Hey man," Nero greeted, shaking his bad feelings away for the sake of the conversation. "What are you doing this late?"</p><p>Pride spun around, grinning when he saw Nero. "Dying the ends of my hair pink! oooh, can you help me with the back?"</p><p>Nero sighed, smiling. "Sure."</p><p>Maybe in moments like these, he could ignore the bad feelings inside of him. Pride was a master of distraction, anyway, and by 2:30 the two sins were watching a movie. Pride sat on the floor, eating popcorn as Nero messily braided parts of it. He had some sludgy face mask on Pride insisted would 'exfoliate' or whatever, and things felt better.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Inconvenient "Truth"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>hahaha and you thought I was done making Apathy suffer</p><p>[chapter warnings]<br/>-discussion of suicide<br/>-preying on insecurities, you know, the usual</p>
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    <p>"What do you want, Morality?" Apathy said, his voice flattening. Patton didn't deserve to know what he was upset about if he didn't somehow already know. They walked down a dirt path, and Apathy realized he didn't know where they were going. And somehow, it didn't really bother him.</p><p>"Well, I saw you run out. Wanted to make sure everyone's favourite kiddo was okay!"</p><p>Apathy rolled his eyes. "That's a stupid lie. What's the actual reason you followed me here?"</p><p>"I overheard Logan and Remy talking about the possibility of Honesty returning from the dead; apparently it's made Emile a bit... obsessive. And you, App, well you're really the most 'knowledgeable about this whole bringing people back from the dead' thing, aren't you?"</p><p>Apathy blushed slightly. "I don't-"</p><p>Patton pushed his glasses further up on his nose. "It was all you studied for over a year, right? Your magic seems much more powerful than the dragon witches. You're our little necromancer!" He reached over and pinched Apathy's cheek, and the child swatted his hand away.</p><p>"Okay, I know a lot about it. And I think I kinda know where this conversation is going, so I'll just tell you." Apathy sighed. "Honesty could come back, sure. But Thomas knows how bad of a guy he was. Thomas would never willingly let him just pop back into existence as Oz did- and Oz was only able to because Thomas didn't know he existed- but anyway, he can't just show back up."</p><p>Patton sighed. "And you can't bring him back?"</p><p>"Resuscitation spells can only be done once in a lifetime. I already used my chance," Apathy said as if it was common knowledge, and he was incredibly annoyed that he had to explain this to an adult.</p><p>"That's a shame, really," Patton said, one of his mock- affection smiles on his face.</p><p>"What? Why?"</p><p>Patton looked at him. "Well, what are you gonna do if somebody you care about dies, hmm? They're dead forever." Apathy froze where he was standing. The image of his father lying on the kitchen floor hit him like a tidal wave. Patton grinned even more. "Ooof, hit a sore spot, didn't I? Sorry 'bout that. It must be so tough though, knowing that you can't save them. Now that the twins have decided to bite the bullet, and your daddy, well, he's not doing too hot, and let's face it, Nero's never been all there... you could end up all alone so damn easily. I bet that's pretty scary, huh?"</p><p>Apathy felt tears he thought were spent brewing on the edges of his eyes. "The twins aren't dead! And... and Nero-"</p><p>Patton giggled. "Sweetie, they've left you before, remember? Nero and Janus? They didn't know they were coming back from the subconscious. Your daddy put a bullet in his brain, and Nero let Logan slash him up... they were fine with the idea that they were leaving you behind- and don't even get my started on the twins."</p><p>"Shut up!"Apathy said, gripping the sides of his head. The ground around him frosted over in jagged bursts, the air growing cold.</p><p>"Roman and Remus... we all know your father didn't want you in the first place; I bet he's glad to be gone. And Remus, well, you're not even his kid! You're his bastard little stepson; why the hell would he care about you?!"</p><p>"Shut UP!" Apathy screamed though Patton seemed spurred on by the child's begging.</p><p> "Face it, kiddo. You're going to be all alone in this world unless you figure out a way to make them all stay alive."</p><p>The frost that Apathy had been holding back shot out, gripping Patton in an invisible wave of cold vertigo. He stumbled to the ground. "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MY JOB!? WHY WON'T MY FAMILY JUST STICK AROUND?!" He sobbed, ice spreading rapidly out around him. It incased everything as far as the eye could see, and he sat there, exhausted, terrified, and numb. "Do.. do they not love me? W-what did I do that made them hate me?"</p><p>Apathy rocked back and forth, hugging his knees from the place he had slumped to on the ground. "I didn't ask to... to exist." It came out as barely a whisper.</p><p>Patton knelt in front of him, cooing as he brushed the tears off of Apathy's cheeks. "Oh, of course not, baby, I know."</p><p>"I don't want them to leave again," Apathy said, not flinching away when Patton scooped him up in his arms.</p><p>Patton continued their walk, the ice seeping out from Apathy spreading out further and further as they continued. It was not comfortable for Patton, by any means, but he found himself strangely unaffected by the cold.</p><p>"You're such an intelligent boy, Apathy. I know you can figure out a way to reverse death again. That way, they won't be able to leave you alone."</p><p>Apathy sniffled. "You just want Honesty back."</p><p>"Of course I do, he's my... my friend," Patton said. "But come on, you must understand how it feels to grieve the people you care about."</p><p>"My dad... my dad tried to kill himself today." Apathy murmured, hiding his face in Patton's cardigan. Patton had to force down a laugh. No wonder his words had so much more effect on the boy. What wonderful luck.</p><p>And after not too long, they had arrived at Roman's castle.</p><p>It stood vacant as it had for so long, its prince gone and its staff out of existence. Patton set Apathy down, then, in the gardens. Everything was frozen over, but it was a good look for the light side of creativity, really.</p><p>"When I first became a side... there was nobody around. I guess they were all busy, they didn't hear or didn't see that I arrived. </p><p>"Yes, I think that was the day that Janus and Remus got married. They must have been distracted."</p><p>Apathy nodded, rubbing some of the tears in his eyes away. "I just... walked, and walked. It was dark, and really scary outside, but I found the castle. And Roman and Nero opened the door..." he trailed off.</p><p>"I just wanna say sorry to Roman. I hurt his feelings, and I never got to say sorry before he fused with Remus, and-"</p><p>Patton knelt to be at the same height as Apathy. "Look, kiddo. You can't just fix what's already happened. What you can do now is make them stay alive. Thomas needs some order here, and you are in the best condition to make that happen. I think that you should use the castle for your work since it's so empty."</p><p>"I'm not going to bring Honesty back."</p><p>"We'll see." Patton stood up again, sighing.</p><p>"Alright now. It's pretty late, you should run along with the home. Or work later, I don't care. Nice chat we've had, kiddo, we'll have to do it again sometime."</p><p>Right before Patton sank down, Apathy stopped him. "You know Honesty doesn't like you, right? Not the way you do."</p><p>Patton's expression darkened. "Uh, well, your parents don't like you."</p><p>"Wow, killer insult." Apathy said, not allowing Patton the satisfaction of knowing how much it tore at his insecurities.</p><p>And Patton was gone, sinking down-home, leaving Apathy alone.</p><p>The child walked up to the castle, his mind somewhere between thinking and an uncontrollable mush like there was 50 tabs open in his brain and they were all frozen.</p><p>He would do anything, he thought, to be held on Remus's lap again while they watched some horror movie he was too young to watch. He craved those special times he had with Nero, when the sin would teach him how to do some macho skill, like firing antique guns or committing small acts of arson. He missed Roman, and his off-key singing as he cooked some god-awful cumin pasta, dancing around the kitchen with him. And he missed Janus, with that soothing voice he used for bedtime stores as his gloved hands pet Apathy's hair.</p><p>They were all still... alive, to some extent. But he couldn't have those things the same way anymore. Patton was right, they didn't even want him. </p><p>All he could do was try and preserve what he had.</p>
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